I wanted to write this on Joanne's blog but since she has a super wacko template that she hasn't bothered to fix I'll write it here.
When I was taking a nap today I had this dream that I walked on a plane and then just walked through a door into Joanne's office at Handong. Apparently, she had come back to Handong to work part time while she worked on her dissertation. I walked in her office with my black visor, so at first she didn't recognize me. Then we started jumping around in glee because she was so surprised that I had come to visit her in Korea. Later she told me how life was such a drag because she felt she wasn't getting enough done on her dissertation or something like that. She seemed stressed.
Then I started telling her how it was so weird that I was there in the room because it seemed like I had gotten there in an instance. Then I said, "I know how I'm here. I'm dreaming but we shouldn't talk about it too much or I'll start to wake up." So just then everything around us started to fade away but as it did I was praying for Joanne. Then I was really woken up by my friend Jeannie's voice on my answer machine.
Weird-huh? I woke thinking, "Wow, that's first time I remember being so aware that I was dreaming."
I know what you're saying, Joanne, about the whole hamster thing. You'll get through it. Your semester is almost over. I often feel that way. Probably doesn't help that I have big fat furry cheeks already...
Tuesday, September 28, 2004
Wednesday, September 22, 2004
When I wrote the last entry I was really stressed out. I wrote that entry and had a good cry. And it was amazing when I got up the next morning I felt so much better. Everything that seemed so impossible (mostly my part-time job) took on a new light. After I got up in the morning I put the entry on hold because I felt maybe I had disclosed too much. But now I've put it back up because I just don't care if people misunderstand me. It's like what I always tell Alison when she's amazed how honest I am-most of the time the only people that bother to read my blog on a consistent basis are either good friends or bloggy kinds of people. And most of them are the former so I would most likely tell them everything I wrote here anyway.
It is mostly my job that has been the cause of all my distress. It's only a part-time job but for some reason it was really stressing me out (I'm better now). One reason being it is one GAINT logistical nightmare. Then combine that with a high stress, blunt New Yorker for a boss and there you have a recipe for success. It has also nagged me that I gave up starting the Interactive Media Certificate program because of schedule conflicts with this job. That program is one of the main reasons I even came back to SD! I'll now be starting it hopefully in January. However, it might turn out to be for the best because this way I've had a chance to take classes in International Affairs and get ahead in my Photoshop and Illustrator skills.
I feel slightly pathetic moaning and groaning about my job situation when I think of the people I know in the developing world and other fellow bloggers that have way more stressful work situations. But what can I say? It's just the way I feel.
It is mostly my job that has been the cause of all my distress. It's only a part-time job but for some reason it was really stressing me out (I'm better now). One reason being it is one GAINT logistical nightmare. Then combine that with a high stress, blunt New Yorker for a boss and there you have a recipe for success. It has also nagged me that I gave up starting the Interactive Media Certificate program because of schedule conflicts with this job. That program is one of the main reasons I even came back to SD! I'll now be starting it hopefully in January. However, it might turn out to be for the best because this way I've had a chance to take classes in International Affairs and get ahead in my Photoshop and Illustrator skills.
I feel slightly pathetic moaning and groaning about my job situation when I think of the people I know in the developing world and other fellow bloggers that have way more stressful work situations. But what can I say? It's just the way I feel.
Monday, September 20, 2004
I have my peppermint tea. I've arranged my mood lighting. I'm playing supposedly relaxing music while a police siren sings on a street near by. I finally have a chance to try to pry some of this burden off my back.
I was walking around Chollas Lake yesterday. The atmosphere was just what I like-a crisp, autumn wind whirling around me, golden shadows on the trees, the sunset's reflection on the water. Unfortunately, my inner world did not reflect this tranquil setting and it still doesn't. Stress and anxiousness are burning in me, looking for a way to exit. I feel caged in my own life. I'm squirming to find a way out of circumstances that are like old wrappers around my life. "Sometimes I'm crushed by my own dreams, sometimes I build my tower so high..." I scribbled in my journal as I stared out at the lake.
Every morning I wake up and my mantra is the same, "I hate my job. I want out." Lately, my mantra has expanded to more: I'm tired of the same old burdens, feeling trapped in San Diego, trapped in this house that I grew up in, feeling trapped with the ghosts of my past, trapped in circumstances that I thought that God led me into. I'm so tired of my same old weaknesses, my same old failures! Why did You make me with such deficit? Why have You set me up to fail?
I've begun to blame God. It's time, God. Haven't I lived with this enough? I've followed You; I've chosen a harder road. And yet you've kept me a child, a dependant child trapped in the past. It's your fault! I can't move on with out You doing it! I should be getting married. I should be getting involved with a missions team. But no-I'm back here at ground zero! Back where I began with nothing to show! But no-my life is stunted while I watch everyone growing up around me.
I was having these kind of thoughts when I turned to Ps. 22,
My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?
Why are you so far from saving me, so far from the words of my groaning?
O my God, I cry out by day, but you do not answer.
Yet you are enthroned as the Holy One; you are the praise of Israel.
In you our fathers put their trust; they trusted and you delivered them.
They cried out to you and were saved;
in you they trusted and they were not disappointed.
I'm trying to trust but I feel faith is draining out of my body. I've been holding onto You for such a long time and I'm losing grip on that rope. I asked for one thing and You've left me a fool. That hurts.
"in You they trusted and they were not disappointed..."
help me
I was walking around Chollas Lake yesterday. The atmosphere was just what I like-a crisp, autumn wind whirling around me, golden shadows on the trees, the sunset's reflection on the water. Unfortunately, my inner world did not reflect this tranquil setting and it still doesn't. Stress and anxiousness are burning in me, looking for a way to exit. I feel caged in my own life. I'm squirming to find a way out of circumstances that are like old wrappers around my life. "Sometimes I'm crushed by my own dreams, sometimes I build my tower so high..." I scribbled in my journal as I stared out at the lake.
Every morning I wake up and my mantra is the same, "I hate my job. I want out." Lately, my mantra has expanded to more: I'm tired of the same old burdens, feeling trapped in San Diego, trapped in this house that I grew up in, feeling trapped with the ghosts of my past, trapped in circumstances that I thought that God led me into. I'm so tired of my same old weaknesses, my same old failures! Why did You make me with such deficit? Why have You set me up to fail?
I've begun to blame God. It's time, God. Haven't I lived with this enough? I've followed You; I've chosen a harder road. And yet you've kept me a child, a dependant child trapped in the past. It's your fault! I can't move on with out You doing it! I should be getting married. I should be getting involved with a missions team. But no-I'm back here at ground zero! Back where I began with nothing to show! But no-my life is stunted while I watch everyone growing up around me.
I was having these kind of thoughts when I turned to Ps. 22,
My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?
Why are you so far from saving me, so far from the words of my groaning?
O my God, I cry out by day, but you do not answer.
Yet you are enthroned as the Holy One; you are the praise of Israel.
In you our fathers put their trust; they trusted and you delivered them.
They cried out to you and were saved;
in you they trusted and they were not disappointed.
I'm trying to trust but I feel faith is draining out of my body. I've been holding onto You for such a long time and I'm losing grip on that rope. I asked for one thing and You've left me a fool. That hurts.
"in You they trusted and they were not disappointed..."
help me
Thursday, September 16, 2004
want to understand a little more about the big deal with WTO and world trade...
www.maketradefair.com
interesting...
I hope to learn a lot more about these issues this year...
www.maketradefair.com
interesting...
I hope to learn a lot more about these issues this year...
Monday, September 13, 2004
Oh darn. There is so much I want to say but I've run out of time. It's too late tonight for me to really delve into the trenches of what's going in my heart. I really need to pray before I go to sleep. I haven't been able to pray this last week as much as I want. Last week was really busy. The phrase "hit the ground running" comes to mind when I think of me calmly, naively coming out of my labor day weekend not realizing what was about to hit me. "Hit the ground running" is what I needed to do. I didn't. Therefore-I got worked.
Here's a corny semi-poetic rendition of some of the things I've been thinking about:
animation girl in my poli-sci class
she looks so surreal
i can teach this class better than this grad student
should i go into international development?
it would be cool to teach it to people in developing nations
learning this stuff is like receiving water after a long, long walk
whoa, everybody in this development program is dedicated to social change
how does faith relate to economic development, social change?
hungry to dive into the huge pool of web-design
so much to learn, so far to go until I can use it for what I want
lonely, anxious, hopeful
love life a forever, eternal evading shadow
trusting in, complaining to
my Father
Here's a corny semi-poetic rendition of some of the things I've been thinking about:
animation girl in my poli-sci class
she looks so surreal
i can teach this class better than this grad student
should i go into international development?
it would be cool to teach it to people in developing nations
learning this stuff is like receiving water after a long, long walk
whoa, everybody in this development program is dedicated to social change
how does faith relate to economic development, social change?
hungry to dive into the huge pool of web-design
so much to learn, so far to go until I can use it for what I want
lonely, anxious, hopeful
love life a forever, eternal evading shadow
trusting in, complaining to
my Father
Wednesday, September 08, 2004
I've suddenly gone from wasting my life away boredom to dizzying business. I guess that's what happens when school starts. I'm going to be taking Intro to Political Science and International Contemporary Politics. Everything about these classes is very interesting to me so far. I'll take what I can get at this point. Even though they're community college classes, I'll still be exposed to the vocabulary/ buzzwords and be given a structured reading schedule.
I wasn't planning on taking these classes but as I was looking at the over-priced Spanish textbooks I wandered over to the Sociology and Political Science area. The reading material intrigued me so I decided to just see if I could "crash" the classes. Well, now I'm in. The Political Science class is taught by a young gum chewing grad-student. It was amusing for me being as I just finished teaching at the university level myself. I think there is something unique about teaching people close to your age.
Here's a reading assignment that I have to write a response to for my International Politics class eventually. For each approach we have to read several articles on the subject. (Pohang girls, you know this is scratching where I've been itching. I think we've had discussions about these very issues.)
Terrorism
What should we do now?
Approach 1: We must use every means at our disposal and every necessary weapon of war to defeat the global terror network.
Approach 2: We have to take decisive measures to bolster domestic security, and put into place precautions against dangerous predators.
Approach 3: For our own protection, we must address their grievances and expand efforts to reduce the hatred that fuels terrorism.
Can you guess which approach I agree with most? hehe...for some people this is a no brainer.
Well, I've got to run off to bed because I'm getting up early tomorrow to make it to my 7:30 (!) Photoshop class.
I wasn't planning on taking these classes but as I was looking at the over-priced Spanish textbooks I wandered over to the Sociology and Political Science area. The reading material intrigued me so I decided to just see if I could "crash" the classes. Well, now I'm in. The Political Science class is taught by a young gum chewing grad-student. It was amusing for me being as I just finished teaching at the university level myself. I think there is something unique about teaching people close to your age.
Here's a reading assignment that I have to write a response to for my International Politics class eventually. For each approach we have to read several articles on the subject. (Pohang girls, you know this is scratching where I've been itching. I think we've had discussions about these very issues.)
Terrorism
What should we do now?
Approach 1: We must use every means at our disposal and every necessary weapon of war to defeat the global terror network.
Approach 2: We have to take decisive measures to bolster domestic security, and put into place precautions against dangerous predators.
Approach 3: For our own protection, we must address their grievances and expand efforts to reduce the hatred that fuels terrorism.
Can you guess which approach I agree with most? hehe...for some people this is a no brainer.
Well, I've got to run off to bed because I'm getting up early tomorrow to make it to my 7:30 (!) Photoshop class.
Saturday, September 04, 2004
Thursday, September 02, 2004
Friday, August 27, 2004
Update: I am now going to Portland. My sister wanted to go on a trip to Colorado originally because her and Andre would like to move out to Colorado Springs eventually. However, she eventually deemed it too stressful driving with her kids. So I've decided I'm driving up to Portland to see my old college crew. So that'll be cool because I haven't seen those people for a couple years. But pray for me as I drive up there because even though I'm an immpecible driver (uhem! no comments from my critics) that has driven this route a million times it's still a long drive.
I'm posting a poem I wrote as I left Tokyo airport. I looked back at the sunset, at that disappearing piece of Asia and I knew a time in my life was over. The sunset and the clouds were so amazing as I watched Asia get smaller and smaller. I wanted to hold on but I knew as the sun set so this time in Asia set for the last time.
Even as I typed up this poem today I could feel the pressure of the love and the loss of that time bearing down on my chest. I don't often interpret my poems but I will say that this one in its own abstract way is a good-bye poem, a loving hug to a dear friend that I won't see again-at least not in the same form.
Good-bye Korea
swimming in my metal swim suit
above an ocean of clouds
the sun sets behind me and I fly on
if I jumped out I know I would float
on that soft, cottony terrain
my own surreal planet of gliding gray-white cotton
I'd adventure out to that fading orange horizon
on the borders of my white planet
I'd stay there where gray and orange meet at a perfect perpendicular angel
and I'd sit on the edge of that cloud with my feet dangling over the edge
I'd stay there eating the orange lolly-pops of the sunset
transfixed by my memories stuck in the Asian sunset
I'm posting a poem I wrote as I left Tokyo airport. I looked back at the sunset, at that disappearing piece of Asia and I knew a time in my life was over. The sunset and the clouds were so amazing as I watched Asia get smaller and smaller. I wanted to hold on but I knew as the sun set so this time in Asia set for the last time.
Even as I typed up this poem today I could feel the pressure of the love and the loss of that time bearing down on my chest. I don't often interpret my poems but I will say that this one in its own abstract way is a good-bye poem, a loving hug to a dear friend that I won't see again-at least not in the same form.
Good-bye Korea
swimming in my metal swim suit
above an ocean of clouds
the sun sets behind me and I fly on
if I jumped out I know I would float
on that soft, cottony terrain
my own surreal planet of gliding gray-white cotton
I'd adventure out to that fading orange horizon
on the borders of my white planet
I'd stay there where gray and orange meet at a perfect perpendicular angel
and I'd sit on the edge of that cloud with my feet dangling over the edge
I'd stay there eating the orange lolly-pops of the sunset
transfixed by my memories stuck in the Asian sunset
Thursday, August 26, 2004
I was going to write a bit and post a poem I wrote as my plane ascended into the sky from Tokyo. But alas I started researching digital cameras and now it's gotten too late. I've been wanting to buy a digital camera for a while. I have my camcorder, which I love but I also want a slim camera to stick in my purse so I can pull it out at any opportune moment. On the way back to America there were quite a few times I wished I had that slim camera readily available in my purse. However, now I'm particularly motivated to buy a digital camera because my sister and I are going on a last minute road trip to Colorado. So I definitely don't want to be saying the whole time, "I wish I had that digital camera." There are just so many options out there! I want something that's cheap, has excellent photo quality and is really small. hmmm...
As some of you know I'm going to be studying web-design and interactive media this year. They say when you're going to be building web sites you should get a sense for what you like. Well, I began to look around for site design I liked. For a while I thought I didn't like the design of many sites. But here are some sites that I like (some more than others) and I hope at the end of this year I can design some sites almost as good as these. :-)
http://www.alexthegirl.com
http://feistyscribe.com
http://today.maganda.org/index.html
http://www.miss.maganda.org/design/index.html
http://www.myjanee.com/
There's so much I'd like to say but I'm going to bed.
I'll leave you with these lyrics written by Alanis Morissette. As usual her thoughts really resonate with me.
you see everything
you see every part
you see all my light
and you love my dark
you can listen here
Tomorrow my friend...
As some of you know I'm going to be studying web-design and interactive media this year. They say when you're going to be building web sites you should get a sense for what you like. Well, I began to look around for site design I liked. For a while I thought I didn't like the design of many sites. But here are some sites that I like (some more than others) and I hope at the end of this year I can design some sites almost as good as these. :-)
http://www.alexthegirl.com
http://feistyscribe.com
http://today.maganda.org/index.html
http://www.miss.maganda.org/design/index.html
http://www.myjanee.com/
There's so much I'd like to say but I'm going to bed.
I'll leave you with these lyrics written by Alanis Morissette. As usual her thoughts really resonate with me.
you see everything
you see every part
you see all my light
and you love my dark
you can listen here
Tomorrow my friend...
Thursday, August 12, 2004
It's funny. People have not been commenting on my blog lately but in the past two weeks I think I've gotten 4 emails or calls specifically about things I spoke about on my blog. Ironic. Anyway, I just wanted to let you guys know that you don't have to feel "exposed" if you write a comment. Granted it's not unusual to feel a bit weird about saying something in front of an unknown online audience. Just remember that almost everyone that reads this blog is a close friend and thus you have all have a lot in common. Was that a patronizing thing to say? :-/
Anyway, whatever you do is just peachy with me and you're probably being even more considerate by writing me a nice thoughtful email but sometimes the online audience does miss out. For example, Joanne emailed and said something to the effect that I looked like Ronald McDonald meets Bruce Lee in that pic a couple entries ago. hehehaha I got quite a laugh out of that. But it's even more funny when you know ole' kim-chee breath's sense of humor (Joanne).
But speaking of comments I have a request of those that know me well. I'm filling out this survey and from the words below it asks which four adjectives would your friends choose that best describe you if they had to choose only four. This is an interesting question, of course, because my friends might give a different answer than I would if the question was directed to me. I've written what I think are the top 7 but I haven't entered them yet. Could you make a suggestion? One bummer is that Ro doesn't have internet access right now and Alison's going on a trip. So those are two very close friends that can't vote. Well, anyway whoever you are just give it a shot.
Good listener
Respectful
Affectionate
Caring
Spontaneous
Physically Fit
Warm
Outgoing
Optimistic
Dependable
Romantic
Creative
Loyal
Spiritual
Kind
Ambitious
Articulate
Rational
Easy-Going
Generous
Happy
Quiet
Genuine
Intelligent
Hard Working
Thoughtful
Sweet
Passionate
Energetic
Funny
Perceptive
Modest
I know some words on this list that are definately not me. :-) I'll post them in my next entry. Ho-humm, that's going to be pathetic. That's perhaps a good way to figure out what adjustives do describe me by listing the ones that absolutely don't describe me. hmmm
Here are some words I wish were on the list.
goofy
adventurous
gorgeous hehe
(my new boss says this word all the time with her New York accent. I'm both amused and obsessed by this. note: One of my secret idiosyncrasies is that I have this parrot complex where I softly repeat words to myself that happen to be tasty to me. This is especially the case with second language vocabulary. Ask Sandy...I was the parrot of our office)
Anyway, whatever you do is just peachy with me and you're probably being even more considerate by writing me a nice thoughtful email but sometimes the online audience does miss out. For example, Joanne emailed and said something to the effect that I looked like Ronald McDonald meets Bruce Lee in that pic a couple entries ago. hehehaha I got quite a laugh out of that. But it's even more funny when you know ole' kim-chee breath's sense of humor (Joanne).
But speaking of comments I have a request of those that know me well. I'm filling out this survey and from the words below it asks which four adjectives would your friends choose that best describe you if they had to choose only four. This is an interesting question, of course, because my friends might give a different answer than I would if the question was directed to me. I've written what I think are the top 7 but I haven't entered them yet. Could you make a suggestion? One bummer is that Ro doesn't have internet access right now and Alison's going on a trip. So those are two very close friends that can't vote. Well, anyway whoever you are just give it a shot.
Good listener
Respectful
Affectionate
Caring
Spontaneous
Physically Fit
Warm
Outgoing
Optimistic
Dependable
Romantic
Creative
Loyal
Spiritual
Kind
Ambitious
Articulate
Rational
Easy-Going
Generous
Happy
Quiet
Genuine
Intelligent
Hard Working
Thoughtful
Sweet
Passionate
Energetic
Funny
Perceptive
Modest
I know some words on this list that are definately not me. :-) I'll post them in my next entry. Ho-humm, that's going to be pathetic. That's perhaps a good way to figure out what adjustives do describe me by listing the ones that absolutely don't describe me. hmmm
Here are some words I wish were on the list.
goofy
adventurous
gorgeous hehe
(my new boss says this word all the time with her New York accent. I'm both amused and obsessed by this. note: One of my secret idiosyncrasies is that I have this parrot complex where I softly repeat words to myself that happen to be tasty to me. This is especially the case with second language vocabulary. Ask Sandy...I was the parrot of our office)
Monday, August 09, 2004
ladytime
"Time"
I've always loved this pic. It speaks volumes to me. A young preoccupied girl busily walks one way and as if through a rotating door here comes an elderly woman bent over with years of burdens.
Sunday, August 08, 2004
Polar Bear
(me, Mr. bear and Jewl at Seaworld)
Here's something I wrote on my "ministry page" today. I didn't want to write it twice so I copied to this page for those of you that read both pages.
I've been in San Diego for almost a month now. There have been many times that I have talked with God in desperation and frustration about why he brought me back to this city. Even Jesus felt like a person's hometown is often the hardest place to come back to. Even he had to deal with people that still saw him as the child they remembered instead of the prophet he had become. It's tough to deal with people expectations sometimes-ya know?
Even though I've had my share of crying over old wounds and old memories, for the most part I'm standing in amazement over the new steadfastness I now have in him. Where I used to live in fear in my grandmother's house in the ghetto, the area doesn't even seem scary to me anymore.
I see everything with new eyes now. One thing that really helped me see things differently was reading a book called Chasing the Dragon on the airplane over here. It's about a woman who lived in the infamous walled-city in Hong Kong in the 1960's. Her heart for ex-rapists, drug-dealers and gangsters really influenced me. In the past I despised these kinds of people in my neighborhood because I felt they were a constant threat to my family. But now I see it differently, I truly know my life is in God's hand.
God really confirmed to me that he's guiding me a couple days ago. I've been looking for a part time job to make some extra money while I get a certificate in web-design. The hours for my schooling are really weird: 12:30-5:30. So I thought the best chance for employment would be my old job teaching English to rich foreign students in La Jolla.
I got a call from them last Sunday night. They left a message on my answering machine, "If you want to teach a class, come in at 8am Monday morning." So I got up at 6:30am the next morning to go to meet the manager of the school at 8 o'clock. But ever since I had gone to the La Jolla Center to inquire about the job, I had been having a bad feeling about accepting the job. However, I kept brushing it away. I thought, “What's the big deal? It's just a part time job." But when I got up that Monday morning I had a bad feeling about it. So before I got in the shower I got on my knees and prayed that God would help me to listen to him. So I made a deal with God that as I was driving to La Jolla (a 45 minute drive) I would pray about if God wanted me to take this job.
I couldn't believe it but the feeling that "this is wrong" kept persisting. So as I got out of my car I was trying to make deals with God. "How about I'll work today but I won't take anymore classes after this one?" I walked laboriously to the center located in one of San Diego's most prestigious areas. As I walked towards the building I felt God said strongly, "turn back" surprised I replied, "Are you serious?" I couldn't believe that I was struggling with this so much. I was thinking I was so silly and that I was just making this up. However, I couldn't shake off the feeling that this job was not what God wanted for me. So I stood in agony in front of the English center praying. Finally, I turned back and didn't enter the building. On one hand I couldn't believe that I had just driven out to La Jolla for nothing and on the other hand I was relieved and proud of myself.
So I had to go back and face my grandparents. I had to tell them weakly that I didn't feel right about it but I didn't know why. That night I jogged around Chollas Lake and then prayed about my job situation anxiously until they closed the park. There was an urgency in my voice. "God, I need to hear you on this! Whatever you want I'll do it!"
Then it happened. I met Linda for an interview the next day for the Community Economic Development Certificate. The interview was coming to a close when we started talking about the non-profit organization she's the director of. The organization works with inner city youth through mentoring and after-school programs. She started telling me some of the struggles of the program and I made some suggestions from my ESL background. Long story short-we eventually realized we were both Christians and the more we talked about the program the more it became apparent that I would be an ideal candidate for the program director position she was trying to fill.
So after the interview I went to a meeting with her and the former program directors. The more I heard about the program the more I knew it was the job I was looking for. This was a job that I could be challenged in and grow in instead of going back to a predictable job in La Jolla. As I left the meeting I cried in my car and thanked God for his guidance in my life.
I'm excited about the possibilities of working with this organization. This situation has made me realize that I shouldn’t take the burdens God has placed in my heart for granted. There have been many secret ideas and burdens I've had in my heart for my "inner city" area that I'll now have a chance to try out.
So please pray for me as I enter this new phase of my life. The organization is called UPLIFT which stands for “urban people living in faith and trust”. And we’re also looking for someone to work 12 hours a week as a Spanish/English translator and mentor. If you know of anybody in San Diego please contact me otherwise could you pray that we’d find this person. Thanks!
Monday, August 02, 2004
I printed the first 6 poems on my poetry page (not including the poems I posted this August) for my grams to read. I asked her later if the poems "seemed like me". She was looking quietly out the window as she often does when she is lost in some story from her long history. She answered immediately a curt, "no". I was surprised because my grams doesn't usually tell the truth directly and often she doesn't tell the truth at all. She followed, "You don't seem lost to me." Shocked at her unusual show of insight I caught my breath. "Did my poems seem like that to you?" I asked her. We went on to talk about how poems are a release, a way to get negative and positive emotions flushed out.
But this conversation caused me to realize again how my grams doesn't understand how much pain I've actually overcome. She's also a professional passive-aggressive, emotion-ignoring enabler that doesn't know how to see life in full-color. No, it's one-dimensional black and white for her. She's redefined reality for a long time now and perhaps she always has. She's rewritten our family history for years. Ignoring the disease that has left the majority of our family in tatters. "I don't know what happened to Terry (my dad)!" Her convenient memory has forgotten that my kid-sized dad once asked my grams, "Does dad still live here?" because my gramps worked so much.
Her sudden words about being lost have stayed with me. How could she have felt that way when I said nothing about being lost in my poems and she didn't even see my really sad poems? Yes, that statement knocked the air out of me because I know that's what I am. And somehow she saw it through my art. I've seen it too reflecting back at me from the accumulation of my writing. There are themes in all of us and if you write enough you begin to see them woven through out your writing.
There was another person who blurted out a similar strange kind of prophecy. Years ago I was wandering around Union Square in San Francisco looking at the art on display and chatting with the artists. I don't remember everything. I just remember this photographer looking at me and appraising me with an artist's eye, "hmm...You look happy, but there's sadness in your eyes....like a child....a lost child." I just stood there. I can see myself clearly in my mind's eye: my short, chin-length hair, my dark blue hooded sweatshirt, my child-like eyes looking at the piercing, eccentric eyes of my prophet. What is he talking about....and yet I knew.
But this conversation caused me to realize again how my grams doesn't understand how much pain I've actually overcome. She's also a professional passive-aggressive, emotion-ignoring enabler that doesn't know how to see life in full-color. No, it's one-dimensional black and white for her. She's redefined reality for a long time now and perhaps she always has. She's rewritten our family history for years. Ignoring the disease that has left the majority of our family in tatters. "I don't know what happened to Terry (my dad)!" Her convenient memory has forgotten that my kid-sized dad once asked my grams, "Does dad still live here?" because my gramps worked so much.
Her sudden words about being lost have stayed with me. How could she have felt that way when I said nothing about being lost in my poems and she didn't even see my really sad poems? Yes, that statement knocked the air out of me because I know that's what I am. And somehow she saw it through my art. I've seen it too reflecting back at me from the accumulation of my writing. There are themes in all of us and if you write enough you begin to see them woven through out your writing.
There was another person who blurted out a similar strange kind of prophecy. Years ago I was wandering around Union Square in San Francisco looking at the art on display and chatting with the artists. I don't remember everything. I just remember this photographer looking at me and appraising me with an artist's eye, "hmm...You look happy, but there's sadness in your eyes....like a child....a lost child." I just stood there. I can see myself clearly in my mind's eye: my short, chin-length hair, my dark blue hooded sweatshirt, my child-like eyes looking at the piercing, eccentric eyes of my prophet. What is he talking about....and yet I knew.
Sunday, August 01, 2004
Originally uploaded by joyceat123.
"Joyce Lee"
I'm supposed to get up to an intermediate level in Photoshop by the time my cert. course starts in September. This is my first ever attempt at doing anything by myself. As you can see this tool is going to be dangerous in my hands. But first I need to get good at it then I'm going to have some fun...
Bruce Lee would be proud...
Sunday, July 25, 2004
I have that tired, achey feeling that you have after you've had a good long cry. My head is aching and my eyes are puffy water balls. I had a hard talk with my sister today after I made lunch for her and her kids at my grams house.
As she was packing her kids into her car I mentioned how her reading a novel during the pastor's sermon was discouraging for me. We ended up getting into a big discussion about ancient misunderstandings between us. Sitting in her car we both cried. Jewliet's awakening understanding emotional pain was particularly poignant at this moment. I remember looking back at her big sad blue eyes, her a face strained with child-like concern. "What's wrong?" she asked a couple times. It's no longer only June and I "the thompson twins" that are impacted by the hand we've been dealt. And I have to admit that worries me. I don't want them to inherit our legacy.
Later I went back to church for a praise and worship night even though I felt drained by my tears and June's criticism of the church. I just wanted to be in God's house in the dark surrounded by the praise of believers. I wanted to coil-up into a ball and sway and cry before him in some dark corner of the sanctuary. I went and found a lonely pew. I was relieved to find that the church wasn't packed and there was lots of space. As soon as the praise started I cried and cried. I was slightly nervous someone would mistakenly think I was "shaking in the spirit" (a practice I oppose for the most part). I cried off and on for the next 2 hours of the service. "God, just meet me here." "Please, just reach into this situation." were the prayers that my heart mumbled.
Just a Sample of June and I's Conversation
"Facts effect me more than emotional simplistic sermons... I believe in the Bible, I believe in God."
"But you're angry at him?"
"Yes, because he's never helped me or shown me he cares about me. I cried out to him so many times but nothing changed. ....I'm tired of trusting people and being made a fool. And many of those times were with God. I trusted him and he made a fool of me."
***later in the conversation***
"What could he do to show you He's real?"
"I want to see him on earth, I want to see a miracle, anything to show me He's worthy of my trust. I can't deal with speaking to the wind. People say God spoke to them but they're just making it up. How can I believe them? Maybe God worked in the New Testament times or he works in other countries but there's no evidence of God's work here. Non-Christians have lots of good things happen to them, too."
I protest, "God is working. What do you think has happened in my life? What about other's lives? How can you say that?"
"I wish I could believe like you do, like Andre does. But I can't. I've been down that road and if I try to believe I feel I'm being someone I'm not."
It was aspects of this conversation that I was crying about through out the night service. It pains me so much to hear her say that she cried out to God desperately and yet felt she was only "left with air". What can a person say to that? That's what she experienced. That's how she felt. I know that God passionately loves her but she's heard that a million times. And she simply doesn't believe it and feels her circumstances have always confirmed that belief.
For most of my life my sister's pain was my pain and in many ways that's still true. I've had to trust her to God through out these years because it was beyond me. It hurts me to finally see the abandonment she feels from God. The God I trusted to take of her made her a fool, wasn't there for her? I see it differently. I see God's providence in her life. But where I see providence she sees abandonment; where I see his love she sees rejection. That hurts and also baffles me. Am I only seeing what I want to see? How can such adverse perspectives about the same life co-exist?
*****************
Well, more tales of living back in San Diego to come. Including thoughts on the helicopters that keep on flying over my house. Maybe they're having a practice drill at 1 in the morning? Or maybe they're looking for an escaped convict on my street? hmmm.... I vote for the former simply cuz it makes me feel better.
As she was packing her kids into her car I mentioned how her reading a novel during the pastor's sermon was discouraging for me. We ended up getting into a big discussion about ancient misunderstandings between us. Sitting in her car we both cried. Jewliet's awakening understanding emotional pain was particularly poignant at this moment. I remember looking back at her big sad blue eyes, her a face strained with child-like concern. "What's wrong?" she asked a couple times. It's no longer only June and I "the thompson twins" that are impacted by the hand we've been dealt. And I have to admit that worries me. I don't want them to inherit our legacy.
Later I went back to church for a praise and worship night even though I felt drained by my tears and June's criticism of the church. I just wanted to be in God's house in the dark surrounded by the praise of believers. I wanted to coil-up into a ball and sway and cry before him in some dark corner of the sanctuary. I went and found a lonely pew. I was relieved to find that the church wasn't packed and there was lots of space. As soon as the praise started I cried and cried. I was slightly nervous someone would mistakenly think I was "shaking in the spirit" (a practice I oppose for the most part). I cried off and on for the next 2 hours of the service. "God, just meet me here." "Please, just reach into this situation." were the prayers that my heart mumbled.
Just a Sample of June and I's Conversation
"Facts effect me more than emotional simplistic sermons... I believe in the Bible, I believe in God."
"But you're angry at him?"
"Yes, because he's never helped me or shown me he cares about me. I cried out to him so many times but nothing changed. ....I'm tired of trusting people and being made a fool. And many of those times were with God. I trusted him and he made a fool of me."
***later in the conversation***
"What could he do to show you He's real?"
"I want to see him on earth, I want to see a miracle, anything to show me He's worthy of my trust. I can't deal with speaking to the wind. People say God spoke to them but they're just making it up. How can I believe them? Maybe God worked in the New Testament times or he works in other countries but there's no evidence of God's work here. Non-Christians have lots of good things happen to them, too."
I protest, "God is working. What do you think has happened in my life? What about other's lives? How can you say that?"
"I wish I could believe like you do, like Andre does. But I can't. I've been down that road and if I try to believe I feel I'm being someone I'm not."
It was aspects of this conversation that I was crying about through out the night service. It pains me so much to hear her say that she cried out to God desperately and yet felt she was only "left with air". What can a person say to that? That's what she experienced. That's how she felt. I know that God passionately loves her but she's heard that a million times. And she simply doesn't believe it and feels her circumstances have always confirmed that belief.
For most of my life my sister's pain was my pain and in many ways that's still true. I've had to trust her to God through out these years because it was beyond me. It hurts me to finally see the abandonment she feels from God. The God I trusted to take of her made her a fool, wasn't there for her? I see it differently. I see God's providence in her life. But where I see providence she sees abandonment; where I see his love she sees rejection. That hurts and also baffles me. Am I only seeing what I want to see? How can such adverse perspectives about the same life co-exist?
*****************
Well, more tales of living back in San Diego to come. Including thoughts on the helicopters that keep on flying over my house. Maybe they're having a practice drill at 1 in the morning? Or maybe they're looking for an escaped convict on my street? hmmm.... I vote for the former simply cuz it makes me feel better.
Friday, July 23, 2004
The “I have no friends (in San Diego)” Anthem
(sung to the melody of “He’s a Cold Hearted Snake” by Paula Abdul)
I have no friends (He’s a cold hearted snake)
In San Diego (Look into his eyes)
Oh-ohhhh
I have no friends (He’s a cold hearted snake)
In San Diego (Look into his eyes)
Oh-ohhhh
Lots of sunshine and palm trees
Looks like a peaceful, fun haven
But it’s more like an empty movie backdrop
(make up your own melody for this part. I suggest “Jack be nimble, Jack be quick, Jack jump over candle stick”)
I have no friends (He’s a cold hearted snake)
In San Diego (Look into his eyes)
Oh-ohhhh
(sung to the melody of “He’s a Cold Hearted Snake” by Paula Abdul)
I have no friends (He’s a cold hearted snake)
In San Diego (Look into his eyes)
Oh-ohhhh
I have no friends (He’s a cold hearted snake)
In San Diego (Look into his eyes)
Oh-ohhhh
Lots of sunshine and palm trees
Looks like a peaceful, fun haven
But it’s more like an empty movie backdrop
(make up your own melody for this part. I suggest “Jack be nimble, Jack be quick, Jack jump over candle stick”)
I have no friends (He’s a cold hearted snake)
In San Diego (Look into his eyes)
Oh-ohhhh
Thursday, July 22, 2004
Yes, here I am in San Diego, CA. USA. I just want to say to all my Korea friends that I love you very much and I am alive. :-) (And hi to all my friends in the US. Thanks for your welcoming support)
There's so much to say as you can imagine. Sorry I've been a major email lame-bo but that is changing as of tomorrow. I'm emailing everyone back tomorrow as well as pouring out my heart on my blog about how detached I feel from American culture and how I have no friends in San Diego.
However, there are things to be excited about such as how the Interactive Media Certificate course I'm going to be taking is so perfect! I'm also going to be participating in a Community Economic Certificate and that also looks perfect. In that area I'm really amazed so far.
In contrast, in the church and fellowship department I'm discouraged so far but I really shouldn't be-I've just been here two weeks. So chin up, Joyce! Put on your boxing gloves! Umm... Go, fight, win....and all that stuff... Anyway, I need your prayers right now and I'm praying for you guys as you transition also.
Okay, tomorrow I'll be writing more.
There's so much to say as you can imagine. Sorry I've been a major email lame-bo but that is changing as of tomorrow. I'm emailing everyone back tomorrow as well as pouring out my heart on my blog about how detached I feel from American culture and how I have no friends in San Diego.
However, there are things to be excited about such as how the Interactive Media Certificate course I'm going to be taking is so perfect! I'm also going to be participating in a Community Economic Certificate and that also looks perfect. In that area I'm really amazed so far.
In contrast, in the church and fellowship department I'm discouraged so far but I really shouldn't be-I've just been here two weeks. So chin up, Joyce! Put on your boxing gloves! Umm... Go, fight, win....and all that stuff... Anyway, I need your prayers right now and I'm praying for you guys as you transition also.
Okay, tomorrow I'll be writing more.
Sunday, July 04, 2004
I CAN'T believe this!!!!!!!!!! Now I know why I haven't been able to access any blogger site! The Korean government has censored blogspot along with other sites because of the beheading of Kim Sun-il in Iraq. I can't believe it!
"As some of you may already know, a wing of the South Korean government, the Ministry of Information and Culture (MIC), is currently clamping down on a variety of blogging service providers and other websites. The government is attempting to control access to video of the recent Kim Sun-il beheading, ostensibly because the video will have a destabilizing influence."
Ro and I found other Korean bloggers going crazy about it through a search on google. Good thing we finally started to look into things. However, the whole ordeal has been helpful in some senses. It put me in touch with other Korean politically minded bloggers and it's taught me one way to get around blocked sites. ha,ha So next time I'm in a country that censors perhaps I can get around it. So I can finally read your sites and read my own!!!! Finally!!
Want to read more? Check out what these bloggers have to say:
http://marmot.blogs.com/korea/
http://jeffinkorea.blogs.com/
http://aboutjoel.com/
http://oranckay.net/blog/
http://kimcheegi.blogs.com/
http://gopkorea.blogs.com/flyingyangban
http://rathbonepress.tblog.com/
http://blog.woojay.net/
"As some of you may already know, a wing of the South Korean government, the Ministry of Information and Culture (MIC), is currently clamping down on a variety of blogging service providers and other websites. The government is attempting to control access to video of the recent Kim Sun-il beheading, ostensibly because the video will have a destabilizing influence."
Ro and I found other Korean bloggers going crazy about it through a search on google. Good thing we finally started to look into things. However, the whole ordeal has been helpful in some senses. It put me in touch with other Korean politically minded bloggers and it's taught me one way to get around blocked sites. ha,ha So next time I'm in a country that censors perhaps I can get around it. So I can finally read your sites and read my own!!!! Finally!!
Want to read more? Check out what these bloggers have to say:
http://marmot.blogs.com/korea/
http://jeffinkorea.blogs.com/
http://aboutjoel.com/
http://oranckay.net/blog/
http://kimcheegi.blogs.com/
http://gopkorea.blogs.com/flyingyangban
http://rathbonepress.tblog.com/
http://blog.woojay.net/
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