Phew! I have my rough draft done for my grad essay finally!!! Yeah! Yeah! Now I've got to start preparing for the Uzbek team orientation. Which starts tomorrow and goes on until we leave. We are leaving Jan. 28th for Uzbekistan and then Rachel and I returning the 18th of February. (Kalibek and Anna are staying there until the 24th because they have friends and family there.) So now for the interesting part. The team and I are going to be working on the website, preparing logistical stuff and preparing lessons for the two week English camp we are going to be holding. Another challenge is that the Chinese New Year is coming up and everything is closing. But thankfully we have a plan of action. Please pray for us as we train and pray for me as I try to lead this small team. It's so amazing-God has provided all the money for our trip!!

Finally, I've had some uninterrupted time to work on my essay and applications. It's been enlightening and invigorating so far to have to articulate why I want to teach English for an academic audience. Come to think of it, I guess it's my first time writing an essay on this subject for an academic audience since ESL was not my undergraduate major. It's kind of fun because I have a lot of pent-up ideas in my head that are just tumbling out. At times I'm struck by a self-revelatory feeling of, "Wow, that is how I feel about that." or "Yeah! Well said. That's exactly what I think." I suppose that's what happens when you express yourself in writing succinctly about one of your passions for the first time. Or at least that's what happens when you are Joyce writing about one of your passions for the first time.

I said previously finally I have time to write because this week, which was supposed to be sanctified for grad stuff, has been one giant interruption. I spent hours this week going back and forth from the immigration office, changing grades, receiving countless calls from students that can barely speak English over the phone and replying to emails about the Uzbek trip. Actually, earlier today I was beginning to wonder if it just wasn't God's desire for me to work on my apps and I should just change my expectations. However, instead of coming to that conclusion I decided that life is just like that sometimes and I should still keep plugging on with my essay and applications. But to do this I had to put my foot down to the constant phone calls I was getting about grades today (this is the last day for the students to contest their grades) because I was pretty sure that anyone calling was just trying to squeeze another point out of me and I couldn't take anymore of it!! (My grades for my day students had been lower than they or I had expected, so for this reason I had checked their grades very carefully before turning them into the admin.) Maybe it was not nice of me but I just decided to not answer my phone anymore today (except for calls I need to receive-like from my boss or something) because I was getting so many calls about grades and most of the time I either had already taken care of it or had to stick to my guns about the grade. So thus ensued the case of the incredible, constantly growling cell-phone. I put my cell-phone on vibrate but soon it became the never-ending growling background music of my room. So I moved it under my pillow. BERRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!! GRRRRRRRRRR!!!! So then, I stuffed it between the cushions of my couch. GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!! BRRRRRRRRR!!! BLLLLLLLRRRRRRGRRRGGRRRR!!!! I could still hear it in my bedroom-the bottomless beckoning growl of my students to annoy me with requests I can not fulfill when I desperately need to do other things!! So finally I put the demon phone in the room furthest from my room and it's been quietly hummmmmming there ever since. The End. Good night children and remember the lesson we learned tonight in this bedtime story, "Don't annoy your English teacher when you grow up to be a big, grade-obsessed college student!" Good night! :-)

This webzine looks very interesting. I like their premise of being a place where everyone can contribute regardless to whether they are a well-know writer or not. So I'm linking this url here merely for the pragmatic reason of not wanting to lose this web address. But I hope you find it interesting too.

Some really exciting things are happening with the Uzbek team that I need to share soon. It's amazing how God has brought it all together. Kalibek is Uzbek so he knows the culture and speaks the language. Anna is Russian so she speaks Russian. They are both Computer Science majors so they can teach computer classes in Russian and perhaps more importantly they are going to make the website we are planning for the Uzbek people. We are going to try to have the site finished before we leave so Anna and Kalibek can teach the Uzbek students how to navigate the site. Web surfing is something that Uzbeks aren't familiar with. Then there is Rachel who is Korean so she can correspond with the Korean workers in Uzbekistan. Finally, there's yours truly. I'm the native speaker that knows how to design and organize English camps. Presto! There's a great team. Thank the Lord.

Don't read this unless you want to hear someone rant...
I don't know if I can actually muster up enough emotional energy to rant but it made feel better writing that warning anyway. I had such a bad day today. I can feel the stress-induced blood rushing through the veins in my neck when I think of certain episodes today and my back is aching. Just chill out Joyce... I feel like crying and I feel so frustrated. I don't know what's worse: that I have to pay another fine for a string of visa problems that no one quite understands and definitely no one is going to take responsibility for or that I lost my cool at the immigration office and raised my voice at the immigration workers with tears in my eyes with statements like, "This was not my fault and now you want to take more money from me! I paid 500.000 won to go to Japan (to get a new visa) and now this!" All this being said as I mindlessly counted the money and threw it on the counter. And then one of the immigration workers started raising his voice at me saying, "It's your fault! You should know Korean immigration laws!" There is some truth to that. But the problem that started all of this is the big mystery and that's why we started getting upset about it because somebody made a mistake (for a long time I was pretty sure the immigration office made the mistake but I failed to noitce it until it was too late) but it's not clear who. And the one thing I'm sure of is that I just did what I was told, they said "bring this paper" I brought it "ask for this" I asked for it. It's true I should have checked more, been more aware of the process but I was new to it all and trusted that my school would watch out for me. That's where I was wrong. I guess the word on the expatriate scene is "always watch your own back because your school might not" What has cost me is not what they told me but what they omitted. Now I'm learning the hard way what I should have known but was never told.

Anyway, I need to get this in perspective. I wish my friends were here (they are all gone on vacation) so I could go on and on about how upset, frustrated and helpless I feel. Pray for me about this that I'll let it go and act decently when I see the immigration workers again. (probably tomorrow)

I was just watching videos of old American TV shows that Ro inherited from an old roommate. It's weird to watch Friends or Mad about You from 1998 or 1999. The culture is different but just a bit. That was five years ago! Can you believe it? It seems just like yesterday. Tonight I had kind of a sad and profound thought. The saddest feeling is not the absence of a parent, loved one or boy/girlfriend but almost having that love in your life then losing it. Or seeing a shadow of that love but never being able to embrace it. Almost having it hurts more then never having it. Now that's a sad echoing feeling...

Which reminds me of a poem I wrote a couple years ago. This poem is about romantic love but I think this feeling can relate to other kinds of love also...

There's a gnawing pain eating away at my heart
throbbing, aching
nothing can make it go away

It's you

It's your absense

It's the lack of you!

I can't help but see the bigger picture of this feeling. That there is an aching that no human can satisfy.

I'm two days away from finishing my winter essay class. My other goals for this winter break are to fill out applications for the grad schools I'm interested in and prepare to go to Uzbekistan. Tonight as I started researching grad schools again, comparing prices and programs I got the feeling for the first time in quite a while that maybe I'm not ready yet to commit to grad school. "Why?" you ask. Because I've been wondering silently within myself for sometime if English teaching is enough for me. Maybe I'm not sure enough about what I want to study to spend 30 thousand dollars or more. I would like to combine a MA in Teaching with an International Studies or International Policy masters degree but I haven't been able to find a program like that. People have also told me from time to time that when it comes to English teaching having experience and an MA in something are all you need (not necessarily a MA in Teaching). However, if I want to get a masters in International Policy a lot of the programs require you to be quite advanced in a language even before you apply which is ok but would take a lot of time on my part. (And plus I think I stink at learning languages but that could be tolerated.) The question is: is that what the Lord wants-I'll take that time if that's what he wants. Which leads me to if I'm not totally sure about which degree I should get then maybe I should just wait. *sigh* Lord, what do you want?

Anyway, meanwhile I'm going to research, apply and pray...

Often I have the feeling "Why aren't I more like this person?" or "I should be more like this person." Floating around deep in the layers of my subconscious there's this feeling that there are strikes against me or some how I'm not enough. I was praying today and that same old emotion that somehow I've failed started floating in an indefinable form around in my brain again. And I asked myself what have I failed in? What am I doing that I should be ashamed of? What do I have to regret? I realized that even though I've made mistakes there is nothing that I'm hiding from. That I've tried to face the world bravely, tried to face myself, tried to follow my dreams, tried to love people and as much as I'm aware of I face it all. Despite the scars and deformities I carry I charge on facing myself, seeking to love God and people. And as I pondered this, I felt something in my mind saying, "But you haven't done this..." or "You haven't done this well enough." But then I answered, "What? Haven't done what..." Finish your sentence. I could have started listing things that I've done wrong or somehow I failed in but then I realized that as far as the measuring stick of my dreams go I have succeeded. But here's the amazing thing: sometimes I've done the right thing, sometimes I haven't but because I clung onto God he covered it all. He has given me everything even though I wasn't always faithful. It just made me realize once again that the bottom-line is not my performance but my reliance. Even though I didn't get the best grades in high school, here I am a professor at a university. Even though I grew up with a reckless ethic of money management, here I am not in debt.

I was thinking again about money and how everything is against me saving it. (I'm trying to save for grad school.) For example, I got this huge fine for my car because of a Korean law I never knew about. And then there was the emergency trip to Japan because of visa mistakes that were not my fault. Things like that make me think everything is against me saving money! Then God says "What are you stressing about? Are you saving money?" And I have to reply "Yes, despite all those things I still am." I worry about it but he always knew those things would happen. Even though I worry about all these things: "who I am, what I've done, what I am doing" in the end I realize those things per se aren't going to make me or break me. It's my dependence on God that will make or break me. He lifts people up and puts them in places despite who they or what they've done.

Oh...this gets the award!! All you English teachers are going to love this! http://www.engrish.com/

Happy New Year everyone!

Notes on my first day of 2004:
Today was my first day of my "3 day get-away" high a top an apartment building of skyscraper proportions (at least compared to what I'm used to). I'm staying in Ro's apartment on the 18th floor while she's gone. I'm loving it!! It's my safe lighthouse a top a craggy hill keeping me safe even though the oceans of stress rise and thrash against it. Where do I go to get away? Hawaii? Costa Rica? Now way! Why would I go there when I could be in Heng-hay with its streets that drive like old school Pac-man video games, fish markets and drunk old people walking in the street with no fear. No, give me a dsl connection, total isolation and Ro's apartment high aloft a Sam-do apartment building and I'm close to heaven. It's my warm womb, my sacred tomb.... hehe... ah-hem...

Anyway, I'm having a good time. But on the more serious side, so far this has been a much-needed time of random internet surfing, thought and prayer. The verse that I'm kind of using as my theme verse for this time is...
"...because so many people were coming and going that Joyce didn't even have a chance to relax, Jesus said to Joyce, "Come away with me by yourself to a quiet place and get some rest." Mark 6:31 (italicized words were embellished by yours truly)
That’s great isn't it though?

An appropriate, peaceful song by Watermark that I've been listening to today...
still
the more I get alone the more I see I need to get alone more
cuz just when I think that I'm alone your spirit calls out to me
even silence has a song
cuz that 's when you come and sing over me
still
let me be still
let me be ok with the quiet in my heart
still
I want to be still
I'm so quick to move instead of listening to you
shut my mouth
crush my pride
give me the gift of a broken life
still
hush this world that flutters around me
...even stillness makes me move cuz that's when my heart learns to dance with you

Well, I wanted to share some cool sites and interesting articles I found today. I ran across an article in Christianity Today about what they think are the top 12 events in 2003 that will influence evangelical culture in the coming year. Interesting, very interesting.

I also found the website of Sojourners magazine which I was really excited about. Someone in a church in Oregon told me about this Christian magazine that was really into social action and gave a bit of a different political angle than typical Christian magazines. However, I could never find it and here all these years later I stumble over it. The website's title is Sojourner: Faith, Politics, Culture Sounds cool...eh?

Ravi Zacharis rocks! I knew he was cool but I didn't know he was this cool. I listened to a couple of his sermons today. He's so insightful, relevant and articulate. You can listen to tons of his sermons online and even download them as a Mp3 file for free. I recommend "Understanding the Spirit of the Age" addressing the topic of logic and the secular mind.

Ok, I have a special announcement. My Israel/Palestine and Egypt pictures are now in my photo albums!!! (Well, maybe 1/4 of the pics are up but I do have a Holy Land album up) This is really amazing and exciting for me. I've had the negatives of this trip forever but it never occurred to me before to scan the negatives onto disk until now. So my Israel pics have gone digital! Not all of them are up but they will probably all be up in the next two weeks.

ahhhhhhh! blogger! ....I just corrected a mistake in my last entry for the second time or third time! Blogger is out to embarrass me! It better publish my real entry now! Anyway, it's New Year's Eve here in Korea and I'm going on my 3 day get away soon!!!!!!!!!!!!! Yeah!!! It's just going to be me, my books and the internet!!!!!!!!!!!! Yeah! Yeah! I'm so happy! Finally some solitude!

Yeah!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I remember a dream I had
There was a tall house with many rooms
Inside wood paneling was everywhere
And there was an emergency in the house
The memory is fading…I think it was a fire
I remember a frail woman in a bed covered in a quilt
She was always forgotten
I was crying because we always forgot her
Suddenly I was carrying her in my arms out of the house
Long, frail, and holding on to me in weak dependence
I faintly remember crying and crying

Joanne, Ro and I were talking about dreams tonight at dinner. I was talking about how for me there have been times when a dream has convicted me. There are certain dreams when I remember them I'm instantly struck with something. Usually when meaning is conveying someone has to open their mouth and form words then the hearer combines the tone, the body language, the context and the meaning of the words to make meaning in their own mind. But sometimes there is a different kind of knowing or understanding. The kind of knowing that skips words but injects pure meaning into your mind without needing the vehicle of words. This is the kind of knowing that sometimes hits me when I recollect certain dreams. I just suddenly have a wordless knowing that’s hard for me to even put in words. That’s what it was like with this dream I knew instantly it was somehow about my grandmother and that I felt sadness but even now I can’t say specifically about what. There are obvious reasons for sadness in the dream but I can’t help but feel the sadness is bigger than that.

I don’t know why I felt like I wanted to talk about that. I had that dream many months ago and at the time it troubled me. I remember telling friends about it with tears in my eyes but it got brushed away accidentally in conversation. Perhaps, it’s because when I was chatting online with a friend today she asked me if I’ve prepared myself for the inevitable concerning my grandma. I guess I’ve been asking myself that question my whole life. For all of my high school years and most of my college years my grandma was my anchor. She was basically my only parental figure during my teen years.

Well, I had wanted to talk about my 27th birthday. Wow! “27” It seems so amazing to even type that. Am I really 27? Have I messed up on my calculations? I have to go to sleep, so I’ve got to stop here. I have one on one conferences with my students all day tomorrow so I need my beauty sleep. So musings about turning 27 will have to wait. Something that I wrote in the middle of my 26 year that I’ll probably talk more about later, “I tried to be great, but learned I was a child.”

These last weeks have been really stressful, a combination of teaching an intense essay class and having two close friends preparing to go overseas among other things. I stole away at dusk Sunday and took a run to the lake on campus. It was a quiet, calming friend. I wrote this there.

Simple Peace
the bank is bathed in faded gold
the sun dims
green water ripples
the tree branch cradles me
I want to laugh
I want to cry
birds greet me
brisk wind covers me, calls to me
silence calms me

My office still has its unbroken morning quietness. The heater's slowly warming it up like a tiny oven and I'm still wrapped in my jacket as the dull sun light streams in. Yes, it's back to the books for me. Yesterday I had conferences with my students about thier essays all day. Today it's back to teaching and studying my grammar books. The verse that touched me this morning, "know the mystery of God, namely, Christ, in whom are hidden all the treasures of wisdom and knowledge..." Col. 2:2-3

I'm recovering from my hard-hitting essay class. I don't know what hit me but whatever it was it knocked me out. Last night I went to bed (passed out) at 10 pm which is like a world's record for me the queen of night owls (well, maybe the mayor or governor of night owls) Needless to say that class has been exhausting me probably in combination with the end of the semester stress. I feel kind of lame saying that because I think there are a lot of people that work harder than I do but here I make a big deal about it and am talking about it to all my friends.

Lately, I've been feeling on the edge of tears in what seems to me random situations. Yesterday in the middle of my second day of class I had been teaching for about an hour and half then suddenly realized that I desperately needed water. The English department has just moved to a gorgeous newly constructed building but unfortunately currently there's no drinkable water in the building. It hit me that here it was 2 in the afternoon and I hadn't drunk any water since 8:30 am. First of all, that is not healthy but if you're a teacher you know that's suicide for your voice. So my voice was started to get all messed up and hoarse. There was this moment in class that I kept mumbling to myself that I needed water like a weirdo and at that moment I felt so frustrated I just wanted to cry. (Thankfully, Sandy came to my rescue and brought me some apple juice later on.)

It just struck me as funny that I consider myself a pretty interesting person if not more than interesting because I'm kind of weird and random. While this might be true, I think my entries into my blogs tend to be about mundane things like how I brushed my teeth today. haha... The irony of it all. Why am I that kind of blogger? Oh,oh...

Anyway, on to deep and interesting things. Just kidding. Probably on to how I made my bed today. The truth is I've felt this kind of numb, sad evading feeling lately. Sometimes when I read other peoples blogs or certain poems or I watch certain movies I get this feeling that I don't have many complicated emotions and deep inner worlds in me. Sometimes I'll get a glimpse of an emotion in some song or poem and I'll get this sad, empty feeling like if I dug into myself I couldn't really come out with that much emotion but I just feel blank nothingness. It just makes me wonder lately if I know who I am. I think people who write often have a deep inner world. They know what they feel. Knowing them on the outside is like just like scratching the surface, you have to soak in their poetry, read their thoughts, perhaps view their art or whatever medium it may be to get a glimpse a view of their deep inner world. And sometimes I feel I don't really I have that but I want that richness. Sometimes I wonder if I'm afraid to look inside myself and let what's inside me really express myself. Perhaps for me to look into some of those emotions is to face a lot of self-doubt and perhaps self-loathing.

That's one of the fascinating things about art and blogging to me. Did I just put art and blogging in the same sentence? My ideas about art have been developing over time but as far as my own philosophy goes I think one of the key things in creating is being deeply honest. For the artist the kind of honesty that knocks them to their knees often in pain. It's possible, of course, to create not being transparent but I believe the art that penetrates us the most is usually the most strikingly honest and transparent. The songs, the movies that often pierce us are the songs or movies that the writers had to dig into themselves and pull things out that maybe they didn't want to look at. That's why writing poems is so good for me because I can�t write them unless I'm honest about where I am. It's one way that I try to dig into that world in me, take out some emotion and turn it over in my hand like some precious stone.

Yesterday I started my winter essay class. They were really cheery, so that was cool. Hopefully they will stay cheery even though they're going to have a ton of homework. As for me I feel way too busy. I think that will subside after my class gets into a groove. I just started with my new Taekwondo teacher (my teacher last semester left for the army today) so that's going to be interesting. Already he taught ro and I this cool hand thing. Gotta go prepare. So far I like this class but the prep makes me stressed!

Hello and happy December. It's kind of strange and surreal being in Asia during this commercial Christmas month. There are certain atmospheric tips that you get about what phase of the year you're in. I remember in high school it was baseball, as soon as the softball and baseball teams started practicing for their season out on the ball field that's when I got the signal school is almost over for the year. That always made me happy when I saw them because I then knew summer was just a couple months away. This December I know cognitively what time of year it is but the amount of signals just aren't there. When I tell my students what a crazy, stressful and chaotic month December is in America they just can't imagine why. Then I say, "Well, everybody's shopping and the malls are packed. People are stressed preparing for parties and worried about their budgets." But you just can't convey the feeling of Christmas to them, they need to walk into a mall and see the strained, tired people racing around for gifts to the background music of overplayed Christmas songs for themselves. Last night I went to the theater with "the girls" and laughed loudly about Love Actually. After watching that movie I thought, "Ah, there's the Christmas I remember..."

Ok, here I go again about the movie, "The Passion" by Mel Gibson. The movie is ready to be seen right now at theaters, however, they're having problems getting theaters to show the movie. There has been a lot of media talk that the movie is anti-Jewish, pushing Christianity and so on. So far it sounds unreasonable-many worldviews are expressed through the art form of film and Christianity has the same right to be heard.

Here's an excerpt from the website and if you want this movie to have a broad viewing go to the website and help out. Just by putting your name and zip code down that let's them know how many people want to see this movie. And this is not just for Americans, anyone in the world can take part.

"As some of you may know, you may never get a chance to see this movie! Many of our visitors have asked us if there is anything they can do to help. The answer is yes, and here are ways you can...." And hey-if you have a blog, why don't you link this page and suggest your friends put their name down as wanting to see the movie. Just my humble suggestion....^^

I wish I could just connect my brain to my computer and just purge out all my thoughts onto my blog. It's such a bother to cram all my thoughts into squiggly letters and make sentences. At least I wish I could just talk and my computer would type everything for me. There probably is a program out there that would do that. hmmmm.... There is something I spend a ridiculous about amount of money on.

As Morpheus said in The Matrix 1, "Time is always against us." And in my case as usual I should probably go to sleep but I just wanted to see if I could squeeze some of my thoughts out before I hit the sack. Right now I'm having this reoccurring feeling that I have once in a while. It has to do with having too many worlds in my brain. My visual image of this feeling takes the form of a kind of collage or mosaic of all these people inside of my head talking about their views on different topics. No, I'm not hearing voices. :-) That's just the picture that comes into my mind. There is something perplexing, mysterious, troubling and intriguing about how we all live on the same planet together but each culture (not to mention subcultures within cultures) is so wrapped up in itself and often truly believes it is the only one reality. I often experience this tangibly through simple exchanges with my students. And it really trips me out sometimes. It goes something like this, I'm working with whatever culture-it may be Spanish or Korean or whatever and we are having a conversation about nothing special. Then one of us will say something that suddenly makes me realize in that moment that even though we are standing right next to each other and have some pretense of knowing each other really we are worlds apart.

However, after a while even though I might not agree with the perspective of whichever culture I'm living in their view starts to seep into my brain. I begin to understand them to some extent. I begin to have a duel brain. I can see a situation form their point of view and also from my culture's point of view. But then I travel some more and then more. Soon many ways of seeing the world have seeped into my brain and it amazes me because I understand each of them and yet I know that each one thinks they are "the only way" of seeing the world. It's not quite as confusing as it may sound because I know what I think in the sense that I have a core worldview, Christianity, that acts as a grid and guide for what I experience. It's not that I don't know what I think; it's just that I feel like I sometimes have so many worlds in my mind. When you live in another country long enough or talk with a certain culture enough it's like their perspective leaks into your veins. But what is perplexing and sometimes almost laughable to me is that I sometimes feel all these views or empathies live in my brain but they all believe they are so totally the only truth. For example, I feel I can really understand the Korean mind sometimes. Perhaps I can even think like them even though often I choose not to. Then I go to America and I can think like them, too. I also know that they often think their way of thinking is the only way. I can understand both these ways of seeing the world. They both live in my brain but in so many ways they are so contradictory. So in that way, sometimes I feel there so many ways of seeing the world whirling in my brain that I think my brain is going to explode.

Um, that was way too hard to express! I'm going to bed. :-)

Wow, there has been a bombing at some synagogues in Turkey today. I'm watching it right now on the news. What a tragedy. Oh, what are we going to do about the Middle East. Speaking of this area of the world as I mentioned before I'm trying to get together a trip to Uzbekistan. There are two people that are seriously thinking about it not including me. However, they are both women so now our team needs at least one guy to seriously think about it. So please, please pray God would call the people he wants to come and that he would just bring together all the details.

I'm feeling kind of sad and uncertain about my winter break right now. As you might know I went to Uzbekistan last summer. I went with a missions team here on campus. The student group is going on more missions trips this winter including a trip to China among other possible countries. I have proposed a trip to Uzbekistan because I think there is great potential for powerful ministry in the universities and I'm interested in starting a program between our univeristy and some of the universities there in Uzbekistan. I am not sure though, maybe it's just not the time now. So should I go at all? I don't know. Also it doesn't seem like anyone else has this vision and it's hard to organize something like this unless you have a lot of people behind you. So please pray for me when you read this. Please pray God would open the right doors and close the wrong doors.