I'm here in the UCLA library dying to sort through all the mental turns I've taken these last ten days.

I like the solemn, sophisticated feel of this library. This is what a university library should look like-with its large multi-colored vaulted ceiling lined with antique hanging lights and huge bay windows flooding in gentle sunlight to illuminate sleepy students eyes.

I need to write but I think it is going to have to wait while I try to navigate through the labyrinth of UCLA's unfamiliar library system. I'm starting research on development issues in Central Asia. It's going to be fun-too bad the library closes at 5pm.

If you agree with the following statement then click this link and quickly sign your name to "the one" declaration. And if you're really cool you'll be put an ad like the one I have above my archives (yes, brad pitt and I are friends). You can find the code for the ad on "the one" website.

“WE BELIEVE that in the best American tradition of helping others help themselves, now is the time to join with other countries in a historic pact for compassion and justice to help the poorest people of the world overcome AIDS and extreme poverty. WE RECOGNIZE that a pact including such measures as fair trade, debt relief, fighting corruption and directing additional resources for basic needs – education, health, clean water, food, and care for orphans – would transform the futures and hopes of an entire generation in the poorest countries, at a cost equal to just one percent more of the US budget. WE COMMIT ourselves - one person, one voice, one vote at a time - to make a better, safer world for all.”

Sorry for all these sudden tragic stories...

I was so saddened when I heard on the news today that an awesome warrior for human rights, Marla Ruzicka, died in a car bombing in Iraq. I read of her work in Iraq a year ago and promptly book marked the website of the non-profit she founded, CIVIC. CIVIC lobbies to get financial compensation for civilian casualties of war as well as bringing attention to the immense human cost of war. This beautiful warrior died at 28 pursuing this purpose.

Jake Faust, a guy that I was in a high school Christian camp with recently died. My sister told me tonight. I saw him a couple years ago after not seeing him for years. Even after all that time we still reminisced about all the fun we had at Agape High and the weird jokes camp jokes like, "sausage".

He died so tragically. He was shot by cops in his car. They had pulled him over and apparently they thought he was reaching for a gun.

I am and was when my sis told me-speechless. In truth, I barely knew Jake but I still feel his loss. It's still a great shock.

The older I get the more people I know from my childhood that have died in their 20's. The older I get the more people I know that have died. The older I get the more I realize how fragile life is. It truly can be taken away in a moment. A fragile string dangles our lives over eternity and it can so easily be broken.

It could have been me just as easily. What seemed like a normal night, a normal commute was actually the last ten minutes of his life.

Lord, be with his family...

I've been trying to think of a new name for my blog for a while. Well, here it is. I'm also looking for a new template. I think this one is just temporary while I spend ridiculous amounts of time searching for a new template.

hahahaha....oh yeah, the funny bunny move.

And by the way here's a really funny video called, "Baby's Got Bible" The sad thing is the person who posted it says it's things like this that keep him or her from taking religion seriously.

It was just a joke, whoever you are! oh well. It's still really funny.

While taking a nap today I dreamed that I had married a guy that I didn't really love. We peacefully coexisted but I knew that my heart was not passionate about him. In my dream I suddenly realized this with such strength. And I agonized in my dream about how I could have married a man I didn't love. I was desperately asking myself, "How am I going to get out of this?" Then all these things I had said in the past came back to me, "When I get married, there will be no turning back. That's why I need to be sure."

My next thought was how could my friends let me do this and then I flashed back to conversations with my friends where I had justified him. This was one of those dreams where in the dream you really think it's real.

I was so perplexed about how I got duped into this marriage that I woke up. And of course, I was so relieved. haha Dreams are so weird.

Wow. Where have I been? Have you ever noticed I tend to start my blogs with "wow"? Yeah, I've kind of noticed, so I try not to do it. It makes my entries seem like I've been out in a blizzard and I have some extraordinary tale to tell every time I come back inside. Can't you see me with snow in my hair complete with cherry red nose and rosy cheeks, "You guys won't believe this but..."

I went on another one of those weird emotional roller coasters this last week. I was laid off my job right in time for me to spend a week in San Diego for Easter. Getting laid off had a very cerebral effect on me. Suddenly, I had all these implications to sort through. I went way back and started once again reconsidering my MA not to mention a lot of ruminating on what part-time job I should pursue to pay my bills for the rest of this semester. This was all very draining and discouraging. I once again felt rootless.

I think the hardest part was hashing through the age-old debate within myself about my MA. Which MA is right for my personality, which is right for my calling, for missions...yada,yada,yada... (nerdy Bible college factoid: yada means "to know" or is one of the conjugations of "know' in Hebrew) I'm not even letting you in on all the complexities of my debates.

On top of this, some relationship issues came up that were promptly added to the soup that was brewing in my noggin. But I pretty much came full circle by the end of the week like I often do and ended with, "I guess I'm going to just keep on doing what I've been doing". Instead of the various alternatives I had been proposing in my mind such as the idea to become a Scottish highland dancer and travel India giving dance classes.

So I drove back to LA somewhat at peace leaving my storm of indecision in SD as I drove north. It also probably helped my peace of mind that by then I had some job offers to choose from.

By the way, basically what happened with my job is that they came to me and said that the student population was going down for April so they couldn't "have me" for April but they wanted me to come back in May. Crazy-eh? Yeah, I later told them I wasn't coming back cuz "homey don't play that way". I said those very words. Yeah, yup. Well, not really.

Thank the Lord that I got a job just after Easter break at a more reliable, more professional language school in Koreatown (which is an area in LA for those non-LAers). I'm starting Monday. :-) I can tell already the standards of professionalism are so much higher at this place, which is nice even for a part-time job.

Today I'm working on the African immigrant daycare project for the Community Development program I'm in. Yeah, I've been down here in SD all this week. I thought I would be bored out of mind but it's actually gone by pretty quickly. So it's about time that I busted a move on this project. I feel like I actually haven't done that much with it.

Hopefully, I'll be meeting my partner, Zuhra, tonight. So we can be more prepared for our presentation this Monday than we were last time. Most importantly though is that I really help her get this thing off the ground.

My head has been a whirl this week. Lots of drama going on at one time...I can't keep track of it all. Please say a prayer for me.

Went to Hollywood Presbyterian Church for the Good Friday service tonight. Their website catch phrase is "raising the cross over Hollywood". I thought they were just being metaphorical. So I was a bit surprised when the famous Hollywood sign on the hill was in direct view as I was driving up Gower Ave. to the church. As I drove towards the beautiful old stained glass church I realized from a distance it literally looks like the cross a top the church is hanging over the Hollywood sign.

I absolutely loved the services. I first went to the quiet contemplative communion service in a small candle lit chapel. Then we all moved solemnly over to the main sanctuary for "The Service of Gathering Darkness"

During this service we sang hymns, listened to a choir sing in Latin and then watched the passion story reenacted. And as Jesus grew closer to the cross more and more candles went out in the sanctuary until one last candle was carried out after Jesus was crucified. This to symbolize that the light of the world had died. Then the whole congregation walked out in darkness and silence.

It was emphasized that this is the first part of the service and the continuation will be on Sunday when we celebrate His resurrection.

I reveled in the seriousness and symbolism of that time. It was just what I needed. I probably would have shared more about the service tonight but my upstairs neighbors got in a HUGE fight while I was writing this entry and that has kind of kicked the inspiration out of me.

Been preoccupied lately. Really have some things that I'd like to write about. Hopefully I can do a little writing before I head down to SD for Easter.

I love Easter. It's so beautifully draped with profound theological meaning. The Passover of Egypt, the goat that was sent out of the temple carrying Israel's sins, the Old Testament symbol of the lamb culminating in one moment of history. The very center of God's redemptive plan being celebrated albeit watered down with bunny rabbits and eggs but still celebrated. I love this time of contemplating all the big words of systematic theology: depravity, justification, sanctification, atonement. All of these words dethroned and manifested in a poor, humble, outcast that was broken for me.

I'm officially done with this stinky paper I've been working on!!!! Yeah!!!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY RO POTTER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Jewliet smiles at the world and believes the world smiles back at her
She loves the world and really believes it loves her back

When I look into her brightest smile, her eyes alight with interest
I smile with her

but at times this same smile turns into a cry of fear deep inside of me

I never want her open embrace to be rejected
I never want her to see the world's smile turn into its deceptive grimace

In her world everyone is kind, happy and safe
I so desperately want that to be true

I never want that smile to fade from her face

The song I refered to in my March 6th entry is Switchfoot's This is Your Life.

I misquoted it slightly it actually is, "Don't close your eyes...this is your life. Is it everything you'd dream it would be?"

wanna listen...click here.

I'm going to get my back adjusted finally! I'm supposedly getting it done at the same place Cindy Crawford goes to (according to my chiropractor in SD).

I'm also seeing Hotel Rwanda tonight. I'm not looking forward to crying my eyes out and probably being traumatized for days but I think it's still important to see it.

I need God's presence so much right now. I haven't prayed nearly enough this week. I started my new part-time teaching job last Monday. I was rushing all around, getting up earlier than I'm used to. Lying in bed Tuesday or Wednesday it occured to me that I had totally fogotten to take time aside to commune with Him.

One morning while driving to work a song's lyrics worked their way into my sleepy consciousness. "Open your eyes....this who you are. Are you everything you dreamed you'd be?"

After I actually listened to what the singer was saying I was struck with the very words that had hit me so hard nearly two years ago on my 26th birthday. You are who you are today. You're no longer becoming, you are. Look at yourself in the mirror. Are you proud of what you've become, proud of what you do on a daily basis? Be who you want to be today. No more excuses.

These words came tumbling out onto to my brain on my 26th b-day. A searing realization from God and "a breaking" that still challenges me. Since this time I still ask myself this question as a kind of spiritual check-up, a challenge that helps me keep the weeds in my life in check.

I remember that day with a sad, resolute clarity. I was at Handong totally alone in the faculty apartments. This was a self-imposed solitude. I had purposely come back to Handong's deserted campus to work on my grad applications in silence. I had already celebrated my b-day with friends so I didn't care that I'd be alone on the actual day.

I woke up alone and sinned alone. I went on a walk in my usual rice fields. The sky was such a perfect crystal blue laced by autumn's remaining gold and red leaves as I gazed upwards. I remember I walked downed the hard, crusty mud road rimmed by tall, colorful trees and I was stumbling. Stumbling with sadness, with disappointment with myself.

I was 26 and I had become something I didn't want to be! I remember I came to the end of that trail and facing that perfect cloudless sky I burst out crying. My desparation and disappointment with myself tumbled out of my mouth in the form of, "This is not who I want to be! Help me!!!" I cried and I got on my knees.

On that 26th b-day, on that cold dirt road I realized with such searing clarity that there were sins in my life that I had to vicously up-root in order to be "the person I had dreamed I'd be".

From that moment on when I wanted to slip into old sins, old patterns I'd remind myself that who I am today is who I am. I'm proud to say that I can look in the mirror and know that there are no hidden sins in my life that I'm secretly nursing. I'm proud of who I am today.

Tonight in class one of my discussion partners totally guessed my Myers-Briggs personality type without even blinking. I asked him how he did that (he barely knows me) and he just said he has a special interest in Myers-Briggs. Whatever the case, I was impressed with his guesswork. So tonight I came back and looked up some descriptions of my personality type again.

Does this sound like me or what!!!
(taken from http://www.typelogic.com/enfp.html)

General: ENFPs are both "idea"-people and "people"-people, who see everyone and everything as part of an often bizarre cosmic whole. They want to both help (at least, their own definition of "help") and be liked and admired by other people, on both an individual and a humanitarian level. They are interested in new ideas on principle, but ultimately discard most of them for one reason or another.

Social/Personal Relationships: ENFPs have a great deal of zany charm, which can ingratiate them to the more stodgy types in spite of their unconventionality. They are outgoing, fun, and genuinely like people. As SOs/mates they are warm, affectionate (lots of PDA), and disconcertingly spontaneous. However, attention span in relationships can be short; ENFPs are easily intrigued and distracted by new friends and acquaintances, forgetting about the older ones for long stretches at a time. Less mature ENFPs may need to feel they are the center of attention all the time, to reassure them that everyone thinks they're a wonderful and fascinating person. (who me??)

ENFPs often have strong, if unconvential, convictions on various issues related to their Cosmic View. They usually try to use their social skills and contacts to persuade people gently of the rightness of these views; his sometimes results in their neglecting their nearest and dearest while flitting around trying to save the world. (hmmmm....ouch)

Work Environment: ENFPs are pleasant, easygoing, and usually fun to work with. They come up with great ideas, and are a major asset in brainstorming sessions. Follow through tends to be a problem, however; they tend to get bored quickly, especially if a newer, more interesting project comes along. They also tend to be procrastinators, both about meeting hard deadlines and about performing any small, uninteresting tasks that they've been assigned. ENFPs are at their most useful when working in a group w ith a J or two to take up the slack. (hahahahahahahahahahahaha)
ENFPs hate bureaucracy, both in principle and in practice; they will always make a point of launching one of their crusades against some aspect of it. ENFPs are friendly folks. Most are really enjoyable people. Some of the most soft-hearted people are ENFPs.

ENFPs have what some call a "silly switch." They can be intellectual, serious, all business for a while, but whenever they get the chance, they flip that switch and become CAPTAIN WILDCHILD, the scourge of the swimming pool, ticklers par excellence. Sometimes they may even appear intoxicated when the "switch" is flipped. (absolutely wrong in my case...asiofrhweiryoasfhoiwe!!!!!!!!!!!)

One study has shown that ENFPs are significantly overrepresented in psychodrama. Most have a natural propensity for role-playing and acting. (Jim Carey is an ENFP)

ENFPs like to tell funny stories, especially about their friends. This penchant may be why many are attracted to journalism. I kid one of my ENFP friends that if I want the sixth fleet to know something, I'll just tell him.

ENFPs are global learners. Close enough is satisfactory to the ENFP, which may unnerve more precise thinking types, especially with such things as piano practice ("three quarter notes or four ... what's the difference?") Amazingly, some ENFPs are adept at exacting disciplines such as mathematics.

Friends are what life is about to ENFPs, more so even than the other NFs. They hold up their end of the relationship, sometimes being victimized by less caring individuals. ENFPs are energized by being around people. Some have real difficulty being alone, especially on a regular basis.

One ENFP colleague, a social worker, had such tremendous interpersonal skills that she put her interviewers at ease during her own job interview. She had the ability to make strangers feel like old friends.

ENFPs sometimes can be blindsided by their secondary Feeling function. Hasty decisions based on deeply felt values may boil over with unpredictable results. More than one ENFP has abruptly quit a job in such a moment.

(Hey, I still want to hear any suggestions you have on "must see" movies)

Movies I need to see eventually:
(You're probably wondering where I've been. I don't know. I guess I have no excuse. :-)Anyway, this list is mostly for my use to help me remember because, of course, when it comes time to rent movies I always forget.)
Ray
The Aviator*
Bend it Like Beckham
Osama
Born into Brothels (documentary)
Westside Story
Super Size Me (documentary)
Bowling for Columbine (documentary)
Million Dollar Baby
The Motorcycle Diaries
Garden State
Hotel Rwanda
Bride and Prejudice*
Phantom of the Opera*
Finding Neverland
Vera Drake*
Shawshank Redemption

*optional

This is all I can remember right now. Do you have any other "must see" suggestions?

I'm constantly surrounded by newness. A new city, new roommates, a new work place, a new school, a new church. Sometimes I begin to forget what it feels like to be fully me, to fully fill my skin. I forget what it's like to be around people that laugh at my jokes, that get my humor.

I start feeling kind of hallow, a transparent ghost of my former self. My new life feels flimsy. It's like soft cement that's still taking shape and I find myself disappearing into the ambiguity of my life.

I smile and curtsy. I answer the familiar questions. We all nod with frozen smiles and contrived familiarity.

Later I'll look out the car window at the shadowy buildings of downtown LA with their tiny windows glowing like Christmas lights. I’m looking for something, perhaps longing for the warmth I see in those windows. Meanwhile I'm part shadow, part human-a somewhat formless being in the quiet corner of the backseat.