I guess this template will do. I couldn't really find a template I was satisfied with.

Now I need to put up those links, so I have easy access again to all the people that I surf.

I've decided that today I’m going to post the first installment of my very own on-going online photography exhibit. I was driving on the 5 the other day and it struck me that I would like to see all my best work together in one album. So I'm going to post my favorite pics little by little then transfer them to a “favorites” album on my photopage. It would just be interesting for me to see all those scattered experiences together in one place.

I just love photography. I'm having a hard time even beginning to explain what I love about it. There have been times when my students have brought some of their pictures to me and I've just stared at a certain pic. They had caught something on film-a movement in mid-stride, a shadow, an angle that was just right. They had caught "it".

I remember one time in particular when my TA showed me his pics of India. I exclaimed after breathing them in, "Ramon, these are good! Are you into photography?" But he didn't know what I was talking about. He had no special interest in photography and was awestruck that I saw anything special in his pics. I remember his look of, "Are we talking about the same pictures?" But in many of his pics he had caught "it". The hilarious thing was that he felt like I was picking the most inconsequential ones.

Photography feels very similar to poetry for me. I understand and create both art forms from the same place and with the same philosophy.

Wow, I've never tried to explain my ideas on photography before. That was hard. I'll have to think more about it and try to write about it again in a more articulate fashion.

Oh man, I'd really like to write right now but right now I should be stressing out about my presentation on my research paper on Central Asia tomorrow. Which currently I'm not...which is a bad thing.

Joyce, read my lips:

very important presentation tomorrow, wake up early go to stressful crummy work then drive through an hour of traffic to a very important presentation with lots of big eyes looking up at you the so-called grad student stumbling over her words if you don't get going NOW!

Comprehende? comprende? Kapish?

study, study, study....joyce....no web-surfing for you....

I've been meaning to write out some of my thoughts on this. I've been curious to see what I would come up with when I sought to turn it into words as opposed to just fluffy thoughts whirling around in my head.

Qualities that attract me to a man:
-open to people, open to new ideas
-empathetic: can easily see things from someone else's point of view
-sensitive, emotional (not in a moody, unstable way but in the sense that they feel things deeply)
-talkative and curious
-simple (not materialistic or really into fashion)
-can relate to a lot of different kinds of people
-not a stranger to pain and weakness

Hmmm...this is interesting. I'm just writing whatever first comes to mind. I have to go to bed...

To be continued

To hide one lie, a thousand more lies must be told.
~Indian proverb taken from the grammar book I'm teaching out of
Can you find the nouns?

A writer is someone who has written today (something like that)
~quote of a famous novelist taken off a Starbucks cup

Speaking of grammar, unfortunately I'm really hating teaching right now. I guess I'm burnt out. Believe it or not, I just feel like I never want to teach again.

I'm in my own body but even I don't totally understand myself. It's almost like I've suddenly become someone else in this regard. Something in the past I would have done for free now instantly repulses me.

I kind of knew when I got back from Korea that I needed a break from ESL but when I moved to LA it seemed an ESL job would mesh best with my schedule. It seems working in these flaky, factory-like ESL jobs has pushed me over the edge. Yet I should give my current job some credit-in a lot of ways they have an excellent system and they truly care about teacher development. But the school is still a somewhat chaotic moneymaking machine and I just can't take that right now.

But even as I read over what I've written I can't help thinking how spoiled I am, so many in the world don't have the luxury of choosing a job they're passionate about.

Whenever I read about Handong, I always so strongly want to be there. To just be there. I can so easily go there in my heart and remember everything so clearly. It's like that world is more real than this one.

I can remember my office and the copy room. I remember my tired body typing at my computer before my first class. I loved that sacred time when the morning quietness was still unbroken by the sounds of students shuffling into their classes. Sandy would be across from me working quietly at her desk looking professional and beautiful as usual.

Part of me feels like if I went back everything would still be there as I left it and I could jump right into it like I had never been gone. But I know that's not really true.

I think we always feel that way about times in our lives that are a little like heaven. There are those times in our lives when we feel so happy, so contented and loved that they take on their own life in our consciousness. They're like an idealized painting that has transcended the restrictions of time and just lives on in your heart.

warning: I don't have internet access in my room anymore because something is wrong with our wireless router. So it is likely that I won't be writing as much as I usually do for a little while. The same goes for email. hmmmph...

We'll see if I can work in some thoughtful reflection at my university's library some time soon.

I'm here in the UCLA library dying to sort through all the mental turns I've taken these last ten days.

I like the solemn, sophisticated feel of this library. This is what a university library should look like-with its large multi-colored vaulted ceiling lined with antique hanging lights and huge bay windows flooding in gentle sunlight to illuminate sleepy students eyes.

I need to write but I think it is going to have to wait while I try to navigate through the labyrinth of UCLA's unfamiliar library system. I'm starting research on development issues in Central Asia. It's going to be fun-too bad the library closes at 5pm.

If you agree with the following statement then click this link and quickly sign your name to "the one" declaration. And if you're really cool you'll be put an ad like the one I have above my archives (yes, brad pitt and I are friends). You can find the code for the ad on "the one" website.

“WE BELIEVE that in the best American tradition of helping others help themselves, now is the time to join with other countries in a historic pact for compassion and justice to help the poorest people of the world overcome AIDS and extreme poverty. WE RECOGNIZE that a pact including such measures as fair trade, debt relief, fighting corruption and directing additional resources for basic needs – education, health, clean water, food, and care for orphans – would transform the futures and hopes of an entire generation in the poorest countries, at a cost equal to just one percent more of the US budget. WE COMMIT ourselves - one person, one voice, one vote at a time - to make a better, safer world for all.”

Sorry for all these sudden tragic stories...

I was so saddened when I heard on the news today that an awesome warrior for human rights, Marla Ruzicka, died in a car bombing in Iraq. I read of her work in Iraq a year ago and promptly book marked the website of the non-profit she founded, CIVIC. CIVIC lobbies to get financial compensation for civilian casualties of war as well as bringing attention to the immense human cost of war. This beautiful warrior died at 28 pursuing this purpose.

Jake Faust, a guy that I was in a high school Christian camp with recently died. My sister told me tonight. I saw him a couple years ago after not seeing him for years. Even after all that time we still reminisced about all the fun we had at Agape High and the weird jokes camp jokes like, "sausage".

He died so tragically. He was shot by cops in his car. They had pulled him over and apparently they thought he was reaching for a gun.

I am and was when my sis told me-speechless. In truth, I barely knew Jake but I still feel his loss. It's still a great shock.

The older I get the more people I know from my childhood that have died in their 20's. The older I get the more people I know that have died. The older I get the more I realize how fragile life is. It truly can be taken away in a moment. A fragile string dangles our lives over eternity and it can so easily be broken.

It could have been me just as easily. What seemed like a normal night, a normal commute was actually the last ten minutes of his life.

Lord, be with his family...

I've been trying to think of a new name for my blog for a while. Well, here it is. I'm also looking for a new template. I think this one is just temporary while I spend ridiculous amounts of time searching for a new template.

hahahaha....oh yeah, the funny bunny move.

And by the way here's a really funny video called, "Baby's Got Bible" The sad thing is the person who posted it says it's things like this that keep him or her from taking religion seriously.

It was just a joke, whoever you are! oh well. It's still really funny.

While taking a nap today I dreamed that I had married a guy that I didn't really love. We peacefully coexisted but I knew that my heart was not passionate about him. In my dream I suddenly realized this with such strength. And I agonized in my dream about how I could have married a man I didn't love. I was desperately asking myself, "How am I going to get out of this?" Then all these things I had said in the past came back to me, "When I get married, there will be no turning back. That's why I need to be sure."

My next thought was how could my friends let me do this and then I flashed back to conversations with my friends where I had justified him. This was one of those dreams where in the dream you really think it's real.

I was so perplexed about how I got duped into this marriage that I woke up. And of course, I was so relieved. haha Dreams are so weird.

Wow. Where have I been? Have you ever noticed I tend to start my blogs with "wow"? Yeah, I've kind of noticed, so I try not to do it. It makes my entries seem like I've been out in a blizzard and I have some extraordinary tale to tell every time I come back inside. Can't you see me with snow in my hair complete with cherry red nose and rosy cheeks, "You guys won't believe this but..."

I went on another one of those weird emotional roller coasters this last week. I was laid off my job right in time for me to spend a week in San Diego for Easter. Getting laid off had a very cerebral effect on me. Suddenly, I had all these implications to sort through. I went way back and started once again reconsidering my MA not to mention a lot of ruminating on what part-time job I should pursue to pay my bills for the rest of this semester. This was all very draining and discouraging. I once again felt rootless.

I think the hardest part was hashing through the age-old debate within myself about my MA. Which MA is right for my personality, which is right for my calling, for missions...yada,yada,yada... (nerdy Bible college factoid: yada means "to know" or is one of the conjugations of "know' in Hebrew) I'm not even letting you in on all the complexities of my debates.

On top of this, some relationship issues came up that were promptly added to the soup that was brewing in my noggin. But I pretty much came full circle by the end of the week like I often do and ended with, "I guess I'm going to just keep on doing what I've been doing". Instead of the various alternatives I had been proposing in my mind such as the idea to become a Scottish highland dancer and travel India giving dance classes.

So I drove back to LA somewhat at peace leaving my storm of indecision in SD as I drove north. It also probably helped my peace of mind that by then I had some job offers to choose from.

By the way, basically what happened with my job is that they came to me and said that the student population was going down for April so they couldn't "have me" for April but they wanted me to come back in May. Crazy-eh? Yeah, I later told them I wasn't coming back cuz "homey don't play that way". I said those very words. Yeah, yup. Well, not really.

Thank the Lord that I got a job just after Easter break at a more reliable, more professional language school in Koreatown (which is an area in LA for those non-LAers). I'm starting Monday. :-) I can tell already the standards of professionalism are so much higher at this place, which is nice even for a part-time job.

Today I'm working on the African immigrant daycare project for the Community Development program I'm in. Yeah, I've been down here in SD all this week. I thought I would be bored out of mind but it's actually gone by pretty quickly. So it's about time that I busted a move on this project. I feel like I actually haven't done that much with it.

Hopefully, I'll be meeting my partner, Zuhra, tonight. So we can be more prepared for our presentation this Monday than we were last time. Most importantly though is that I really help her get this thing off the ground.

My head has been a whirl this week. Lots of drama going on at one time...I can't keep track of it all. Please say a prayer for me.

Went to Hollywood Presbyterian Church for the Good Friday service tonight. Their website catch phrase is "raising the cross over Hollywood". I thought they were just being metaphorical. So I was a bit surprised when the famous Hollywood sign on the hill was in direct view as I was driving up Gower Ave. to the church. As I drove towards the beautiful old stained glass church I realized from a distance it literally looks like the cross a top the church is hanging over the Hollywood sign.

I absolutely loved the services. I first went to the quiet contemplative communion service in a small candle lit chapel. Then we all moved solemnly over to the main sanctuary for "The Service of Gathering Darkness"

During this service we sang hymns, listened to a choir sing in Latin and then watched the passion story reenacted. And as Jesus grew closer to the cross more and more candles went out in the sanctuary until one last candle was carried out after Jesus was crucified. This to symbolize that the light of the world had died. Then the whole congregation walked out in darkness and silence.

It was emphasized that this is the first part of the service and the continuation will be on Sunday when we celebrate His resurrection.

I reveled in the seriousness and symbolism of that time. It was just what I needed. I probably would have shared more about the service tonight but my upstairs neighbors got in a HUGE fight while I was writing this entry and that has kind of kicked the inspiration out of me.

Been preoccupied lately. Really have some things that I'd like to write about. Hopefully I can do a little writing before I head down to SD for Easter.

I love Easter. It's so beautifully draped with profound theological meaning. The Passover of Egypt, the goat that was sent out of the temple carrying Israel's sins, the Old Testament symbol of the lamb culminating in one moment of history. The very center of God's redemptive plan being celebrated albeit watered down with bunny rabbits and eggs but still celebrated. I love this time of contemplating all the big words of systematic theology: depravity, justification, sanctification, atonement. All of these words dethroned and manifested in a poor, humble, outcast that was broken for me.

I'm officially done with this stinky paper I've been working on!!!! Yeah!!!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY RO POTTER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Jewliet smiles at the world and believes the world smiles back at her
She loves the world and really believes it loves her back

When I look into her brightest smile, her eyes alight with interest
I smile with her

but at times this same smile turns into a cry of fear deep inside of me

I never want her open embrace to be rejected
I never want her to see the world's smile turn into its deceptive grimace

In her world everyone is kind, happy and safe
I so desperately want that to be true

I never want that smile to fade from her face

The song I refered to in my March 6th entry is Switchfoot's This is Your Life.

I misquoted it slightly it actually is, "Don't close your eyes...this is your life. Is it everything you'd dream it would be?"

wanna listen...click here.

I'm going to get my back adjusted finally! I'm supposedly getting it done at the same place Cindy Crawford goes to (according to my chiropractor in SD).

I'm also seeing Hotel Rwanda tonight. I'm not looking forward to crying my eyes out and probably being traumatized for days but I think it's still important to see it.

I need God's presence so much right now. I haven't prayed nearly enough this week. I started my new part-time teaching job last Monday. I was rushing all around, getting up earlier than I'm used to. Lying in bed Tuesday or Wednesday it occured to me that I had totally fogotten to take time aside to commune with Him.

One morning while driving to work a song's lyrics worked their way into my sleepy consciousness. "Open your eyes....this who you are. Are you everything you dreamed you'd be?"

After I actually listened to what the singer was saying I was struck with the very words that had hit me so hard nearly two years ago on my 26th birthday. You are who you are today. You're no longer becoming, you are. Look at yourself in the mirror. Are you proud of what you've become, proud of what you do on a daily basis? Be who you want to be today. No more excuses.

These words came tumbling out onto to my brain on my 26th b-day. A searing realization from God and "a breaking" that still challenges me. Since this time I still ask myself this question as a kind of spiritual check-up, a challenge that helps me keep the weeds in my life in check.

I remember that day with a sad, resolute clarity. I was at Handong totally alone in the faculty apartments. This was a self-imposed solitude. I had purposely come back to Handong's deserted campus to work on my grad applications in silence. I had already celebrated my b-day with friends so I didn't care that I'd be alone on the actual day.

I woke up alone and sinned alone. I went on a walk in my usual rice fields. The sky was such a perfect crystal blue laced by autumn's remaining gold and red leaves as I gazed upwards. I remember I walked downed the hard, crusty mud road rimmed by tall, colorful trees and I was stumbling. Stumbling with sadness, with disappointment with myself.

I was 26 and I had become something I didn't want to be! I remember I came to the end of that trail and facing that perfect cloudless sky I burst out crying. My desparation and disappointment with myself tumbled out of my mouth in the form of, "This is not who I want to be! Help me!!!" I cried and I got on my knees.

On that 26th b-day, on that cold dirt road I realized with such searing clarity that there were sins in my life that I had to vicously up-root in order to be "the person I had dreamed I'd be".

From that moment on when I wanted to slip into old sins, old patterns I'd remind myself that who I am today is who I am. I'm proud to say that I can look in the mirror and know that there are no hidden sins in my life that I'm secretly nursing. I'm proud of who I am today.

Tonight in class one of my discussion partners totally guessed my Myers-Briggs personality type without even blinking. I asked him how he did that (he barely knows me) and he just said he has a special interest in Myers-Briggs. Whatever the case, I was impressed with his guesswork. So tonight I came back and looked up some descriptions of my personality type again.

Does this sound like me or what!!!
(taken from http://www.typelogic.com/enfp.html)

General: ENFPs are both "idea"-people and "people"-people, who see everyone and everything as part of an often bizarre cosmic whole. They want to both help (at least, their own definition of "help") and be liked and admired by other people, on both an individual and a humanitarian level. They are interested in new ideas on principle, but ultimately discard most of them for one reason or another.

Social/Personal Relationships: ENFPs have a great deal of zany charm, which can ingratiate them to the more stodgy types in spite of their unconventionality. They are outgoing, fun, and genuinely like people. As SOs/mates they are warm, affectionate (lots of PDA), and disconcertingly spontaneous. However, attention span in relationships can be short; ENFPs are easily intrigued and distracted by new friends and acquaintances, forgetting about the older ones for long stretches at a time. Less mature ENFPs may need to feel they are the center of attention all the time, to reassure them that everyone thinks they're a wonderful and fascinating person. (who me??)

ENFPs often have strong, if unconvential, convictions on various issues related to their Cosmic View. They usually try to use their social skills and contacts to persuade people gently of the rightness of these views; his sometimes results in their neglecting their nearest and dearest while flitting around trying to save the world. (hmmmm....ouch)

Work Environment: ENFPs are pleasant, easygoing, and usually fun to work with. They come up with great ideas, and are a major asset in brainstorming sessions. Follow through tends to be a problem, however; they tend to get bored quickly, especially if a newer, more interesting project comes along. They also tend to be procrastinators, both about meeting hard deadlines and about performing any small, uninteresting tasks that they've been assigned. ENFPs are at their most useful when working in a group w ith a J or two to take up the slack. (hahahahahahahahahahahaha)
ENFPs hate bureaucracy, both in principle and in practice; they will always make a point of launching one of their crusades against some aspect of it. ENFPs are friendly folks. Most are really enjoyable people. Some of the most soft-hearted people are ENFPs.

ENFPs have what some call a "silly switch." They can be intellectual, serious, all business for a while, but whenever they get the chance, they flip that switch and become CAPTAIN WILDCHILD, the scourge of the swimming pool, ticklers par excellence. Sometimes they may even appear intoxicated when the "switch" is flipped. (absolutely wrong in my case...asiofrhweiryoasfhoiwe!!!!!!!!!!!)

One study has shown that ENFPs are significantly overrepresented in psychodrama. Most have a natural propensity for role-playing and acting. (Jim Carey is an ENFP)

ENFPs like to tell funny stories, especially about their friends. This penchant may be why many are attracted to journalism. I kid one of my ENFP friends that if I want the sixth fleet to know something, I'll just tell him.

ENFPs are global learners. Close enough is satisfactory to the ENFP, which may unnerve more precise thinking types, especially with such things as piano practice ("three quarter notes or four ... what's the difference?") Amazingly, some ENFPs are adept at exacting disciplines such as mathematics.

Friends are what life is about to ENFPs, more so even than the other NFs. They hold up their end of the relationship, sometimes being victimized by less caring individuals. ENFPs are energized by being around people. Some have real difficulty being alone, especially on a regular basis.

One ENFP colleague, a social worker, had such tremendous interpersonal skills that she put her interviewers at ease during her own job interview. She had the ability to make strangers feel like old friends.

ENFPs sometimes can be blindsided by their secondary Feeling function. Hasty decisions based on deeply felt values may boil over with unpredictable results. More than one ENFP has abruptly quit a job in such a moment.

(Hey, I still want to hear any suggestions you have on "must see" movies)

Movies I need to see eventually:
(You're probably wondering where I've been. I don't know. I guess I have no excuse. :-)Anyway, this list is mostly for my use to help me remember because, of course, when it comes time to rent movies I always forget.)
Ray
The Aviator*
Bend it Like Beckham
Osama
Born into Brothels (documentary)
Westside Story
Super Size Me (documentary)
Bowling for Columbine (documentary)
Million Dollar Baby
The Motorcycle Diaries
Garden State
Hotel Rwanda
Bride and Prejudice*
Phantom of the Opera*
Finding Neverland
Vera Drake*
Shawshank Redemption

*optional

This is all I can remember right now. Do you have any other "must see" suggestions?

I'm constantly surrounded by newness. A new city, new roommates, a new work place, a new school, a new church. Sometimes I begin to forget what it feels like to be fully me, to fully fill my skin. I forget what it's like to be around people that laugh at my jokes, that get my humor.

I start feeling kind of hallow, a transparent ghost of my former self. My new life feels flimsy. It's like soft cement that's still taking shape and I find myself disappearing into the ambiguity of my life.

I smile and curtsy. I answer the familiar questions. We all nod with frozen smiles and contrived familiarity.

Later I'll look out the car window at the shadowy buildings of downtown LA with their tiny windows glowing like Christmas lights. I’m looking for something, perhaps longing for the warmth I see in those windows. Meanwhile I'm part shadow, part human-a somewhat formless being in the quiet corner of the backseat.

"A loving heart is the truest wisdom."

-insightful anonymous quote on a tea bag :-)

Damp, slightly chilled in my gram's linoleum lined house, pleasantly worn out from hours of hiking in the rain with my sis, clothed with the starchy feeling that wearing the same clothes 3 days in row gives you I ponder my meeting with Zuhra Ahmed.

Zuhra's brightly colored headscarf and clothes contrasted strangely with Starbuck's predictable, brownish decor. We talked a long time about her life as a refugee, her plan to open a childcare center for single African mothers in her small apartment. She's soft spoken, quiet, a seemingly opinionless Sudanese refugee in our Community Economic Development program but once you talk with her alone you learn the real story. She's sharp in her wit as well as in her observations.

Zuhra brought up over coffee today that our African-American marketing teacher had casually made some derogatory comments about Africa's poverty at the beginning of class yesterday. It hadn't occurred to me how this would sound to someone from Africa until she brought it up. I was slightly ashamed that I didn't give it a thought at the time.

"That lady talked negatively about Africa's villages...well, at least I know where I'm from." Zuhra waved proudly.

I smiled warmly at this comment which was somewhat inappropriate at that juncture but I couldn't help it. I liked her style, her vision, her perseverance in the face of memories and injustice I have no concept of.

Later she was drawing a family tree of sorts of Sudan's tribal/language groups. I saw the light in her eyes as she explained that Sudan has many tribes each speaking their own language but even each tribal language has clan offshoots that have their own dialect. But of course, she reminded me everyone in Sudan also speaks Arabic. She smiled as she told me she was a Kakwa, a minority group in Sudan.

As she was telling me with about her country I felt a penetrating emotion start welling up somewhere in my rib cage. Sudden emotion, empathy I 'spose hit me unexpectedly and hoped I wouldn't surprise Zuhra by breaking into tears out of the blue.

Watching her talk animatedly of the wars, the constant relocation of the African people my eyes traced the colorful embroidery on her sweater. The color rippled on and on...zipping in and out...contorting into various shapes like the African people. Torn down, ripped apart but constantly regrouping, colorful despite it all. And I fought off the urge to cry at the depravity of a continent constantly convulsing with war, poverty, and injustice.

Funny things Jewliet has said recently:
(Joshua says lots of funny stuff also but I can't remember any of it right now)

Jewl (4 and half...she won't let you forget the half) and Joshua (3 years old) in the car with auntie Joyce:

auntie Joyce: ah man, I forgot my laundry!
Jewliet: auntie Joyce why'd you say, "ah man!"
auntie Joyce: Because I forget things a lot.
Jewliet: me too (sympathetically)
auntie Joyce: haaahahahaa, you do? What have you forgotten?
Jewliet: I forget my toys....and I forgot my backpack on the cruise boat. (she went on a Disney cruise in Dec. with her family)
auntie Joyce: hahahaha...(more discussion about the cruise boats and lost backpacks)

Mommy and daddy's date night/baby-sitting duty for auntie Joyce...

Good night prayer time with Joshua and Jewliet:
Snippets of Jewliet's prayer...

Dear Jesus...
I love mommy and daddy.
I love Joshua.
I love myself... (stifled laughter from auntie Joyce)

I love the beautiful trees and the sky is very beautiful.
Amen

By the way, I'm also in a web-design class in addition to my grad classes. You know me I can't keep this web-design thing out of my system. So I found a web-design class at a community college kind of near my house. So far it's hilarious. It's like taking a web-design class taught by Bill Murray.

Here's an example:

Reading through syllabus...

Reading rote from syllabus, "3 absences equal an F."

Aside seriously to the class, "If you don't come to class, you can't use the computer and then you can't use the programs. Unless you have them at home but if you have them at home then don't come bother me in class."

Reading rote from syllabus, "Come to all classes."

Aside to the class, "Once you get the hang of the class you'll want to come anyway. And plus we're going to start making brownies during class and we'll work with gooey keyboards."

If anyone new walks into the class, he abruptly asks, "Who are you?!"

At one point one of the students confessed to him as he was walking around the computer's checking on work that they were "lost". To which he calmly replied, "Well, you're on 12432 Overland St., West LA City College." haha

He totally has that random, deadpan humor. Actually, now that I come to think of it he actually looks a little like Bill Murray, too.

I can't even capture how funny and random this guy is. The people in the class make the whole situation even more humorous. Most of them just sit there clueless what to do with this guy's random, straight-faced humor and that strikes me as even more hilarious.

Good news: Did well in my model lesson. Had fun with the students. Hopefully will start making some mooola! Went to a cool Mosaic small group and met some cool people. Finally, got a charger so I can now resurrect my sleeping cell phone.

BAD news: Received 2 parking tickets in the past two days!!!!!!!! AHHHHHHH! Like I'm some millionaire that can afford to donate big bucks to LA county! RahhhhhhR!

I just got back from my 45 minutes to an hour commute back from school. So far I don't mind it too much except that it uses a lot of gas. I mostly space out listening to NPR or rocking out to star98.7. I am known for being privy to long drives alone with my thoughts and this commute is not proving to be an exception.

I went to an interview for a language institute job downtown this morning. I almost didn't make it there on time with the traffic being worse than I had anticipated not to mention missing a turn.

The director seemed nice and we got along quite well. I had to describe how I would teach various lessons. I need to get over this weird pride thing I have. I felt almost insulted at times by his questions. "Of course, I know that. Do you think I'm some nitwit ESL teacher? What kind of teachers do you have coming in here anyway?" Thankfully, I didn't say any of those things nor (amazingly) show them in my face.

He seemed very satisfied by my answers and said I seemed to know what I was talking about. Then I had to take a grammar and English usage quiz. Which once again I was secretly insulted by. I'm snobbishly happy to say that I aced it except for some tricky sentence graphing including "abbreviated adjective clauses".

I now have to give a sample lesson tomorrow with the director and curriculum coordinator watching. Hmmm...a little scary. Teaching in front of evaluative people is always unnerving. But on one hand I figure what do I have to lose. Just go in there and do what I know to do and if they don't like me "oh well" it's not like this is my dream job.

Joshua looking at himself in the mirror shyly. We laughed ourselves silly when he did this. It was so cute.

Joshua's B-day

I was cleaning up the files on my computer earlier and realized that I never posted some of these cute pics cuz they were on my sister's computer. So just thought I'd catch you up on some cute pics of Halloween and Joshua's B-day.

Had my first class yesterday. It was good. Intercultural Com. for Teachers. There were times when I felt like I was going to explode because I had had so many experiences concerning the case studies we were going through.

I didn't want to seem like the overeager know-it-all so I was trying to clamp my mouth shut because even when I clamp my mouth shut I still end up saying a lot. :-)

It was interesting to be in class again after being a teacher for a couple years. Remembering once again how scary teachers actually are. Not that my prof. is unkind but she is an authority figure that has power over me through grades. As a teacher I'm usually on the other end of that dynamic and I so easily forget what it feels like to be on the student side.

As for me, I always desperately want my teachers to like me but often feel that they don't for unsubstantiated reasons. I remember one student in Korea that came up to me with his friend after a couple classes and asked me with a sad face why I didn't like him. I was, of course, flabbergasted. "Not like you! Of course, I like you. Why would you think that?"

I think he shrugged his shoulders with a smile. I had confirmed that I liked him and that was enough for him. I remember being concerned about that especially because I knew exactly how he felt. *smile* Now here I am in the same situation. But I think I'll just deal with that child inside between me and God instead of asking my profs. if they like me. :-)

Oh yeah, the real reason I'm writing. Ever since I moved to the concrete jungle I've had the uncanny feeling that when I'm in my bathroom I smell chlorine. I wish I could say I smell it because I compulsively clean my bathroom. haha Yup, I think my shower water has a high percentage of chlorine and who knows what else. Yeah, so I can't get over the feeling that I'm taking toxic showers.

I have really sensitive skin so even if I move to a new city that has great water (like Portland) my skin usually gets irritated until it adjusts to the new water. But this time I suspect it's more than my skin adjusting it's that the water is nasty.

So I'm taking action. I've heard of filters for showers because some people argue even if you don't live in LA water has too much chlorine in it. And our skin absorbs more of it through showers than our drinking water. Does anybody know about good shower filters? Here's what I've found so far. Let me know if you know anything about this.

Off to class...

I'm standing on the edge of the eve of my first day of school and still savoring the sweetness of yesterday. Sandy's wedding has turned out to be a fountain of connections. Everyone I've met or hung out with in this last week has been somehow connected to her or her wedding.

Yesterday I went to church with James, one of the former groomsmen. I got his email only a couple hours before the night service he had asked me to go to. I had heard of Mosaic and had been inclined to think it wouldn't be my type of church.

Boy, was I pleasantly surprised. It did have the rock-star facade I had suspected but it had the substance to support it. A lot of churches mistakenly focus on outward appearances such as jamming worship and spitting, frantic speakers and overlook what really drives a church-substance. Substance shown in the preaching of the Word, substance in the lives of the people.

I've visited many churches in my short lifetime but I can't remember going to a church where the people were this welcoming. Of course, it probably helped that James and his friend Mark were introducing me to everyone they know which seemed like everyone. :-)

After church we went out to dinner with around 20 people from the church. One of the things striking things about the church is how diverse it is culturally and ethnically. You see everything from punks to professionals of any color walking around with big smiles on their faces.

Well, I don't want to jump the gun and say I'm making this my home church in LA. I'm going to pray about it and keep on going. But I'm excited about the prospect that God may have answered "yes" when I prayed, "Please God, this time can I find a home church right away?!" Usually, when I move to a new place it takes me forever to feel at home in a church.

Oh and by the way, check out some of the new links I've posted.

Probably because of the influence of the U2 concert frenzy I've been listening to U2 a lot lately. I love this song. His questioning, his pain and hope really resonate (I'm pretty sure he wrote this song after 9/11)...

Peace On Earth
Heaven on Earth
We need it now
I'm sick of all of this
Hanging around
Sick of sorrow
Sick of pain
Sick of hearing again and again
That there's gonna be
Peace on Earth

Where I grew up
There weren't many trees
Where there was we'd tear them down
And use them on our enemies
They say that what you mock
Will surely overtake you
And you become a monster
So the monster will not break you

It's already gone too far
Who said that if you go in hard
You won't get hurt

Jesus could you take the time
To throw a drowning man a line
Peace on Earth
Tell the ones who hear no sound
Whose sons are living in the ground
Peace on Earth
No whos or whys
No-one cries like a mother cries

For peace on Earth
She never got to say goodbye
To see the colour in his eyes
Now he's in the dirt
Peace on Earth
They're reading names out over the radio
All the folks the rest of us won't get to know
Sean and Julia, Gareth, Ann and Breda
Their lives are bigger, than any big idea

Jesus can you take the time
To throw a drowning man a line
Peace on Earth
To tell the ones who hear no sound
Whose sons are living in the ground

Peace on Earth

Jesus this song you wrote
The words are sticking in my throat
Peace on Earth
Hear it every Christmas time
But hope and history won't rhyme
So what's it worth?
This peace on Earth

Peace on Earth
Peace on Earth
Peace on Earth

U2 is going to be in LA in April. Man, I wish I could go to that concert. Just costs 190.00 for a nose bleed seat.

Does anyone want to go with me? ...and pay for my ticket, too? :-)

I rambled around my kitchen this morning with the distinct feeling that I had been engrossed in a very intense conversation, that I had been very involved in something but I couldn't remember what it was. Which, of course, must have been my dreams.

I had a weird one right before I got up. ha,ha I've started setting my alarm to radio, so when my alarm goes off I hear the sudden booming voices of NPR.

This morning there was a story titled something like, "What do neo-conservatives and environmentalists have in common?" It was a story of one prominent Republican’s commitment to having an electric-gas hybrid car.

But suddenly in my dream I was with a bunch of Portland-like hippies carrying grain and supplies into an African hut. Apparently, we were on a relief mission. As we were all laboring carrying heavy sacks Dick Cheney was following us around spouting this long spiel about why he got a hybrid car.

When I finally heard someone say, "Thank you, blah-blah, for talking with us today" (not Dick Cheney) my mind started to drift towards consciousness.

mishmash

Listened to an interview with Jim Wallis, author of God's Politics: Why the Right gets it Wrong and the Left Doesn't Get It and editior of Sojourners Magazine today. Very, very interesting. I agree with a great deal of what he said. I HIGHLY recommend that you listen to this interview for a refreshing voice in the Evangelical community.

If you're more of a TV kind of person here's Jim Wallis on the Daily Show. (however, the radio interview is more in depth)

On a different note, while I was watching the Daily Show on Comedy Central I also looked at their other videos. Their "Top 5 Bush Inauguration Videos" were really funny. Especially "Black Bush" and "Speechalist" (Warning: Black Bush has way too much profanity (thankfully it's beeped out), however, if you can get past that it's really funny.)

The sad thing about the "Speechalist" video is that I totally relate to Bush because when I'm nervous I mess my words all up, too.

Philip Johnson, a famous architect died yesterday. Check out his most acclaimed building called the "Glass House". Amazing-isn't it? Never seen anything quite like it. It was actually the house he built for himself.

Saw "House of Flying Daggers" tonight. It was good but lacked the well-woven plot of Crouching Tiger.

My sis got in an argument with a girl and her boyfriend sitting a seat away from us in the theater. That was crazy...apparently we were whispering too loudly. But if you ask me both June and that girl were way too combative.

Actually, it seemed that whole theater was full of interesting characters. Four rows ahead of us a pair of girls yelled out, "yes!" when what seemed like a sex scene started (unfortunately for those girls it was cut short) Then later in the movie some older guys behind us started talking loudly and laughing in an intense moment. The audience was also more reactive in surprise scenes than normal.

At one point I looked at my sister and whispered that this crowd was wacko...of course, hoping that girl wouldn't go off on me for whispering again. :-)

I'm in SD right now because I have to finish the Community Economic Development program I'm in. So I'll be coming back to SD every other weekend until April.

I've just gotten settled in LA. It took me a while to gather the furniture I needed and now I've finally got all my stuff off the floor. I have my orientation next week and I don't start classes until the 31st.

So I still feel like my life is in slow motion just punctuated by cleaning and moving. The month before I left SD I was cleaning and decorating my grams house. And now I'm cleaning and organizing again. To be honest, I just feel like my life is never going to have the same sense of meaning again. Seems like it's just a never-ending river of mundane nothingness.

Part of me wishes that the audience of my blog wasn't so big (big for me). It's definitely expanded beyond my close friends. That's cool and everything but I guess I write this blog like I'm talking to really close friends. The knowledge that people I don't know are reading sometimes taints my view of my entries....instead of seeing them in light of the meaning I intend I start to look at them the way others might perceive them. But oh well, I think I have to blog that way and if I look like a big whiner...well, that's probably true anyway. :-)

By the way, I'm going to be writing people back from my back-logged emails now that I know where my underwear is.

I'm on the move!

Yup, I'm driving up to LA tomorrow (technically today) with my car stuffed full of my loosely boxed clothes and stuff. That's one of the many weird things about moving to a city so close. I don't really have to pack my stuff up in boxes and suitcases. Definitely not the way I have to if I'm moving to another state or country. I've never lived this close to San Diego. It's going to be different to be able to say, "I'm going to San Diego for the weekend."

By the way, for those that I haven't emailed back. I haven't forgotten...I'm going to email soon!

Didn't want to share this while I was in a grumpy mood but I can't sleep. So here I am. I'm grumpy because my grandma and uncle are making me crazy! They are so overly independent. They think they don't need anybody, that they're just dandy on their own. Well, they are SO wrong.

This next announcement is not directly related to my late night grumpiness. Are you ready? Are you sitting down?

I'm moving to LA in the next two weeks.....to start my M.A. in Intercultural Studies at Biola University.

Surprise! And it was kind of a surprise to me, too. It all came together rather quickly. Another pleasant surprise is that I'm going to be living with Margaret whom I had only met briefly at Sandy's wedding and bridal shower.

It's funny because even while we were in Korea Sandy would tell me that I had to read Margaret's xanga because Margaret and I had so much in common. Unfortunately, I didn't heed Sandy's advice until after the wedding when I read her ad for a roommate in LA on her xanga. However, at that time I had no plan to go to Biola this semester. Yet I kept reading her site and to be honest (don't be embarrassed, Margaret) I was so fascinated by her thoughts and realized that Sandy was so right.

So long story short about 3 weeks ago I met my future roommates Annie and Margaret over some Japanese food. We were all three so amazed at how similar our passions are. (Annie will be starting her M.A. in Intercultural Studies at Fuller next semester.)

So meanwhile I'm trying to prepare my grandma and uncle to have someone live with them but that's getting sticky. I'm also redecorating and putting up pictures like a mad woman. Within the next couple days I'm going to start packing up my stuff to drive it up to LA.

To be honest, now that going to Biola is a reality I'm feeling more fear about going back to school. It's been a long time. I guess I just feel nervous about everything. Starting over in a new city, feeling afraid that the dull meaninglessness I've felt here in SD is going to somehow follow me wherever I go.

Ro and I were talking on the phone the other day about our next semesters. Both her and I have struggled with a dull, lifeless boredom swallowing up our lives. However, she shared with me how she eventually reached a breaking point and came to an understanding with God about what He was doing in her life. And ya know, that understanding is so key-isn't it? It's usually the beginning of the end of a lesson God is teaching you.

I realized when she was telling me this that I hadn't come to that point of understanding yet. I know in my mind and even believe in my heart that God truly loves me and is involved in my life. But I have often felt this semester that God has left me to my own devices, that He isn't guiding me but is just letting me wander blindly even though I have semi-consistently called out to Him.

Reaching an understanding is not necessarily having my questions answered or knowing God's reasons but is having peace despite not having those answers. I'm not there yet but I look forward to the maturity I'll have hopefully gained through this.

It's 2005. Wow. 10 years since I graduated from high school. 5 years since I graduated from college.

Wow

Some 2005 hopes and prayers...

Speedy restoration and relief as well as hope in Christ for survivors in South East Asia

Stability and self-rule in Iraq

(this one's a stretch but I want to hope anyway) A Nelson Mandela type to replace Arafat as the leader of the Palestinian people

My niece accepted into the Spanish/English immersion elementary school

All my Uzbek friends to know the Lord

My mother to find peace of mind and peace with God

To move a couple more feet away from my one-dimensional understanding of God and closer to knowing the depths of His character and love

Find an awesome church and community in the US of A

All my friends to prosper in all the right ways

Greater maturity and depth as well as more self-acceptance

Learn how to make a website for myself and my students

Mentor inner city/refugee youth

Fall in love with my partner in life and ministry

Somehow today I acquired a strange anger that grew more pronounced as the day wore on. An underground, subtle anger undetectable to the naked eye but it was there nonetheless.

I just felt fed up with everything. Fed up with people wasting their lives. Fed up with poverty.

Will everyone just get their act together?!

Fed up with my family particularly my grandma and uncle. Realizing more and more that they've wasted their lives in so many ways, hiding away from life...taking the easy way instead of facing life with strength.

Fed up with hearing "thousands of lives would have been spared if the countries surrounding the Indian ocean would have had an alarm system set up like the fat, wealthy, greedy Western countries that don't give a d**n about anybody but alas South East Asia doesn't have the technology or the money. " Oh well for them! Who cares anyway? We're in our nice, clean homes driving our SUVs listening to our stupid shallow music.

Later I was reading statistics for at-risk youth in Pasadena. It's always the same. The patterns of poverty, ignorance and abuse taking their toll on youth. I've seen it again and again in my neighborhood, my church, the inner city mentoring program I worked for. We should all have the lyrics of this song memorized but still it goes on playing. I'm so tired of it.

At the end of the day I was so angry at it all and I knew all my musings we're slowly growing more personal. It's not just about the patterns of injustice in the world but it's about me. I feel angry about my own personal legacy of injustice. That my parents dropped the ball, that my grandmother doesn't have more common sense, that I've been to left pick up the pieces of this family atomic bomb.

Dead Are Put at 57,000 as Bodies Wash Ashore — Many Missing


woman mourning for deceased children

rendered homeless

woman mourning at burial site in Cuddalore, India


"The world's most powerful earthquake in more than 40 years erupted underwater off of the Indonesian island of Sumatra on Dec. 26. It sent walls of water barreling thousands of miles, killing a reported 57,000 people in almost a dozen countries." (Sources: New York Times reporters; The Associated Press; LandScan population database)

I wish it would have never happened.

I wish it wouldn't have happened on my b-day. (Sounds self-centered...I know. But it's the truth.)

Let's help out our fellow human beings in this incredible tragedy...

Donate:
(here are some organizations I recommend because they've been recommended to me by reliable sources)
World Relief

UNICEF

Christian Aid

Mercy Corp.

Gospel for Asia
(An organization that I regularly donate to that is very reliable. They are primarily an evangelistic organization; however, because they have so many missionaries in India they are involved in the relief effort.)

Merry Christmas everyone!

Christmas party with some old school SD friends..


Speaking of cookie monster...Jewl, Joshua, June, Katrin and I all collaborated on making a ginger bread house. The walls kept falling down so alas we had to tie licorice ropes around the four walls to keep them up. But ours was still the coolest love shack with the most candy decorating its iced walls...thanks to Jewliet and Joshua.

Every now and then I just want to do weird, random things that crack me up in my own "joyce world".

But then I think, "Joyce, get a grip. After you've had your little fun you're going to turn around and no one's going to be laughing and everyone's going to have the "awe struck...we don't get it and you're weird" face."

Things like putting my blog in the "New York Asians" and "Black College Students" blogrings. Oh man, that strikes me as so funny. Especially, if I had the whitest, dorkiest close up nerdy white girl pic of myself on my blog. hahahhaaaaaa

Uh... Nobody's laughing.

I can just see it now. Someone scrolling through the pics and descriptions then seeing my overeager shiny white face. What the heck is this?

hahahahaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahahaa

A-hem...anyway...

I once heard a comedian share some thoughts along this line and I thought, "Oh my gosh, I always wonder stuff like that, too!" He said something like, "I wonder what would happen if you growled, "I'm a cookie monster" at a cop out your window as he drove by. What could the cop say? I'm pulling you over....because you said, "I'm a cookie monster" in a funny voice."

hahhhaaaaaaaaaaaaaa..... I totally wonder stuff like that and wish I had the guts to do it sometimes because it would be so funny. Sometimes I'll totally crack up to myself because I'll think what if I said this in the grocery store out loud. Haha That would be so funny because everyone would be so confused.

But anyway, I put an invisible stat tracker on my blog yesterday. It's the kind of tracker where I can see when people visit my site as well as what state/city they're viewing my blog from. So far that's been kind of trippy for me.

Someone's visiting my site from Delaware. Delaware. Where is Delaware, anyway? :-)

Sometimes I feel like I'm in God's Special Ed. program. Another person could do so many of things I've done and so many of the things I'm going to attempt so much better. I actually know people who would be much more effective and efficient than me in so many of my dreams.

I was finishing my application/essay for Biola and thinking about my dreams and aspirations for the future as I emailed the last of the documents. And I thought, "My dreams are SO much bigger than my ability to accomplish them. Who am I kidding? Who do I think I am?"

Then the thought occurred to me that this a good thing, so that God's power could be that much clearer. That's definitely the case in my life. I feel like I'm always pulling off these amazing things but it's just totally luck. Secretly, God and I are always having a good laugh at the folly of it all. That someone like me could have so many opportunities. It doesn't make sense. But God's equation doesn't make sense, when you add Him into the picture all the numbers go crazy.

For example:
poor carpentar+no training+poor unimportant family+3 years preaching=most influential world figure ever

But here's the real equation:
poor carpentar+no training+poor unimportant family+3 years preaching(God factor)=most influential world figure ever

Even though I know that in my weakness He is strong I still can't help feeling guilty sometimes that He has entrusted me with so much when I know others would do better than me with the resources He's given. However, at the same time I know God's program doesn't work that way. His program often doesn't work with the strong/talented but enlists the weak and broken that He may shine brighter.

So I go on depending on Him in my inadequacy that He may glare brighter as He shocks us all with what He can do with a weak, dependent underachiever.

Hail thee Lady Liberty! The Statue of Liberty and her trusty NYC tour guide, Chris!


Three babes on top of the Empire State building. brrrr... It was cold and blustery up there!

Well, more NYC pics to come in the coming weeks and hopefully a summary of my time there.

I was reading what I wrote in my last entry and reliving that memory still causes pain to pull tightly around my heart. I know the other Pohang girls feel similarly (even Sandy who left Korea to marry the man of her DREAMS) which leads me to wonder what was so powerful about that time? Of course, it was a great time with incredible people. But to be honest, I have lots of great friends (as do the other Pohang girls) and I've had a lot of amazing times in my life. But there's something special about the loss of that time.

Just theorizing. It was very concentrated. Just us four, for two years. We did everything together in a fish bowl of sorts.

Well, on to other things before my non-Pohang girl readers start to puke. :-)

Movies I need to see soon:
Lost in Translation
Garden State
House of Flying Daggers (same director as Hero. I've got to see this movie! It looks like more eye-candy from this director. Unfortunately, it's not showing anywhere in SD yet. And they're showing stupid stuff like Blade or whatever that dumb movie's name is instead of this movie!)
Elf (I thought it would be dumb but I saw an advertisement and it looked hilarious! Am I right?)

Okay, breaking news: I'm SLIGHTLY considering going to Biola this January instead of starting that web-design program that I've been bemoaning this whole semester. (bemoaning because I didn't start it in September like I had originally planned) I need to really pray about this and there are a lot of things to consider. I put it out there because I REALLY REALLY need people to pray for me about that. There is a high probability that I'll just stay with the current plan of starting the web-design program in January but just wanted to let you know what I’m thinking about.

Oh and Happy B-day to you, you live in a zoo, you smell like kim-chi and you even spell your name that way, too! (haha, get it? Sandy Chi + Scott Kim= Sandy Kim-chi) Happy B-day! (her b-day's on the 11th, everyone. Just in case you were wondering)

Well, happy b-day, Joanne. Hope you received my e-card. It just seems like yesterday that we were celebrating our December b-days all together at Lilac. I remember it clearly. We had our White Russians and our ice cream cake from Baskin Robin's. Sandy was wearing that colorful funky hat. I was video taping and wearing my new Handong Global University sweatshirt that I had just received from Joanne (which coincidently I'm wearing right now). "Phillylo" was just a distant, impossible twinkle in Sandy's eyes. End of semester grading stress was in full swing but hey, that never stopped us from having a good time. Just shows you how much can change in a year. Amazing! Well, happy b-day to Sandy, Joanne and me-the December birthday three! (and Ro you're cool even though your b-day is in March)

You know, my only beef with Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind is that it isn't the comedy it claims to be. It is a fascinating, unique movie with spectacular acting but a comedy it definitely is not. In an interview with an actor the other day on NPR Terry Gross made the comment that there are actors that you watch and think, "There's an actor." and then there are actors that you watch and think, "There's a normal person. That could be a person at Starbucks or at my work." The latter was definitely the case with Kate Winslet in this move. She was so convincing. I had no idea that she was that great of an actress. Jim Carey was also pretty good.

The movie had an almost hypnotic, dream-like quality to it. A lot of the movie takes place in Jim Carey's mind, his memories to be more specific. But his memories seem to take on a mind of their own much like our dreams do. We are in control of our dreams supposedly but they seem to interact with us in strange ways. At one point Jim Carey is telling the doctor that he no longer wants his memories of his girlfriend removed but the doctor responds it's too late I'm a memory in your head that you're talking to. As Jim Carey relives his memories that are being removed the memories start to distort similarly to how our dreams sometimes become distorted. It was actually a bit disturbing at times but I still enjoyed the movie. However, it won't be a movie I'll watch over and over again.

Okay, I promised myself that I'd reflect on some of the academic stuff I'm currently reading instead of just talking about silly stuff like the links in my profile! :-) But alas, I've run out of time and my stomach is rumbling. But I really, really am going to try to hash out some of my ideas that reading The Lexus and the Olive Tree is provoking in my next entry. Ha, famous last words of this blogger but I really am going to try. :-)

Tonight in class I was treated with an elementary-school-style rudeness that I haven't experienced for quite a while. We were all assigned a scenario and roles to play. The scenario involved a complicated land dispute, which involved the interests of a church, a land development corporation, a small business, the local government and the local community. I just so happened to represent the church in my group (the role was assigned to me). Unfortunately, I was the only one representing my claim in my group and I had to face down the corporates and the government all by my lonesome.

Regrettably, they happened to be slightly rude, vindictive %#!&s and to top it off they happen to work in this field so they deal with these kinds of scenarios everyday. So they had an axe to grind. So yeah, they laughed arrogantly in my face several times. It was grand. I was actually taken off guard by this because before this point I had considered everyone in the program to be exceptionally thoughtful, kind citizens. Well, I definitely saw the RUDE side of three of my female classmates. But to be honest, I had always kept a distance from these three girls and now I know why my intuition had led me that way.

I don't take things like that well. I actually think in that respect I'm easy prey. Perhaps people with thicker skins could have laughed it off or thought of pithy answers but not me. I started to lose my temper. I don't do well in situations where people don't really listen but just attack and laugh.

So I came home steaming about it. I've decided I'm going to email each of them individually when I've lost my sarcasm and calmly tell them I didn't appreciate their @#!$$%^. Just kidding. But I am going to email them and tell them I didn't appreciate how they acted during the project. I actually feel that is the healthy alternative as opposed to us all feeling a little uncomfortable around each other from now on.

Okay, this is not going to be a real entry. Just a half-hearted "i'm here and alive" entry. Here I am. I was going to write a real entry but instead I got sucked into clicking on the links in my profile. (The right corner of my blog for those that are totally oblivious to those sorts of things. You know who you are, joanne.) Did you know that if you put in your fav movies and the other stuff on your profile that blogger actually creates a link to everyone else that listed the same as you? It's been really interesting to read about the different people who like the same books, music and movies as me.

If I click Matrix I tend to find intellectual sci-fi people but if I click Anne of Green Gables the people that share this link tend to be women under 25. It's like doing Social Science using movies or people's interests.

Let's call it "interest clustering". Try it. Often people that like the same movies have a lot more in common than just movies according to Joyce Thompson's "Interest Clustering" study.

What really trips me out is when I click on a person who likes the same movie as me and they’ve listed the same movies and music as me. Then I'm like, "Hey, only I'm allowed to have that great of taste! Stop copying me!"

If you don’t know what I’m talking about then you need to get with the (blog) program!

Happy Thanksgiving to all!

It doesn't seem real but I'm flying out to Baltimore tomorrow morning. I'll be staying with Sandy and Scott in Baltimore. Then later I'll be in NY seeing the sights and meeting up with new and old friends. Lucky me! I also got a round trip ticket for $233.41! So I can't stop bragging about that!

Hopefully, sometime soon I'll make time to reflect on the family Thanksgiving meal with its joys but also its frustrating post-election political discussions.
:-0

i can't believe this. i'm typing with only my right hand as we speak. why? I was peacefully chopping up veggies to make some vegetable juice when the plump carrot that i was about to hack into rolled over and instead I chopped into my left index finger.

oh yes. My first thought was, "Ahhhhhhhhh!" My second thought was, "oh crap, that is too deep. Ahh, i don't want any shots!" (i have a deep aversion to shots) I ran out to my grams and unc with a reddening napkin around my finger. At first I thought i might have to go to the emergency room but Dr. uncle and grams helped me wrap it with band-aids. It stopped bleeding and we decided that would be okay with a couple band-aids and disinfectant.

But the last half an hour I’ve been walking around my house with my left index finger in the air like I have a great idea or something. (It starts to pulse if I don't hold it up and it's gross feeling not to mention probably not healthy.) After our little emergency died down my grams looked at me walking around the house with my finger in the air and said, "All you need now is a light bulb above your head." Haha, very funny.

Suddenly something as simple as putting my hair in a bun has become a task. This is going to be interesting. Hopefully it will heal quickly.

Ironically, out of nowhere i've also started sneezing in combination with the sniffles. Look now, i'm starting to sound like a certain hypochondriac prof. at Handong. (hehe pohang girls know what i'm talking about)

Growing up is a weird thing. I just came back from my mentor's 50th birthday party. She and her family were a major part of the wallpaper of my teenage years. Those were tender, vulnerable years. I was awakening from the deep slumber of a shaky, unstable childhood. Yes, trying to find my way. Would I survive the perils of teenagehood without a lot of parental guidance? Thank God, I did. I've turned out pretty well if I do say so myself. :-)

My mentor had a lot to do with that, so perhaps that's part of the strain I feel when I hang out with her family and the people that filled that time in my life. Maybe when a butterfly immerges from a cocoon it doesn't want to remember that it used to be a fat, vulnerable caterpillar.

Most of the people there were part of the legacy of the OB years. I remember that humble beach house packed with visitors and teenagers on that extremely wide street. I used to just go over there randomly and grab the key off the nail in the community laundry room. I would let myself in sometimes in the wee hours of the morning, wake up my mentor to talk about life and my worries.

At the party I was talking with a girl from those years. She's now in her 20's but I remember when she was half my size. She and her mom lived down the street from the OB house. She was deathly quiet back then. I could tell that she was much more outgoing now but that it was easy to sink back into "quiet Tracy mode" when she was around this crowd. I could relate to her. That's the weird thing about growing up. Even though my mentor's son is now a foot taller than me it's hard for me to not see him as the 5 year old that kicked me from under the kitchen table.

And perhaps some people at that party looked at me in a similar way. Yes, as I looked around that room I felt the tugs of my ill-fitting past. It’s that residual memory that makes the growing up process weird. Being reminded of who you are in a historical, cumulative sense when you see yourself through the eyes of others and then comparing that with what you see when you look in the mirror.

They say a picture is worth a thousand words. So I figure, "hey, let the pics do the talking." This is a picture tour of my last two weeks. In a couple days I'll write and fill in the gaps.

:-)

The Morning After
I can't believe George Bush won! A relief when it comes to some domestic issues but a nightmare for foreign policy!

Ro's coming in tomorrow to visit me! And then Sandy's wedding is this coming weekend! Amazing-the time has finally come....

Just trying some stuff out with photoshop...

I just made this in my Phototshop class. So I just wanted to see how it looked on the internet and if I could even figure out how to get it up on the internet. It's going to be fun to experiment with this...

Okay, back to class...

God is not a Republican or Democrat!!!

Can I get an AMEN to that!

WORD up!!!! Sojourners magazine!

I'm writing an outline for a project this morning and I just so happened to glance at these paintings by Rene Magritte as I was going through different documents in my computer. Suddenly, the upper one spoke to me more clearly. Before I was just intrigued by it but my brain didn't really unlock anything when I looked at. But this morning I thought "sometimes we make a door where really everything is open to us."

I was so tired today that I went to bed at 8pm but then once I got in bed I couldn't sleep. I know you think that's normal but I can usually sleep any time I want to. So this is a bit weird for me. I'm getting a sore throat, so I want to fight it off. But no-suddenly I just can't sleep. Lame.

So I thought I'd try to blog but I'm not sure I'm going to be able to get into that either cuz what I really want to do is sleep.

I've gone through this weird cycle this week. Sunday and Monday I started seriously thinking I was going to move out my grandma's house. I ended up calling a Christian gal that was going to have a room open in November. We talked and she sounded cool.

Then my mind started to roll through all the implications. If I moved out I would be paying $600 a month in rent/utilities, so I'd have to get a job that could at least make that. Then I could possibly pay the rest of my expenses with my savings. But what about my grandma and uncle...will I get a chance to get over there to cook and clean enough? What job should I get? I started planning my plan A, B and Cs around my priorities here in SD: hanging out and helping out my sis and her fam, preparing my grams and unc to move into a more dependant life style, working on the two certificates I'm getting (or going to get) in Community Economic Development and web design.

I went back and forth between "I'm too old to be staying with my grams, it's going to make me crazy/depressed" to "but they need the help right now and it will save you a lot of money because you don't want to work full time because you're doing these programs” I went to visit my possible roommates' house and eventually came back to the same conclusion. So I went through 3 days of what about this and what about that and tons of calling and thinking when I should have been doing other things. And I came back to square one (staying at my gram's house) even more convinced that it was the right thing to do. Which I guess that often happens when a person is having that "decision crisis". However, it does make me think why didn't I just save myself a lot of time/stress and not go through that mental exercise.

One benefit of that mental exercise is that I came up with an idea for something that has been eating away at my brain. My grandma is 84 and is getting so that she doesn't walk too steadily. My unc has Parkinson's disease, which will continue to get worse. They are getting more and more dependent even though they're fighting it.

I'm most likely just staying here for a year, what about when I leave? Who's going to watch after them? My sis comes over once a week to do yard work but she has a family to take care of. And I think my grams and unc need someone to stay with them. So I thought of this great idea. I got the idea when I was looking at the roommate classifieds on The Rock church website. I could possibly set something up after I leave where some responsible, young Christian girl rents out my room for a cheap price/no cost in exchange for cleaning and perhaps driving duties.

I think this idea could really work. However, I realized that to make it more likely to work I needed to make the house more comfortable. My grams has super bad fashion sense and sometimes I think questionable common sense. And combined with her old age the house is a bit...cluttery. I don't know quite how to explain it. Just the earmarks of my grandmother's house keeping style. Like random things sitting in the same place forever or jerry-rigging weird things to hold the cat food or keeping chairs that are forty years old and then hanging a 20 year old rug on the back of those chairs to top it off or her color-blind choice of white linoleum through out the entire house (yes, she had the carpet torn out and she replaced it with white linoleum a couple years ago. Of course, I was away at college or I would have talked her out of it. And yes, she really is colorblind. She's become so in her old age.)

I'm so used to her being this way that it's just occurred to me in these last couple months that I need to take the initiative and fix the things the way I think they should be. I used to be more like the child that subconsciously thought, "what place do I have to arrange her house". But now I realize she would like it and it's the right thing to do. So I decided I should put my money and time into making the house more comfortable instead of putting that money and time into rent at someone else's house. So my newest project is making a plan for the decor of the living room and family room. It's actually fun. I don't think I'll start until Christmas break when all my classes are over but grams and I still went to Ikea today to get ideas for couches.

Well, that's one of many things on my mind lately. Another big thing on my mind and a BIG cause of stress is my stupid part-time job. That whole situation is a big confusing mystery to me. As my faithful readers know I really felt God led me to that job but as far as my understanding goes it's been mostly a mistake. Especially because it made me delay my entrance into the web-design program I'm going into. Now I'm starting the program Jan 3oth instead of Sept., which seems like to me the worst mistake possible!! Because the January program won't end until October. Which is terrible for me because I'm planning on going to grad-school in Sept. Which means I will miss 2 months of the program. And it doesn't end there. The two months I will miss are perhaps the most important for me because that's when I'll learn to combine all the skills I've been learning into websites. Which is what I most want to learn about!!!

So this really makes me wonder did I hear God wrong? What happened? There isn't a day that goes by that I don't grumble with regret to myself about choosing to delay the program. I suppose that I've gotten better about letting it go. Because it's done-right? There's nothing I can do now.

There's more I could say about this but I'm going to give sleeping another try. :-)

Wow, this kind of silly "picture movie" just spoke to me a lot. Especially because my time here in SD has been riddled with disappointment and confusion.

The words are in Korean but the pics speak loudly enough that you don't need words. The bummer is it's kind of small but if you click on it you should be able to see it better. (When you double click on the pic to the left of the picture you will see "all sizes" click on that and change it to "large" then you'll really be able to see it.)

Blah, blah, blah.....

That's how I feel.

Man, wasn't able to make my blogging time tonight. Bummer. I guess I'll have to wait until Tuesday or Friday to tell you what I really want to write.

Made burritos for the grams and unc crew tonight. Once again forgot that their tolerance for spice is nil compared to me. whoops.

Did some pleasure reading in my "intro to political science" textbook. It really is pleasure reading for me. Which is saying a lot in my case because usually fiction is the only pleasure reading for me.

And finally got kind of caught up on some email and now I'm hitting the sack. But just thought I'd let you know before I go to bed that http://www.opendemocracy.net/ is just the best online webzine in the world. The article on Iraq from the perspective of a foreign born Iraqi was very interesting.

well, good night...