It's so weird. For the last four days or so neither Ro nor I have been able to view our blog or any other blog. I can post an entry but I can't view my blog even inside the blogger interface. Everytime I try to look at a blog I get the message, "This page can not be displayed." I thought something was wrong with their server so I was just waiting but then I began to realize something was weird. Then Ro talked to her mom yesterday in Japan and her mom can see our blogs-so what does that mean?? We can't view any blog on any computer in Pohang. Does that mean blogs can't be opened in Korea right now or is it just Pohang? I can reach any other website just as normal. So I tried to email them about it but the blogger request form said, "internal error" whatever that means. (Maybe the same prob is not allowing me to email them through their help form.) I'll try to email them again but just in case it doesn't work could you email them? If you're one of my friends in the States and are familiar with blogger could you email them about the problem. You can give them my blog address. So if you left me a comment...sorry, can't see it.

I was reading about the movie Fahrenheit 9-11 and it reminded me of how crazy America is sometimes. It was slowly coming back to me. Later I was reading a discussion about the movie by some Christian movie critics and one of them went on to talk about how he feels like he has to step away from politics sometimes to keep his sanity. This statement brought to mind a compilation of off-hand comments made to me by various people. In an email from my friend in reference to my returning to the U.S., "...welcome back to crazy, crazy America...", another person replies to my comment on one of Sandy's entries about the U.S. Middle Eastern policy, "But the world is getting crazier, Joyce, and it's getting crazier and crazier."

As everyone knows America is at quite an interesting place right now (and so is the world for that matter) and the culture war is getting more intense as the election draws nearer. But that's not the only thing that makes me sometimes feel that I'm coming back to a circus. It's also that sitting on this side of the world America looks more contrived, manufactured, artificial, hypocritical, swollen, self-indulgent, self-interested, self-loving, self-serving, pretentious and superficial than ever before. Just to name a couple adjectives that come to mind.

Yes, I'm beginning to brace myself for the splash of cold water in my face, that strange awakening from a quiet Korean dream...

I was trying to write the vision statement for the ministry page I'm making and I realized I still don't have it. Some people describe me as a person who knows where they're going and knows what they want. But most of time I feel like that's the farthest thing from the truth. Most of the time I'm just holding onto one truth, "He's a light unto my feet" so I'll take one more step and I can't see much further than that.

Testing...
Let's see if I can link this pic...



This picture was taken after one my classes attacked me with heart stickers on the last day of class. This is a class I had a couple semesters ago. I've since coined this class my "happy class" because they loved each other and me so enthusiastically. When I walked into our last class they covered me with heart shaped stickers with sweet messages. This is the class I hung out with the most outside of class because they were always organizing "class reunions".

I'm going to put up some pics of my classes this semester later...

I was adding some links to my blog and suddenly my font size got huge. I have no idea why. I didn't touch the font attributes! hmmmm...annoying. Maybe it will just go away. Do they seem big to you?

It seems like an eternity since I last posted. I'm sitting here in my dimly lit living room while the rain complains outside my window trying to process the fact that the final exodus from Handong Global University has begun. HGU our warm womb, our still pasture, our quiet remote sanctuary. We are being spit back out into the real, wild world. Yes, the time has begun. I'm speaking, of course, of Sandy leaving Handong permanently yesterday. The four Pohang girls are now beginning to officially disband. (Joanne just seemed to be temporarily absent since she visited a couple months after her departure)

I've also just finished grading and feel a little bit misplaced with out a ton of essays stressing me out. It's like I've finished with all the stress (or most of it...I've still got to screen phone calls from grade-obsessed Koreans once they receive their grades) and now I'm looking out at an ocean of uncertainty and ambiguity as far as my next step goes. However, even while I say this I'm excited for what God's going to do because I know that as I follow Him one step at a time He's going to lead me.

There's a lot more I would like to say about all these things but for now I will leave you with my current inspirational thought:
Don't say to God, "Where..., who..., when.., how...?" but "Show me, God, one moment, one day at a time and whatever You say I will do it."

Ok, now I'm finding something. Remember my child prostitution crisis a month ago. (May 3rd if you want to look it up in my archives) Well, now “the answers are coming, Neo.”

Check out these sites about organizations that are doing something about the problem:
Worldvision

Justice for Children International

My Last Class at Handong Global University...
I walked into my slightly muggy office after saying good-bye to all my dear, cute Freshmen, turned on the fluorescent lights and looked out the window at the rainy day that was coming to a close. Then it dawned on me that this was the last time that I was going to go through this routine. I sat down on the dirty little couch in my office and began to read some of the comments the students wrote on a poster they gave me.

"I don't speak English well. But I feel your kindness and faithful."

"Thanks for your passion to us and I hope you achieve your vision. And thanks for your kindness also."

"I miss you. You are my first foreign teacher. I remember your ability and love."

And the sweet messages go on. Reminding me once again what a beautiful, mysterious thing teaching is. Maybe it's kind of like being an older sibling in the sense that you only get glimpses of the impact you have had on your younger bro or sis in special moments. I think it's the same way in teaching. I've been reminded of this as students that I thought were indifferent towards me were on the edge of tears as they said good-bye.

As I gaze at that bright yellow poster covered with imperfect English expressing their love I can't help but think of grace. Despite my selfishness and frailty, I was still actually able to touch another human being's life. Grace. Grace lovingly protected me in Europe. Grace rescued me from myself. Grace brought me to Handong despite my own willfulness and apathy. Grace gave me the job of my dreams. Grace gave me a coveted position for which I was technically unqualified. It was grace that knew what I truly wanted and needed. It was grace that gave me more than I could think to ask for. It was grace that gave me the greatest fellowship of my life. Grace believed in me and made me great despite the truth that both Him and I know. That I'm just a small, weak child in the hands of a powerful Magician. That anything great in me is mostly an illusion and the power really comes from the great gracious Magician that holds me in His arms.

Until my last class I had been in "get the semester over with" mode. But when I walked into that class and realized it was my very last I knew I had to thank God for the love and grace he had shown me through these last two years at Handong. So I prayed the longest prayer I had ever prayed in a class and I thanked God for pouring out His blessings on someone who really hadn't deserved it. I stood in front of that class full of Freshmen and together with them thanked God for His beautiful...

grace to this child.

well, it looks like I've changed my template. It might be a while though before I put links and comments up because i tried but it didn't work. So that means it's going to take some brain power to figure it out and i doubt i'll expend brain power on anything but grading/essay stuff for the next two weeks. But Ro feel free to break in and try to figure it out if you get the inkling.

escape from myself...
i remember looking out my classroom window at what seemed to be a bright picturesque painting. serene, inviting... out that window there seemed to be nothing but rolling green hills, plush pine trees. it seemed to be so close, so all-encompassing. i've been haunted by the same urge that i felt that day when i was looking out that window.

i want to just step into that painting. put my toes on the sunny ledge of that window and just step into that peaceful, green scene. all my self-loathing and self-doubt would evaporate as I was absorbed into that ethereal, pastoral landscape. i long to just disappear into that clear blue sky...

i've been listening to so many lies lately. i'm being beat to the ground by the accuser. who's the accuser? me or satan? probably both. I have no idea.

please help me, God. i want to be free of the walls that close in on me, of the limits that bind me...

I'm high on a yummy overdose of Cinnamon cappuccino, so hyper with ideas it's hard to type and totally wired from an amazing time with my small group. On top of that my emotions have just been extreme lately. I've had the urge to vent anger, frustration in exaggerated, sarcastic ways lately. (mostly in poetry or blogs) Today I was listening to Alanis Morrisette's angry emotional song, "You Oughta Know" and longing for that kind of venue to let out frustration and pure unadulterated emotion. To just be able belt out at the top of your lungs your hurt, your shame, your anger to an awesome beat. Can you feel it? Doesn't it just make you want to go into a forest where no one can hear you and just shout your brains out?