Bummer. Maybe I've procrastinated too much on the work I have to do on my classes to write on my blog with peace of mind.

It struck me earlier today that it's probably strange to the American readers that I'm preparing to start my semester in March. It's funny how you get so caught up in your own life that you forget not everyone is on the same page. Korean universities start in March. Super weird-when I think of it from an American point of view.

I feel kind of overwhelmed about how to convey what God did in me, my team and the Uzbek students on our trip to Uzbekistan. Especially, since now I'm super busy with meetings and prep for my classes that start Tuesday. So I have decided that I'm going to unload just little snippets about the trip here and there for the next week or so. Here's my weird blogger confession: I find it hard to write freely unless I speak from what I'm experiencing at that moment. If I try to dig up back-loaded revelations or ideas it's more difficult to write and I end up staring at a blank screen.

Snippet number 1:
Today I was thinking about Jess. The most amazing thing about Jess is her persistence. The woman does not give up. Trust me-she'll drive you nuts about something until it's done :-) but in the end you end up respecting her a lot. Many people have great ideas but they don't always see them through to the very end. That's what Jess does. She's had a great impact on our department in a short time because frankly she's a maniac with a cause. So I was reflecting on this after we finished discussing the website for our department. (that her and I dreamed up, sweated over and now it's almost done...thanx mostly to her) It reminded me of before went to Uzbekistan.

My dreams about Uzbekistan seemed like an eluding fog, a crazy dream that no one had a passion for but me. I felt it in my heart that a team should go again in the winter but it didn't seem like anyone was interested and where would I get the money anyway? I was and am saving for grad school. It's interesting to look at those feelings from the other side of the trip. I reminds me of a big lesson I learned through that: Don't give up. I really learned about stepping out in faith through organizing that trip. So many times I just wanted to give up and say well, it probably wasn't God's will anyway. But God kept telling me "do what you can and I'll do the rest". So I called people. People were interested. But I thought they'd flake out, so I canceled a meeting and they showed up anyway. (that was God's little joke on me to show me what a lame-o-lacking-in-faith chick I am.) God said to me after that, "see, Joyce, just do what you can and believe". After that I just did everything I could and gave the rest to God. So I went to churches even though in my heart I thought we wouldn't get that much support emotionally and financially. I was wrong. I learned to do just everything I could then give it to God. And even more importantly I learned to never give up on what God had put in my heart.

We sent out support letters, but there was no response for weeks then in the last month the money started to come in through church visits. It was just one step at a time and God kept telling me just do what I can and then believe. It was amazing. We didn't have our plane tickets, our visas or enough money until 2 days before we were supposed to leave because of various complications that we had no control over. I remember that faithful Monday that we were busy packing and copying material by faith, even though we weren't sure we could even leave but then everything fell into place. We got the tickets (meaning they were available now we just had to have the money to buy them) and the visas. Then after that Anna came to me and said we were about 100,000 won short of being able to buy the tickets and I just knew by that point it was just going to be there (in our team bank account). I told her it'll be there but if it's not call me. When she checked the account the exact amount we needed to buy our plane tickets was in our team account!! I'm serious!! The exact amount-not too much, not too little but exactly what we needed. Wow.

"Don't be afraid, just believe..." Mark 5:36

Here I am back in Korea. I just got here an hour ago and now I'm using the lovely free internet access in the airport. I also have finally removed that ugly shout out message and replaced it with a functional commenting system. Well, there is a lot to be said and I'm glad to be back. However, right now I feel like a big gross homeless person cuz my clothes are kind of dirty and I haven't taken a shower. I need to go buy a ticket to Pohang. So I'll give you the full report on Uzbekistan later.

Well, here I am again. There's a computer center on the campus ran by a Korean NGO worker here. We've come to the school early the last couple days because of different projects lately. So I have a chance to write. However, I don't really feel comfortable writing a lot because the connection here is expensive (even though it's free for me). There is so much to say which I hope to share when I come back. One thing I have missed is writing on my blog. It's just a great release. A way to make sense of things. I read quickly most of my friends' blogs yesterday and I almost got tears in my eyes because of the beauty of being able to connect no matter where we are. I love you guys!

Hi everyone from Uzbekistan!! I can't write long but I just wanted to say hi. Thanks for all your prayers. God has continued to take care of us and open doors. I was sick the second night we had our English camp. I threw up 2 times during the night. I'm totally better now though. However, it does make me feel like I'm just starting the camp even though this is our fourth day. (I had to skip teaching the second day of camp) It has been great to see all my students from last summer. Please continue to pray for us here. Later!!!!!

I'm here in my office with the Uzbek team. It's freezing cold outside and we are partially warm working on lessons for our English camp that is coming up. I think I'm not going to be writing for a while. Cuz right now I'm really busy organizing the team. I might not write again until after the trip. We're leaving Jan. 28th so please pray for us!!! We'll be back Feb. 18th.

Phew! I have my rough draft done for my grad essay finally!!! Yeah! Yeah! Now I've got to start preparing for the Uzbek team orientation. Which starts tomorrow and goes on until we leave. We are leaving Jan. 28th for Uzbekistan and then Rachel and I returning the 18th of February. (Kalibek and Anna are staying there until the 24th because they have friends and family there.) So now for the interesting part. The team and I are going to be working on the website, preparing logistical stuff and preparing lessons for the two week English camp we are going to be holding. Another challenge is that the Chinese New Year is coming up and everything is closing. But thankfully we have a plan of action. Please pray for us as we train and pray for me as I try to lead this small team. It's so amazing-God has provided all the money for our trip!!

Finally, I've had some uninterrupted time to work on my essay and applications. It's been enlightening and invigorating so far to have to articulate why I want to teach English for an academic audience. Come to think of it, I guess it's my first time writing an essay on this subject for an academic audience since ESL was not my undergraduate major. It's kind of fun because I have a lot of pent-up ideas in my head that are just tumbling out. At times I'm struck by a self-revelatory feeling of, "Wow, that is how I feel about that." or "Yeah! Well said. That's exactly what I think." I suppose that's what happens when you express yourself in writing succinctly about one of your passions for the first time. Or at least that's what happens when you are Joyce writing about one of your passions for the first time.

I said previously finally I have time to write because this week, which was supposed to be sanctified for grad stuff, has been one giant interruption. I spent hours this week going back and forth from the immigration office, changing grades, receiving countless calls from students that can barely speak English over the phone and replying to emails about the Uzbek trip. Actually, earlier today I was beginning to wonder if it just wasn't God's desire for me to work on my apps and I should just change my expectations. However, instead of coming to that conclusion I decided that life is just like that sometimes and I should still keep plugging on with my essay and applications. But to do this I had to put my foot down to the constant phone calls I was getting about grades today (this is the last day for the students to contest their grades) because I was pretty sure that anyone calling was just trying to squeeze another point out of me and I couldn't take anymore of it!! (My grades for my day students had been lower than they or I had expected, so for this reason I had checked their grades very carefully before turning them into the admin.) Maybe it was not nice of me but I just decided to not answer my phone anymore today (except for calls I need to receive-like from my boss or something) because I was getting so many calls about grades and most of the time I either had already taken care of it or had to stick to my guns about the grade. So thus ensued the case of the incredible, constantly growling cell-phone. I put my cell-phone on vibrate but soon it became the never-ending growling background music of my room. So I moved it under my pillow. BERRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!! GRRRRRRRRRR!!!! So then, I stuffed it between the cushions of my couch. GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!! BRRRRRRRRR!!! BLLLLLLLRRRRRRGRRRGGRRRR!!!! I could still hear it in my bedroom-the bottomless beckoning growl of my students to annoy me with requests I can not fulfill when I desperately need to do other things!! So finally I put the demon phone in the room furthest from my room and it's been quietly hummmmmming there ever since. The End. Good night children and remember the lesson we learned tonight in this bedtime story, "Don't annoy your English teacher when you grow up to be a big, grade-obsessed college student!" Good night! :-)

This webzine looks very interesting. I like their premise of being a place where everyone can contribute regardless to whether they are a well-know writer or not. So I'm linking this url here merely for the pragmatic reason of not wanting to lose this web address. But I hope you find it interesting too.

Some really exciting things are happening with the Uzbek team that I need to share soon. It's amazing how God has brought it all together. Kalibek is Uzbek so he knows the culture and speaks the language. Anna is Russian so she speaks Russian. They are both Computer Science majors so they can teach computer classes in Russian and perhaps more importantly they are going to make the website we are planning for the Uzbek people. We are going to try to have the site finished before we leave so Anna and Kalibek can teach the Uzbek students how to navigate the site. Web surfing is something that Uzbeks aren't familiar with. Then there is Rachel who is Korean so she can correspond with the Korean workers in Uzbekistan. Finally, there's yours truly. I'm the native speaker that knows how to design and organize English camps. Presto! There's a great team. Thank the Lord.

Don't read this unless you want to hear someone rant...
I don't know if I can actually muster up enough emotional energy to rant but it made feel better writing that warning anyway. I had such a bad day today. I can feel the stress-induced blood rushing through the veins in my neck when I think of certain episodes today and my back is aching. Just chill out Joyce... I feel like crying and I feel so frustrated. I don't know what's worse: that I have to pay another fine for a string of visa problems that no one quite understands and definitely no one is going to take responsibility for or that I lost my cool at the immigration office and raised my voice at the immigration workers with tears in my eyes with statements like, "This was not my fault and now you want to take more money from me! I paid 500.000 won to go to Japan (to get a new visa) and now this!" All this being said as I mindlessly counted the money and threw it on the counter. And then one of the immigration workers started raising his voice at me saying, "It's your fault! You should know Korean immigration laws!" There is some truth to that. But the problem that started all of this is the big mystery and that's why we started getting upset about it because somebody made a mistake (for a long time I was pretty sure the immigration office made the mistake but I failed to noitce it until it was too late) but it's not clear who. And the one thing I'm sure of is that I just did what I was told, they said "bring this paper" I brought it "ask for this" I asked for it. It's true I should have checked more, been more aware of the process but I was new to it all and trusted that my school would watch out for me. That's where I was wrong. I guess the word on the expatriate scene is "always watch your own back because your school might not" What has cost me is not what they told me but what they omitted. Now I'm learning the hard way what I should have known but was never told.

Anyway, I need to get this in perspective. I wish my friends were here (they are all gone on vacation) so I could go on and on about how upset, frustrated and helpless I feel. Pray for me about this that I'll let it go and act decently when I see the immigration workers again. (probably tomorrow)

I was just watching videos of old American TV shows that Ro inherited from an old roommate. It's weird to watch Friends or Mad about You from 1998 or 1999. The culture is different but just a bit. That was five years ago! Can you believe it? It seems just like yesterday. Tonight I had kind of a sad and profound thought. The saddest feeling is not the absence of a parent, loved one or boy/girlfriend but almost having that love in your life then losing it. Or seeing a shadow of that love but never being able to embrace it. Almost having it hurts more then never having it. Now that's a sad echoing feeling...

Which reminds me of a poem I wrote a couple years ago. This poem is about romantic love but I think this feeling can relate to other kinds of love also...

There's a gnawing pain eating away at my heart
throbbing, aching
nothing can make it go away

It's you

It's your absense

It's the lack of you!

I can't help but see the bigger picture of this feeling. That there is an aching that no human can satisfy.

I'm two days away from finishing my winter essay class. My other goals for this winter break are to fill out applications for the grad schools I'm interested in and prepare to go to Uzbekistan. Tonight as I started researching grad schools again, comparing prices and programs I got the feeling for the first time in quite a while that maybe I'm not ready yet to commit to grad school. "Why?" you ask. Because I've been wondering silently within myself for sometime if English teaching is enough for me. Maybe I'm not sure enough about what I want to study to spend 30 thousand dollars or more. I would like to combine a MA in Teaching with an International Studies or International Policy masters degree but I haven't been able to find a program like that. People have also told me from time to time that when it comes to English teaching having experience and an MA in something are all you need (not necessarily a MA in Teaching). However, if I want to get a masters in International Policy a lot of the programs require you to be quite advanced in a language even before you apply which is ok but would take a lot of time on my part. (And plus I think I stink at learning languages but that could be tolerated.) The question is: is that what the Lord wants-I'll take that time if that's what he wants. Which leads me to if I'm not totally sure about which degree I should get then maybe I should just wait. *sigh* Lord, what do you want?

Anyway, meanwhile I'm going to research, apply and pray...

Often I have the feeling "Why aren't I more like this person?" or "I should be more like this person." Floating around deep in the layers of my subconscious there's this feeling that there are strikes against me or some how I'm not enough. I was praying today and that same old emotion that somehow I've failed started floating in an indefinable form around in my brain again. And I asked myself what have I failed in? What am I doing that I should be ashamed of? What do I have to regret? I realized that even though I've made mistakes there is nothing that I'm hiding from. That I've tried to face the world bravely, tried to face myself, tried to follow my dreams, tried to love people and as much as I'm aware of I face it all. Despite the scars and deformities I carry I charge on facing myself, seeking to love God and people. And as I pondered this, I felt something in my mind saying, "But you haven't done this..." or "You haven't done this well enough." But then I answered, "What? Haven't done what..." Finish your sentence. I could have started listing things that I've done wrong or somehow I failed in but then I realized that as far as the measuring stick of my dreams go I have succeeded. But here's the amazing thing: sometimes I've done the right thing, sometimes I haven't but because I clung onto God he covered it all. He has given me everything even though I wasn't always faithful. It just made me realize once again that the bottom-line is not my performance but my reliance. Even though I didn't get the best grades in high school, here I am a professor at a university. Even though I grew up with a reckless ethic of money management, here I am not in debt.

I was thinking again about money and how everything is against me saving it. (I'm trying to save for grad school.) For example, I got this huge fine for my car because of a Korean law I never knew about. And then there was the emergency trip to Japan because of visa mistakes that were not my fault. Things like that make me think everything is against me saving money! Then God says "What are you stressing about? Are you saving money?" And I have to reply "Yes, despite all those things I still am." I worry about it but he always knew those things would happen. Even though I worry about all these things: "who I am, what I've done, what I am doing" in the end I realize those things per se aren't going to make me or break me. It's my dependence on God that will make or break me. He lifts people up and puts them in places despite who they or what they've done.

Oh...this gets the award!! All you English teachers are going to love this! http://www.engrish.com/

Happy New Year everyone!

Notes on my first day of 2004:
Today was my first day of my "3 day get-away" high a top an apartment building of skyscraper proportions (at least compared to what I'm used to). I'm staying in Ro's apartment on the 18th floor while she's gone. I'm loving it!! It's my safe lighthouse a top a craggy hill keeping me safe even though the oceans of stress rise and thrash against it. Where do I go to get away? Hawaii? Costa Rica? Now way! Why would I go there when I could be in Heng-hay with its streets that drive like old school Pac-man video games, fish markets and drunk old people walking in the street with no fear. No, give me a dsl connection, total isolation and Ro's apartment high aloft a Sam-do apartment building and I'm close to heaven. It's my warm womb, my sacred tomb.... hehe... ah-hem...

Anyway, I'm having a good time. But on the more serious side, so far this has been a much-needed time of random internet surfing, thought and prayer. The verse that I'm kind of using as my theme verse for this time is...
"...because so many people were coming and going that Joyce didn't even have a chance to relax, Jesus said to Joyce, "Come away with me by yourself to a quiet place and get some rest." Mark 6:31 (italicized words were embellished by yours truly)
That’s great isn't it though?

An appropriate, peaceful song by Watermark that I've been listening to today...
still
the more I get alone the more I see I need to get alone more
cuz just when I think that I'm alone your spirit calls out to me
even silence has a song
cuz that 's when you come and sing over me
still
let me be still
let me be ok with the quiet in my heart
still
I want to be still
I'm so quick to move instead of listening to you
shut my mouth
crush my pride
give me the gift of a broken life
still
hush this world that flutters around me
...even stillness makes me move cuz that's when my heart learns to dance with you

Well, I wanted to share some cool sites and interesting articles I found today. I ran across an article in Christianity Today about what they think are the top 12 events in 2003 that will influence evangelical culture in the coming year. Interesting, very interesting.

I also found the website of Sojourners magazine which I was really excited about. Someone in a church in Oregon told me about this Christian magazine that was really into social action and gave a bit of a different political angle than typical Christian magazines. However, I could never find it and here all these years later I stumble over it. The website's title is Sojourner: Faith, Politics, Culture Sounds cool...eh?

Ravi Zacharis rocks! I knew he was cool but I didn't know he was this cool. I listened to a couple of his sermons today. He's so insightful, relevant and articulate. You can listen to tons of his sermons online and even download them as a Mp3 file for free. I recommend "Understanding the Spirit of the Age" addressing the topic of logic and the secular mind.

Ok, I have a special announcement. My Israel/Palestine and Egypt pictures are now in my photo albums!!! (Well, maybe 1/4 of the pics are up but I do have a Holy Land album up) This is really amazing and exciting for me. I've had the negatives of this trip forever but it never occurred to me before to scan the negatives onto disk until now. So my Israel pics have gone digital! Not all of them are up but they will probably all be up in the next two weeks.

ahhhhhhh! blogger! ....I just corrected a mistake in my last entry for the second time or third time! Blogger is out to embarrass me! It better publish my real entry now! Anyway, it's New Year's Eve here in Korea and I'm going on my 3 day get away soon!!!!!!!!!!!!! Yeah!!! It's just going to be me, my books and the internet!!!!!!!!!!!! Yeah! Yeah! I'm so happy! Finally some solitude!

Yeah!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I remember a dream I had
There was a tall house with many rooms
Inside wood paneling was everywhere
And there was an emergency in the house
The memory is fading…I think it was a fire
I remember a frail woman in a bed covered in a quilt
She was always forgotten
I was crying because we always forgot her
Suddenly I was carrying her in my arms out of the house
Long, frail, and holding on to me in weak dependence
I faintly remember crying and crying

Joanne, Ro and I were talking about dreams tonight at dinner. I was talking about how for me there have been times when a dream has convicted me. There are certain dreams when I remember them I'm instantly struck with something. Usually when meaning is conveying someone has to open their mouth and form words then the hearer combines the tone, the body language, the context and the meaning of the words to make meaning in their own mind. But sometimes there is a different kind of knowing or understanding. The kind of knowing that skips words but injects pure meaning into your mind without needing the vehicle of words. This is the kind of knowing that sometimes hits me when I recollect certain dreams. I just suddenly have a wordless knowing that’s hard for me to even put in words. That’s what it was like with this dream I knew instantly it was somehow about my grandmother and that I felt sadness but even now I can’t say specifically about what. There are obvious reasons for sadness in the dream but I can’t help but feel the sadness is bigger than that.

I don’t know why I felt like I wanted to talk about that. I had that dream many months ago and at the time it troubled me. I remember telling friends about it with tears in my eyes but it got brushed away accidentally in conversation. Perhaps, it’s because when I was chatting online with a friend today she asked me if I’ve prepared myself for the inevitable concerning my grandma. I guess I’ve been asking myself that question my whole life. For all of my high school years and most of my college years my grandma was my anchor. She was basically my only parental figure during my teen years.

Well, I had wanted to talk about my 27th birthday. Wow! “27” It seems so amazing to even type that. Am I really 27? Have I messed up on my calculations? I have to go to sleep, so I’ve got to stop here. I have one on one conferences with my students all day tomorrow so I need my beauty sleep. So musings about turning 27 will have to wait. Something that I wrote in the middle of my 26 year that I’ll probably talk more about later, “I tried to be great, but learned I was a child.”

These last weeks have been really stressful, a combination of teaching an intense essay class and having two close friends preparing to go overseas among other things. I stole away at dusk Sunday and took a run to the lake on campus. It was a quiet, calming friend. I wrote this there.

Simple Peace
the bank is bathed in faded gold
the sun dims
green water ripples
the tree branch cradles me
I want to laugh
I want to cry
birds greet me
brisk wind covers me, calls to me
silence calms me

My office still has its unbroken morning quietness. The heater's slowly warming it up like a tiny oven and I'm still wrapped in my jacket as the dull sun light streams in. Yes, it's back to the books for me. Yesterday I had conferences with my students about thier essays all day. Today it's back to teaching and studying my grammar books. The verse that touched me this morning, "know the mystery of God, namely, Christ, in whom are hidden all the treasures of wisdom and knowledge..." Col. 2:2-3

I'm recovering from my hard-hitting essay class. I don't know what hit me but whatever it was it knocked me out. Last night I went to bed (passed out) at 10 pm which is like a world's record for me the queen of night owls (well, maybe the mayor or governor of night owls) Needless to say that class has been exhausting me probably in combination with the end of the semester stress. I feel kind of lame saying that because I think there are a lot of people that work harder than I do but here I make a big deal about it and am talking about it to all my friends.

Lately, I've been feeling on the edge of tears in what seems to me random situations. Yesterday in the middle of my second day of class I had been teaching for about an hour and half then suddenly realized that I desperately needed water. The English department has just moved to a gorgeous newly constructed building but unfortunately currently there's no drinkable water in the building. It hit me that here it was 2 in the afternoon and I hadn't drunk any water since 8:30 am. First of all, that is not healthy but if you're a teacher you know that's suicide for your voice. So my voice was started to get all messed up and hoarse. There was this moment in class that I kept mumbling to myself that I needed water like a weirdo and at that moment I felt so frustrated I just wanted to cry. (Thankfully, Sandy came to my rescue and brought me some apple juice later on.)

It just struck me as funny that I consider myself a pretty interesting person if not more than interesting because I'm kind of weird and random. While this might be true, I think my entries into my blogs tend to be about mundane things like how I brushed my teeth today. haha... The irony of it all. Why am I that kind of blogger? Oh,oh...

Anyway, on to deep and interesting things. Just kidding. Probably on to how I made my bed today. The truth is I've felt this kind of numb, sad evading feeling lately. Sometimes when I read other peoples blogs or certain poems or I watch certain movies I get this feeling that I don't have many complicated emotions and deep inner worlds in me. Sometimes I'll get a glimpse of an emotion in some song or poem and I'll get this sad, empty feeling like if I dug into myself I couldn't really come out with that much emotion but I just feel blank nothingness. It just makes me wonder lately if I know who I am. I think people who write often have a deep inner world. They know what they feel. Knowing them on the outside is like just like scratching the surface, you have to soak in their poetry, read their thoughts, perhaps view their art or whatever medium it may be to get a glimpse a view of their deep inner world. And sometimes I feel I don't really I have that but I want that richness. Sometimes I wonder if I'm afraid to look inside myself and let what's inside me really express myself. Perhaps for me to look into some of those emotions is to face a lot of self-doubt and perhaps self-loathing.

That's one of the fascinating things about art and blogging to me. Did I just put art and blogging in the same sentence? My ideas about art have been developing over time but as far as my own philosophy goes I think one of the key things in creating is being deeply honest. For the artist the kind of honesty that knocks them to their knees often in pain. It's possible, of course, to create not being transparent but I believe the art that penetrates us the most is usually the most strikingly honest and transparent. The songs, the movies that often pierce us are the songs or movies that the writers had to dig into themselves and pull things out that maybe they didn't want to look at. That's why writing poems is so good for me because I can�t write them unless I'm honest about where I am. It's one way that I try to dig into that world in me, take out some emotion and turn it over in my hand like some precious stone.

Yesterday I started my winter essay class. They were really cheery, so that was cool. Hopefully they will stay cheery even though they're going to have a ton of homework. As for me I feel way too busy. I think that will subside after my class gets into a groove. I just started with my new Taekwondo teacher (my teacher last semester left for the army today) so that's going to be interesting. Already he taught ro and I this cool hand thing. Gotta go prepare. So far I like this class but the prep makes me stressed!