I remember a dream I had
There was a tall house with many rooms
Inside wood paneling was everywhere
And there was an emergency in the house
The memory is fading…I think it was a fire
I remember a frail woman in a bed covered in a quilt
She was always forgotten
I was crying because we always forgot her
Suddenly I was carrying her in my arms out of the house
Long, frail, and holding on to me in weak dependence
I faintly remember crying and crying

Joanne, Ro and I were talking about dreams tonight at dinner. I was talking about how for me there have been times when a dream has convicted me. There are certain dreams when I remember them I'm instantly struck with something. Usually when meaning is conveying someone has to open their mouth and form words then the hearer combines the tone, the body language, the context and the meaning of the words to make meaning in their own mind. But sometimes there is a different kind of knowing or understanding. The kind of knowing that skips words but injects pure meaning into your mind without needing the vehicle of words. This is the kind of knowing that sometimes hits me when I recollect certain dreams. I just suddenly have a wordless knowing that’s hard for me to even put in words. That’s what it was like with this dream I knew instantly it was somehow about my grandmother and that I felt sadness but even now I can’t say specifically about what. There are obvious reasons for sadness in the dream but I can’t help but feel the sadness is bigger than that.

I don’t know why I felt like I wanted to talk about that. I had that dream many months ago and at the time it troubled me. I remember telling friends about it with tears in my eyes but it got brushed away accidentally in conversation. Perhaps, it’s because when I was chatting online with a friend today she asked me if I’ve prepared myself for the inevitable concerning my grandma. I guess I’ve been asking myself that question my whole life. For all of my high school years and most of my college years my grandma was my anchor. She was basically my only parental figure during my teen years.

Well, I had wanted to talk about my 27th birthday. Wow! “27” It seems so amazing to even type that. Am I really 27? Have I messed up on my calculations? I have to go to sleep, so I’ve got to stop here. I have one on one conferences with my students all day tomorrow so I need my beauty sleep. So musings about turning 27 will have to wait. Something that I wrote in the middle of my 26 year that I’ll probably talk more about later, “I tried to be great, but learned I was a child.”

These last weeks have been really stressful, a combination of teaching an intense essay class and having two close friends preparing to go overseas among other things. I stole away at dusk Sunday and took a run to the lake on campus. It was a quiet, calming friend. I wrote this there.

Simple Peace
the bank is bathed in faded gold
the sun dims
green water ripples
the tree branch cradles me
I want to laugh
I want to cry
birds greet me
brisk wind covers me, calls to me
silence calms me