The greatest truth I know is what I feel when I look in my niece's eyes.
I'm so easily confused about my life, burdened by the loneliness and darkness I see around me. Life can often seem colorless and meandering.
But when I look in my niece's eyes, eyes that glow with a pure truth, my relativism and pessimism lift and out shines one singular truth-love without condition.
I've always been one to tie myself in intellectual knots and it's always been the profound truth of simple love that has lifted the superfluous fog of my limited human logic.
It's this love that makes everything make sense; it's this love that makes things matter. It's in the light of this pure child-like love that our own darkness is exposed and our deepest redemption found.
Saturday, June 18, 2005
I've been busy from dawn till dusk this last week. I'm feeling kind of homeless as I'm in the process of moving to Palos Verdes for the summer but all my stuff is in 3 different locations in Los Angeles right now.
As June and I were about to leave to Barnes and Noble tonight she said, "aren't you going to change?" She was commenting on my interesting combination of somewhat formal shirt and workout pants. But hey, that's what happens when your clothes are all over LA and you go on a weekend trip to San Diego to hang out with "the fam" and "the old school".
As June and I were about to leave to Barnes and Noble tonight she said, "aren't you going to change?" She was commenting on my interesting combination of somewhat formal shirt and workout pants. But hey, that's what happens when your clothes are all over LA and you go on a weekend trip to San Diego to hang out with "the fam" and "the old school".
Sunday, June 12, 2005
Man, I feel like I've been inundated with superficiality lately. It's been hitting me on all fronts. Men, friends, random people sitting next to me...
The girl sitting next to me has been absolutely driving me crazy! I'm trying to concentrate on my taxes and she's gossiping about some poor girl. But the poor girl is not the only object of her annoying, shallow tirades. She is also, of course, talking about how smart she is and how that guy that hit on her was obviously "not smart enough" because he's from the South. Whatever that means!
This is what her words sounded like to me, "whinewhinewhinenegativitybrattybrainlesswhine! Andasldijgfijfosdigj!"
Annoying!!!! I seriously can't understand why people waste their time going on and on about such meaningless bull crap. Unfortunately, I feel like I've been hearing a lot of things like this lately and I'm starting to wonder if the stereotypes of LA are more true than I originally thought.
sorry...venting....
The girl sitting next to me has been absolutely driving me crazy! I'm trying to concentrate on my taxes and she's gossiping about some poor girl. But the poor girl is not the only object of her annoying, shallow tirades. She is also, of course, talking about how smart she is and how that guy that hit on her was obviously "not smart enough" because he's from the South. Whatever that means!
This is what her words sounded like to me, "whinewhinewhinenegativitybrattybrainlesswhine! Andasldijgfijfosdigj!"
Annoying!!!! I seriously can't understand why people waste their time going on and on about such meaningless bull crap. Unfortunately, I feel like I've been hearing a lot of things like this lately and I'm starting to wonder if the stereotypes of LA are more true than I originally thought.
sorry...venting....
Thursday, June 09, 2005
The count down has begun. I'm moving to the OC one week from tomorrow. Time has flown by. It's weird to be moving again. Part of me feels like it's going to be like moving to a totally new city. Hopefully that's not true because it's not like I'm severing all the connections I've made here on the Westside.
It's funny-my roommates and I have been spending ridiculous amounts of time talking and hanging out at our place. It's like we're subconsciously trying to squeeze in as much time as possible before we separate.
Right now I think I'm suffering from a bout of post-semester disorientation. In this past week alone I've had two dreams in which I've woken up panicked about some paper I need to finish or some missing document that's going to bring my grade down. Of course, later after struggling for a minute to separate fact from dream, I realize that the semester is over and everything is complete. I also have that common summer feeling of, "what do I do now?" But it's not like I don't have a lot to do or a lot of things to enjoy. It's just that rapid change from stressed to unstressed that leaves a person a bit thrown off.
I guess it doesn't help that my stupid international tax situation is looming over my head. (don’t worry I got an extension) I've finally got all the answers I need to file though. So if you ever live overseas for a long time and need some tax help you know who to ask.
It's funny-my roommates and I have been spending ridiculous amounts of time talking and hanging out at our place. It's like we're subconsciously trying to squeeze in as much time as possible before we separate.
Right now I think I'm suffering from a bout of post-semester disorientation. In this past week alone I've had two dreams in which I've woken up panicked about some paper I need to finish or some missing document that's going to bring my grade down. Of course, later after struggling for a minute to separate fact from dream, I realize that the semester is over and everything is complete. I also have that common summer feeling of, "what do I do now?" But it's not like I don't have a lot to do or a lot of things to enjoy. It's just that rapid change from stressed to unstressed that leaves a person a bit thrown off.
I guess it doesn't help that my stupid international tax situation is looming over my head. (don’t worry I got an extension) I've finally got all the answers I need to file though. So if you ever live overseas for a long time and need some tax help you know who to ask.
Wednesday, June 01, 2005
There's something sad about this cat and mouse game we call the dating game.
Often when a guy first starts pursuing me, unbeknownst to him I pull into myself. I start seeing the situation as if I was outside myself-an invisible, objective outsider merely observing the situation.
Something about that vantage point frequently pushes me into a state of melancholy. Here are two humans trying to make it through a maze of motives, expectations, and baggage to actually reach each other. Ironically in the process of trying desperately to connect, they often push each other further away.
This out-of-body experience has been especially stark with a couple guys. As one particular guy was talking on and on about all his ex-girlfriends over dinner, I felt close to tears. Not because of his obvious lack of awareness, but because in his desire to connect with me he had pushed me away.
It's the observer in me that is most grieved by this because that observer knows that this guy's behavior is reflective of what we all do at times-a micro-example of the human experience. Seeking selfishly to be loved, we push the chance for genuine love aside.
The dating game frequently thrusts me into a somber, thoughtful state. I so often feel like just a pawn on some guy’s chessboard. He's looking to win the game of love and in the pursuit of love he misses me-the person right in front of him.
Often when a guy first starts pursuing me, unbeknownst to him I pull into myself. I start seeing the situation as if I was outside myself-an invisible, objective outsider merely observing the situation.
Something about that vantage point frequently pushes me into a state of melancholy. Here are two humans trying to make it through a maze of motives, expectations, and baggage to actually reach each other. Ironically in the process of trying desperately to connect, they often push each other further away.
This out-of-body experience has been especially stark with a couple guys. As one particular guy was talking on and on about all his ex-girlfriends over dinner, I felt close to tears. Not because of his obvious lack of awareness, but because in his desire to connect with me he had pushed me away.
It's the observer in me that is most grieved by this because that observer knows that this guy's behavior is reflective of what we all do at times-a micro-example of the human experience. Seeking selfishly to be loved, we push the chance for genuine love aside.
The dating game frequently thrusts me into a somber, thoughtful state. I so often feel like just a pawn on some guy’s chessboard. He's looking to win the game of love and in the pursuit of love he misses me-the person right in front of him.
Saturday, May 28, 2005
Today I feel good about being in America. Just had a great day. Since I finished my grad classes Wednesday, I've found my myself in a unexpected whirl wind of socializing. Thursday night I said good-bye to my Westside small group cuz I'm moving to the OC baby (I just said that cuz it rhymes not cuz I'm particularly excited). Then saw Star Wars III Friday night, which as thoroughly reported already was very good and a bit sad. Then today I got up kind of early for a Saturday and went biking from Venice to Hermosa Beach with my small group and it really was jolly good fun.
I have that great tired/high kind of feeling that you get after working out for a long time. It feels so good when you take a shower and drink a veggie juice drink. (huh? well at least it does for me)
I was thinking of chilling and watching Gardenstate. (it's about time!). But I'm getting super tired now. Anyway, I was going to talk about way more interesting things than just babbling on. I guess I was going to say that I can already tell that Gardenstate is going to instantly put me in a pensive probably slightly sad mood.
This sentence alone on the back of the DVD case already is the story of my life, "Twentysomething, Andrew Largeman (Joyce ****), returns home after nine long years. Now as he(she) tries to re-connect with his (her) past...."
I have that great tired/high kind of feeling that you get after working out for a long time. It feels so good when you take a shower and drink a veggie juice drink. (huh? well at least it does for me)
I was thinking of chilling and watching Gardenstate. (it's about time!). But I'm getting super tired now. Anyway, I was going to talk about way more interesting things than just babbling on. I guess I was going to say that I can already tell that Gardenstate is going to instantly put me in a pensive probably slightly sad mood.
This sentence alone on the back of the DVD case already is the story of my life, "Twentysomething, Andrew Largeman (Joyce ****), returns home after nine long years. Now as he(she) tries to re-connect with his (her) past...."
Monday, May 23, 2005
Heard a very interesting discussion on Evangelical influence on students at Ivy League schools on NPR today.
To listen click here. To read the NY Times article click here.
This article and the interview brought to the surface a lot of things that I've been thinking about for a while concerning America's current culture wars. I would like to think out loud about it but it's such a sensitive issue even between Christians.
One thing I'll venture to say about it right now is that American culture wars take on a different taint when you come back to them after living overseas for a long time. I'm being kind of general and cryptic...maybe I'll try to discuss some of this stuff after my classes are over. (yeah! 2 more classes then I'm done for the semester!) But knowing me once the moment's over I won't go back to it.
Here's a snippet from the NY Times article to whet your appetite:
"The growing power and influence of evangelical Christians is manifest everywhere these days, from the best-seller lists to the White House, but in fact their share of the general population has not changed much in half a century. Most pollsters agree that people who identify themselves as white evangelical Christians make up about a quarter of the population, just as they have for decades.
What has changed is the class status of evangelical. In 1929, the theologian H. Richard Niebuhr described born-again Christianity as the "religion of the disinherited." But over the last 40 years, evangelicals have pulled steadily closer in income and education to mainline Protestants in the historically affluent establishment denominations. In the process they have overturned the old social pecking order in which "Episcopalian," for example, was a code word for upper class, and "fundamentalist" or "evangelical" shorthand for lower.
Evangelical Christians are now increasingly likely to be college graduates and in the top income brackets. Evangelical C.E.O.'s pray together on monthly conference calls, evangelical investment bankers study the Bible over lunch on Wall Street and deep-pocketed evangelical donors gather at golf courses for conferences restricted to those who give more than $200,000 annually to Christian causes.
Their growing wealth and education help explain the new influence of evangelicals in American culture and politics. Their buying power fuels the booming market for Christian books, music and films. Their rising income has paid for construction of vast mega-churches in suburbs across the country. Their charitable contributions finance dozens of mission agencies, religious broadcasters and international service groups."
What are your thoughts on this? Are we becoming more influential because our money and education has increased or is it something else?
If it is true that we as a community have become more affluent in the last couple decades are we using our greater spending power to expand the kingdom of God (ex. reaching out to communities that are more needy economically, socially, spiritually) or are we primarily using it for ourselves and our community (ex. megachurch buildings, bookstores)?
There are a lot of other things I'd like to ask your thoughts on but I've got to get back to studying....
To listen click here. To read the NY Times article click here.
This article and the interview brought to the surface a lot of things that I've been thinking about for a while concerning America's current culture wars. I would like to think out loud about it but it's such a sensitive issue even between Christians.
One thing I'll venture to say about it right now is that American culture wars take on a different taint when you come back to them after living overseas for a long time. I'm being kind of general and cryptic...maybe I'll try to discuss some of this stuff after my classes are over. (yeah! 2 more classes then I'm done for the semester!) But knowing me once the moment's over I won't go back to it.
Here's a snippet from the NY Times article to whet your appetite:
"The growing power and influence of evangelical Christians is manifest everywhere these days, from the best-seller lists to the White House, but in fact their share of the general population has not changed much in half a century. Most pollsters agree that people who identify themselves as white evangelical Christians make up about a quarter of the population, just as they have for decades.
What has changed is the class status of evangelical. In 1929, the theologian H. Richard Niebuhr described born-again Christianity as the "religion of the disinherited." But over the last 40 years, evangelicals have pulled steadily closer in income and education to mainline Protestants in the historically affluent establishment denominations. In the process they have overturned the old social pecking order in which "Episcopalian," for example, was a code word for upper class, and "fundamentalist" or "evangelical" shorthand for lower.
Evangelical Christians are now increasingly likely to be college graduates and in the top income brackets. Evangelical C.E.O.'s pray together on monthly conference calls, evangelical investment bankers study the Bible over lunch on Wall Street and deep-pocketed evangelical donors gather at golf courses for conferences restricted to those who give more than $200,000 annually to Christian causes.
Their growing wealth and education help explain the new influence of evangelicals in American culture and politics. Their buying power fuels the booming market for Christian books, music and films. Their rising income has paid for construction of vast mega-churches in suburbs across the country. Their charitable contributions finance dozens of mission agencies, religious broadcasters and international service groups."
What are your thoughts on this? Are we becoming more influential because our money and education has increased or is it something else?
If it is true that we as a community have become more affluent in the last couple decades are we using our greater spending power to expand the kingdom of God (ex. reaching out to communities that are more needy economically, socially, spiritually) or are we primarily using it for ourselves and our community (ex. megachurch buildings, bookstores)?
There are a lot of other things I'd like to ask your thoughts on but I've got to get back to studying....
Sunday, May 22, 2005
Saturday, May 21, 2005
Bingo!!!
In all my Central Asia research, I've found a "to drool for" website. (This is the kind of website I've been envisioning..somebody already thought of it. That's alright I still have a couple ideas up my sleeve that might come to fruition someday over the rainbow....)
http://www.oneworldjourneys.com/
In all my Central Asia research, I've found a "to drool for" website. (This is the kind of website I've been envisioning..somebody already thought of it. That's alright I still have a couple ideas up my sleeve that might come to fruition someday over the rainbow....)
http://www.oneworldjourneys.com/
Thursday, May 19, 2005
A statement that broke my heart tonight:
"One man, Abdulla Abdullaugli, 28, asked to take a reporter's notebook and then wrote a statement in Russian: "This is not radical Islam, simply people who want to live like the rest of the world." (meaning this uprising is not really about Islam but about people who want out of their poverty)
-taken from this article on the recent Islamic uprising in Uzbekistan
"One man, Abdulla Abdullaugli, 28, asked to take a reporter's notebook and then wrote a statement in Russian: "This is not radical Islam, simply people who want to live like the rest of the world." (meaning this uprising is not really about Islam but about people who want out of their poverty)
-taken from this article on the recent Islamic uprising in Uzbekistan
I guess this template will do. I couldn't really find a template I was satisfied with.
Now I need to put up those links, so I have easy access again to all the people that I surf.
I've decided that today I’m going to post the first installment of my very own on-going online photography exhibit. I was driving on the 5 the other day and it struck me that I would like to see all my best work together in one album. So I'm going to post my favorite pics little by little then transfer them to a “favorites” album on my photopage. It would just be interesting for me to see all those scattered experiences together in one place.
I just love photography. I'm having a hard time even beginning to explain what I love about it. There have been times when my students have brought some of their pictures to me and I've just stared at a certain pic. They had caught something on film-a movement in mid-stride, a shadow, an angle that was just right. They had caught "it".
I remember one time in particular when my TA showed me his pics of India. I exclaimed after breathing them in, "Ramon, these are good! Are you into photography?" But he didn't know what I was talking about. He had no special interest in photography and was awestruck that I saw anything special in his pics. I remember his look of, "Are we talking about the same pictures?" But in many of his pics he had caught "it". The hilarious thing was that he felt like I was picking the most inconsequential ones.
Photography feels very similar to poetry for me. I understand and create both art forms from the same place and with the same philosophy.
Wow, I've never tried to explain my ideas on photography before. That was hard. I'll have to think more about it and try to write about it again in a more articulate fashion.
Now I need to put up those links, so I have easy access again to all the people that I surf.
I've decided that today I’m going to post the first installment of my very own on-going online photography exhibit. I was driving on the 5 the other day and it struck me that I would like to see all my best work together in one album. So I'm going to post my favorite pics little by little then transfer them to a “favorites” album on my photopage. It would just be interesting for me to see all those scattered experiences together in one place.
I just love photography. I'm having a hard time even beginning to explain what I love about it. There have been times when my students have brought some of their pictures to me and I've just stared at a certain pic. They had caught something on film-a movement in mid-stride, a shadow, an angle that was just right. They had caught "it".
I remember one time in particular when my TA showed me his pics of India. I exclaimed after breathing them in, "Ramon, these are good! Are you into photography?" But he didn't know what I was talking about. He had no special interest in photography and was awestruck that I saw anything special in his pics. I remember his look of, "Are we talking about the same pictures?" But in many of his pics he had caught "it". The hilarious thing was that he felt like I was picking the most inconsequential ones.
Photography feels very similar to poetry for me. I understand and create both art forms from the same place and with the same philosophy.
Wow, I've never tried to explain my ideas on photography before. That was hard. I'll have to think more about it and try to write about it again in a more articulate fashion.
Tuesday, May 17, 2005
Oh man, I'd really like to write right now but right now I should be stressing out about my presentation on my research paper on
Joyce, read my lips:
very important presentation tomorrow, wake up early go to stressful crummy work then drive through an hour of traffic to a very important presentation with lots of big eyes looking up at you the so-called grad student stumbling over her words if you don't get going NOW!
Comprehende? comprende? Kapish?
Wednesday, May 11, 2005
I've been meaning to write out some of my thoughts on this. I've been curious to see what I would come up with when I sought to turn it into words as opposed to just fluffy thoughts whirling around in my head.
Qualities that attract me to a man:
-open to people, open to new ideas
-empathetic: can easily see things from someone else's point of view
-sensitive, emotional (not in a moody, unstable way but in the sense that they feel things deeply)
-talkative and curious
-simple (not materialistic or really into fashion)
-can relate to a lot of different kinds of people
-not a stranger to pain and weakness
Hmmm...this is interesting. I'm just writing whatever first comes to mind. I have to go to bed...
To be continued
Qualities that attract me to a man:
-open to people, open to new ideas
-empathetic: can easily see things from someone else's point of view
-sensitive, emotional (not in a moody, unstable way but in the sense that they feel things deeply)
-talkative and curious
-simple (not materialistic or really into fashion)
-can relate to a lot of different kinds of people
-not a stranger to pain and weakness
Hmmm...this is interesting. I'm just writing whatever first comes to mind. I have to go to bed...
To be continued
To hide one lie, a thousand more lies must be told.
~Indian proverb taken from the grammar book I'm teaching out of
Can you find the nouns?
A writer is someone who has written today (something like that)
~quote of a famous novelist taken off a Starbucks cup
Speaking of grammar, unfortunately I'm really hating teaching right now. I guess I'm burnt out. Believe it or not, I just feel like I never want to teach again.
I'm in my own body but even I don't totally understand myself. It's almost like I've suddenly become someone else in this regard. Something in the past I would have done for free now instantly repulses me.
I kind of knew when I got back from Korea that I needed a break from ESL but when I moved to LA it seemed an ESL job would mesh best with my schedule. It seems working in these flaky, factory-like ESL jobs has pushed me over the edge. Yet I should give my current job some credit-in a lot of ways they have an excellent system and they truly care about teacher development. But the school is still a somewhat chaotic moneymaking machine and I just can't take that right now.
But even as I read over what I've written I can't help thinking how spoiled I am, so many in the world don't have the luxury of choosing a job they're passionate about.
~Indian proverb taken from the grammar book I'm teaching out of
Can you find the nouns?
A writer is someone who has written today (something like that)
~quote of a famous novelist taken off a Starbucks cup
Speaking of grammar, unfortunately I'm really hating teaching right now. I guess I'm burnt out. Believe it or not, I just feel like I never want to teach again.
I'm in my own body but even I don't totally understand myself. It's almost like I've suddenly become someone else in this regard. Something in the past I would have done for free now instantly repulses me.
I kind of knew when I got back from Korea that I needed a break from ESL but when I moved to LA it seemed an ESL job would mesh best with my schedule. It seems working in these flaky, factory-like ESL jobs has pushed me over the edge. Yet I should give my current job some credit-in a lot of ways they have an excellent system and they truly care about teacher development. But the school is still a somewhat chaotic moneymaking machine and I just can't take that right now.
But even as I read over what I've written I can't help thinking how spoiled I am, so many in the world don't have the luxury of choosing a job they're passionate about.
Saturday, May 07, 2005
Whenever I read about Handong, I always so strongly want to be there. To just be there. I can so easily go there in my heart and remember everything so clearly. It's like that world is more real than this one.
I can remember my office and the copy room. I remember my tired body typing at my computer before my first class. I loved that sacred time when the morning quietness was still unbroken by the sounds of students shuffling into their classes. Sandy would be across from me working quietly at her desk looking professional and beautiful as usual.
Part of me feels like if I went back everything would still be there as I left it and I could jump right into it like I had never been gone. But I know that's not really true.
I think we always feel that way about times in our lives that are a little like heaven. There are those times in our lives when we feel so happy, so contented and loved that they take on their own life in our consciousness. They're like an idealized painting that has transcended the restrictions of time and just lives on in your heart.
I can remember my office and the copy room. I remember my tired body typing at my computer before my first class. I loved that sacred time when the morning quietness was still unbroken by the sounds of students shuffling into their classes. Sandy would be across from me working quietly at her desk looking professional and beautiful as usual.
Part of me feels like if I went back everything would still be there as I left it and I could jump right into it like I had never been gone. But I know that's not really true.
I think we always feel that way about times in our lives that are a little like heaven. There are those times in our lives when we feel so happy, so contented and loved that they take on their own life in our consciousness. They're like an idealized painting that has transcended the restrictions of time and just lives on in your heart.
Sunday, May 01, 2005
warning: I don't have internet access in my room anymore because something is wrong with our wireless router. So it is likely that I won't be writing as much as I usually do for a little while. The same goes for email. hmmmph...
We'll see if I can work in some thoughtful reflection at my university's library some time soon.
We'll see if I can work in some thoughtful reflection at my university's library some time soon.
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