A statement that broke my heart tonight:

"One man, Abdulla Abdullaugli, 28, asked to take a reporter's notebook and then wrote a statement in Russian: "This is not radical Islam, simply people who want to live like the rest of the world." (meaning this uprising is not really about Islam but about people who want out of their poverty)

-taken from this article on the recent Islamic uprising in Uzbekistan

"Conformity"
(A young girl posing for a picture outside Tiananmen Square)

An old forgotten and unkept part of the great wall

Fishing boats in frozen lake, Great Wall, China

I guess this template will do. I couldn't really find a template I was satisfied with.

Now I need to put up those links, so I have easy access again to all the people that I surf.

I've decided that today I’m going to post the first installment of my very own on-going online photography exhibit. I was driving on the 5 the other day and it struck me that I would like to see all my best work together in one album. So I'm going to post my favorite pics little by little then transfer them to a “favorites” album on my photopage. It would just be interesting for me to see all those scattered experiences together in one place.

I just love photography. I'm having a hard time even beginning to explain what I love about it. There have been times when my students have brought some of their pictures to me and I've just stared at a certain pic. They had caught something on film-a movement in mid-stride, a shadow, an angle that was just right. They had caught "it".

I remember one time in particular when my TA showed me his pics of India. I exclaimed after breathing them in, "Ramon, these are good! Are you into photography?" But he didn't know what I was talking about. He had no special interest in photography and was awestruck that I saw anything special in his pics. I remember his look of, "Are we talking about the same pictures?" But in many of his pics he had caught "it". The hilarious thing was that he felt like I was picking the most inconsequential ones.

Photography feels very similar to poetry for me. I understand and create both art forms from the same place and with the same philosophy.

Wow, I've never tried to explain my ideas on photography before. That was hard. I'll have to think more about it and try to write about it again in a more articulate fashion.

Oh man, I'd really like to write right now but right now I should be stressing out about my presentation on my research paper on Central Asia tomorrow. Which currently I'm not...which is a bad thing.

Joyce, read my lips:

very important presentation tomorrow, wake up early go to stressful crummy work then drive through an hour of traffic to a very important presentation with lots of big eyes looking up at you the so-called grad student stumbling over her words if you don't get going NOW!

Comprehende? comprende? Kapish?

study, study, study....joyce....no web-surfing for you....

I've been meaning to write out some of my thoughts on this. I've been curious to see what I would come up with when I sought to turn it into words as opposed to just fluffy thoughts whirling around in my head.

Qualities that attract me to a man:
-open to people, open to new ideas
-empathetic: can easily see things from someone else's point of view
-sensitive, emotional (not in a moody, unstable way but in the sense that they feel things deeply)
-talkative and curious
-simple (not materialistic or really into fashion)
-can relate to a lot of different kinds of people
-not a stranger to pain and weakness

Hmmm...this is interesting. I'm just writing whatever first comes to mind. I have to go to bed...

To be continued

To hide one lie, a thousand more lies must be told.
~Indian proverb taken from the grammar book I'm teaching out of
Can you find the nouns?

A writer is someone who has written today (something like that)
~quote of a famous novelist taken off a Starbucks cup

Speaking of grammar, unfortunately I'm really hating teaching right now. I guess I'm burnt out. Believe it or not, I just feel like I never want to teach again.

I'm in my own body but even I don't totally understand myself. It's almost like I've suddenly become someone else in this regard. Something in the past I would have done for free now instantly repulses me.

I kind of knew when I got back from Korea that I needed a break from ESL but when I moved to LA it seemed an ESL job would mesh best with my schedule. It seems working in these flaky, factory-like ESL jobs has pushed me over the edge. Yet I should give my current job some credit-in a lot of ways they have an excellent system and they truly care about teacher development. But the school is still a somewhat chaotic moneymaking machine and I just can't take that right now.

But even as I read over what I've written I can't help thinking how spoiled I am, so many in the world don't have the luxury of choosing a job they're passionate about.

Whenever I read about Handong, I always so strongly want to be there. To just be there. I can so easily go there in my heart and remember everything so clearly. It's like that world is more real than this one.

I can remember my office and the copy room. I remember my tired body typing at my computer before my first class. I loved that sacred time when the morning quietness was still unbroken by the sounds of students shuffling into their classes. Sandy would be across from me working quietly at her desk looking professional and beautiful as usual.

Part of me feels like if I went back everything would still be there as I left it and I could jump right into it like I had never been gone. But I know that's not really true.

I think we always feel that way about times in our lives that are a little like heaven. There are those times in our lives when we feel so happy, so contented and loved that they take on their own life in our consciousness. They're like an idealized painting that has transcended the restrictions of time and just lives on in your heart.

warning: I don't have internet access in my room anymore because something is wrong with our wireless router. So it is likely that I won't be writing as much as I usually do for a little while. The same goes for email. hmmmph...

We'll see if I can work in some thoughtful reflection at my university's library some time soon.

I'm here in the UCLA library dying to sort through all the mental turns I've taken these last ten days.

I like the solemn, sophisticated feel of this library. This is what a university library should look like-with its large multi-colored vaulted ceiling lined with antique hanging lights and huge bay windows flooding in gentle sunlight to illuminate sleepy students eyes.

I need to write but I think it is going to have to wait while I try to navigate through the labyrinth of UCLA's unfamiliar library system. I'm starting research on development issues in Central Asia. It's going to be fun-too bad the library closes at 5pm.

If you agree with the following statement then click this link and quickly sign your name to "the one" declaration. And if you're really cool you'll be put an ad like the one I have above my archives (yes, brad pitt and I are friends). You can find the code for the ad on "the one" website.

“WE BELIEVE that in the best American tradition of helping others help themselves, now is the time to join with other countries in a historic pact for compassion and justice to help the poorest people of the world overcome AIDS and extreme poverty. WE RECOGNIZE that a pact including such measures as fair trade, debt relief, fighting corruption and directing additional resources for basic needs – education, health, clean water, food, and care for orphans – would transform the futures and hopes of an entire generation in the poorest countries, at a cost equal to just one percent more of the US budget. WE COMMIT ourselves - one person, one voice, one vote at a time - to make a better, safer world for all.”

Sorry for all these sudden tragic stories...

I was so saddened when I heard on the news today that an awesome warrior for human rights, Marla Ruzicka, died in a car bombing in Iraq. I read of her work in Iraq a year ago and promptly book marked the website of the non-profit she founded, CIVIC. CIVIC lobbies to get financial compensation for civilian casualties of war as well as bringing attention to the immense human cost of war. This beautiful warrior died at 28 pursuing this purpose.

Jake Faust, a guy that I was in a high school Christian camp with recently died. My sister told me tonight. I saw him a couple years ago after not seeing him for years. Even after all that time we still reminisced about all the fun we had at Agape High and the weird jokes camp jokes like, "sausage".

He died so tragically. He was shot by cops in his car. They had pulled him over and apparently they thought he was reaching for a gun.

I am and was when my sis told me-speechless. In truth, I barely knew Jake but I still feel his loss. It's still a great shock.

The older I get the more people I know from my childhood that have died in their 20's. The older I get the more people I know that have died. The older I get the more I realize how fragile life is. It truly can be taken away in a moment. A fragile string dangles our lives over eternity and it can so easily be broken.

It could have been me just as easily. What seemed like a normal night, a normal commute was actually the last ten minutes of his life.

Lord, be with his family...

I've been trying to think of a new name for my blog for a while. Well, here it is. I'm also looking for a new template. I think this one is just temporary while I spend ridiculous amounts of time searching for a new template.

hahahaha....oh yeah, the funny bunny move.

And by the way here's a really funny video called, "Baby's Got Bible" The sad thing is the person who posted it says it's things like this that keep him or her from taking religion seriously.

It was just a joke, whoever you are! oh well. It's still really funny.

While taking a nap today I dreamed that I had married a guy that I didn't really love. We peacefully coexisted but I knew that my heart was not passionate about him. In my dream I suddenly realized this with such strength. And I agonized in my dream about how I could have married a man I didn't love. I was desperately asking myself, "How am I going to get out of this?" Then all these things I had said in the past came back to me, "When I get married, there will be no turning back. That's why I need to be sure."

My next thought was how could my friends let me do this and then I flashed back to conversations with my friends where I had justified him. This was one of those dreams where in the dream you really think it's real.

I was so perplexed about how I got duped into this marriage that I woke up. And of course, I was so relieved. haha Dreams are so weird.

Wow. Where have I been? Have you ever noticed I tend to start my blogs with "wow"? Yeah, I've kind of noticed, so I try not to do it. It makes my entries seem like I've been out in a blizzard and I have some extraordinary tale to tell every time I come back inside. Can't you see me with snow in my hair complete with cherry red nose and rosy cheeks, "You guys won't believe this but..."

I went on another one of those weird emotional roller coasters this last week. I was laid off my job right in time for me to spend a week in San Diego for Easter. Getting laid off had a very cerebral effect on me. Suddenly, I had all these implications to sort through. I went way back and started once again reconsidering my MA not to mention a lot of ruminating on what part-time job I should pursue to pay my bills for the rest of this semester. This was all very draining and discouraging. I once again felt rootless.

I think the hardest part was hashing through the age-old debate within myself about my MA. Which MA is right for my personality, which is right for my calling, for missions...yada,yada,yada... (nerdy Bible college factoid: yada means "to know" or is one of the conjugations of "know' in Hebrew) I'm not even letting you in on all the complexities of my debates.

On top of this, some relationship issues came up that were promptly added to the soup that was brewing in my noggin. But I pretty much came full circle by the end of the week like I often do and ended with, "I guess I'm going to just keep on doing what I've been doing". Instead of the various alternatives I had been proposing in my mind such as the idea to become a Scottish highland dancer and travel India giving dance classes.

So I drove back to LA somewhat at peace leaving my storm of indecision in SD as I drove north. It also probably helped my peace of mind that by then I had some job offers to choose from.

By the way, basically what happened with my job is that they came to me and said that the student population was going down for April so they couldn't "have me" for April but they wanted me to come back in May. Crazy-eh? Yeah, I later told them I wasn't coming back cuz "homey don't play that way". I said those very words. Yeah, yup. Well, not really.

Thank the Lord that I got a job just after Easter break at a more reliable, more professional language school in Koreatown (which is an area in LA for those non-LAers). I'm starting Monday. :-) I can tell already the standards of professionalism are so much higher at this place, which is nice even for a part-time job.

Today I'm working on the African immigrant daycare project for the Community Development program I'm in. Yeah, I've been down here in SD all this week. I thought I would be bored out of mind but it's actually gone by pretty quickly. So it's about time that I busted a move on this project. I feel like I actually haven't done that much with it.

Hopefully, I'll be meeting my partner, Zuhra, tonight. So we can be more prepared for our presentation this Monday than we were last time. Most importantly though is that I really help her get this thing off the ground.

My head has been a whirl this week. Lots of drama going on at one time...I can't keep track of it all. Please say a prayer for me.