I'm going to get my back adjusted finally! I'm supposedly getting it done at the same place Cindy Crawford goes to (according to my chiropractor in SD).
I'm also seeing Hotel Rwanda tonight. I'm not looking forward to crying my eyes out and probably being traumatized for days but I think it's still important to see it.
Sunday, March 06, 2005
I need God's presence so much right now. I haven't prayed nearly enough this week. I started my new part-time teaching job last Monday. I was rushing all around, getting up earlier than I'm used to. Lying in bed Tuesday or Wednesday it occured to me that I had totally fogotten to take time aside to commune with Him.
One morning while driving to work a song's lyrics worked their way into my sleepy consciousness. "Open your eyes....this who you are. Are you everything you dreamed you'd be?"
After I actually listened to what the singer was saying I was struck with the very words that had hit me so hard nearly two years ago on my 26th birthday. You are who you are today. You're no longer becoming, you are. Look at yourself in the mirror. Are you proud of what you've become, proud of what you do on a daily basis? Be who you want to be today. No more excuses.
These words came tumbling out onto to my brain on my 26th b-day. A searing realization from God and "a breaking" that still challenges me. Since this time I still ask myself this question as a kind of spiritual check-up, a challenge that helps me keep the weeds in my life in check.
I remember that day with a sad, resolute clarity. I was at Handong totally alone in the faculty apartments. This was a self-imposed solitude. I had purposely come back to Handong's deserted campus to work on my grad applications in silence. I had already celebrated my b-day with friends so I didn't care that I'd be alone on the actual day.
I woke up alone and sinned alone. I went on a walk in my usual rice fields. The sky was such a perfect crystal blue laced by autumn's remaining gold and red leaves as I gazed upwards. I remember I walked downed the hard, crusty mud road rimmed by tall, colorful trees and I was stumbling. Stumbling with sadness, with disappointment with myself.
I was 26 and I had become something I didn't want to be! I remember I came to the end of that trail and facing that perfect cloudless sky I burst out crying. My desparation and disappointment with myself tumbled out of my mouth in the form of, "This is not who I want to be! Help me!!!" I cried and I got on my knees.
On that 26th b-day, on that cold dirt road I realized with such searing clarity that there were sins in my life that I had to vicously up-root in order to be "the person I had dreamed I'd be".
From that moment on when I wanted to slip into old sins, old patterns I'd remind myself that who I am today is who I am. I'm proud to say that I can look in the mirror and know that there are no hidden sins in my life that I'm secretly nursing. I'm proud of who I am today.
One morning while driving to work a song's lyrics worked their way into my sleepy consciousness. "Open your eyes....this who you are. Are you everything you dreamed you'd be?"
After I actually listened to what the singer was saying I was struck with the very words that had hit me so hard nearly two years ago on my 26th birthday. You are who you are today. You're no longer becoming, you are. Look at yourself in the mirror. Are you proud of what you've become, proud of what you do on a daily basis? Be who you want to be today. No more excuses.
These words came tumbling out onto to my brain on my 26th b-day. A searing realization from God and "a breaking" that still challenges me. Since this time I still ask myself this question as a kind of spiritual check-up, a challenge that helps me keep the weeds in my life in check.
I remember that day with a sad, resolute clarity. I was at Handong totally alone in the faculty apartments. This was a self-imposed solitude. I had purposely come back to Handong's deserted campus to work on my grad applications in silence. I had already celebrated my b-day with friends so I didn't care that I'd be alone on the actual day.
I woke up alone and sinned alone. I went on a walk in my usual rice fields. The sky was such a perfect crystal blue laced by autumn's remaining gold and red leaves as I gazed upwards. I remember I walked downed the hard, crusty mud road rimmed by tall, colorful trees and I was stumbling. Stumbling with sadness, with disappointment with myself.
I was 26 and I had become something I didn't want to be! I remember I came to the end of that trail and facing that perfect cloudless sky I burst out crying. My desparation and disappointment with myself tumbled out of my mouth in the form of, "This is not who I want to be! Help me!!!" I cried and I got on my knees.
On that 26th b-day, on that cold dirt road I realized with such searing clarity that there were sins in my life that I had to vicously up-root in order to be "the person I had dreamed I'd be".
From that moment on when I wanted to slip into old sins, old patterns I'd remind myself that who I am today is who I am. I'm proud to say that I can look in the mirror and know that there are no hidden sins in my life that I'm secretly nursing. I'm proud of who I am today.
Tuesday, March 01, 2005
Tonight in class one of my discussion partners totally guessed my Myers-Briggs personality type without even blinking. I asked him how he did that (he barely knows me) and he just said he has a special interest in Myers-Briggs. Whatever the case, I was impressed with his guesswork. So tonight I came back and looked up some descriptions of my personality type again.
Does this sound like me or what!!!
(taken from http://www.typelogic.com/enfp.html)
General: ENFPs are both "idea"-people and "people"-people, who see everyone and everything as part of an often bizarre cosmic whole. They want to both help (at least, their own definition of "help") and be liked and admired by other people, on both an individual and a humanitarian level. They are interested in new ideas on principle, but ultimately discard most of them for one reason or another.
Social/Personal Relationships: ENFPs have a great deal of zany charm, which can ingratiate them to the more stodgy types in spite of their unconventionality. They are outgoing, fun, and genuinely like people. As SOs/mates they are warm, affectionate (lots of PDA), and disconcertingly spontaneous. However, attention span in relationships can be short; ENFPs are easily intrigued and distracted by new friends and acquaintances, forgetting about the older ones for long stretches at a time. Less mature ENFPs may need to feel they are the center of attention all the time, to reassure them that everyone thinks they're a wonderful and fascinating person. (who me??)
ENFPs often have strong, if unconvential, convictions on various issues related to their Cosmic View. They usually try to use their social skills and contacts to persuade people gently of the rightness of these views; his sometimes results in their neglecting their nearest and dearest while flitting around trying to save the world. (hmmmm....ouch)
Work Environment: ENFPs are pleasant, easygoing, and usually fun to work with. They come up with great ideas, and are a major asset in brainstorming sessions. Follow through tends to be a problem, however; they tend to get bored quickly, especially if a newer, more interesting project comes along. They also tend to be procrastinators, both about meeting hard deadlines and about performing any small, uninteresting tasks that they've been assigned. ENFPs are at their most useful when working in a group w ith a J or two to take up the slack. (hahahahahahahahahahahaha)
ENFPs hate bureaucracy, both in principle and in practice; they will always make a point of launching one of their crusades against some aspect of it. ENFPs are friendly folks. Most are really enjoyable people. Some of the most soft-hearted people are ENFPs.
ENFPs have what some call a "silly switch." They can be intellectual, serious, all business for a while, but whenever they get the chance, they flip that switch and become CAPTAIN WILDCHILD, the scourge of the swimming pool, ticklers par excellence. Sometimes they may even appear intoxicated when the "switch" is flipped. (absolutely wrong in my case...asiofrhweiryoasfhoiwe!!!!!!!!!!!)
One study has shown that ENFPs are significantly overrepresented in psychodrama. Most have a natural propensity for role-playing and acting. (Jim Carey is an ENFP)
ENFPs like to tell funny stories, especially about their friends. This penchant may be why many are attracted to journalism. I kid one of my ENFP friends that if I want the sixth fleet to know something, I'll just tell him.
ENFPs are global learners. Close enough is satisfactory to the ENFP, which may unnerve more precise thinking types, especially with such things as piano practice ("three quarter notes or four ... what's the difference?") Amazingly, some ENFPs are adept at exacting disciplines such as mathematics.
Friends are what life is about to ENFPs, more so even than the other NFs. They hold up their end of the relationship, sometimes being victimized by less caring individuals. ENFPs are energized by being around people. Some have real difficulty being alone, especially on a regular basis.
One ENFP colleague, a social worker, had such tremendous interpersonal skills that she put her interviewers at ease during her own job interview. She had the ability to make strangers feel like old friends.
ENFPs sometimes can be blindsided by their secondary Feeling function. Hasty decisions based on deeply felt values may boil over with unpredictable results. More than one ENFP has abruptly quit a job in such a moment.
(Hey, I still want to hear any suggestions you have on "must see" movies)
Does this sound like me or what!!!
(taken from http://www.typelogic.com/enfp.html)
General: ENFPs are both "idea"-people and "people"-people, who see everyone and everything as part of an often bizarre cosmic whole. They want to both help (at least, their own definition of "help") and be liked and admired by other people, on both an individual and a humanitarian level. They are interested in new ideas on principle, but ultimately discard most of them for one reason or another.
Social/Personal Relationships: ENFPs have a great deal of zany charm, which can ingratiate them to the more stodgy types in spite of their unconventionality. They are outgoing, fun, and genuinely like people. As SOs/mates they are warm, affectionate (lots of PDA), and disconcertingly spontaneous. However, attention span in relationships can be short; ENFPs are easily intrigued and distracted by new friends and acquaintances, forgetting about the older ones for long stretches at a time. Less mature ENFPs may need to feel they are the center of attention all the time, to reassure them that everyone thinks they're a wonderful and fascinating person. (who me??)
ENFPs often have strong, if unconvential, convictions on various issues related to their Cosmic View. They usually try to use their social skills and contacts to persuade people gently of the rightness of these views; his sometimes results in their neglecting their nearest and dearest while flitting around trying to save the world. (hmmmm....ouch)
Work Environment: ENFPs are pleasant, easygoing, and usually fun to work with. They come up with great ideas, and are a major asset in brainstorming sessions. Follow through tends to be a problem, however; they tend to get bored quickly, especially if a newer, more interesting project comes along. They also tend to be procrastinators, both about meeting hard deadlines and about performing any small, uninteresting tasks that they've been assigned. ENFPs are at their most useful when working in a group w ith a J or two to take up the slack. (hahahahahahahahahahahaha)
ENFPs hate bureaucracy, both in principle and in practice; they will always make a point of launching one of their crusades against some aspect of it. ENFPs are friendly folks. Most are really enjoyable people. Some of the most soft-hearted people are ENFPs.
ENFPs have what some call a "silly switch." They can be intellectual, serious, all business for a while, but whenever they get the chance, they flip that switch and become CAPTAIN WILDCHILD, the scourge of the swimming pool, ticklers par excellence. Sometimes they may even appear intoxicated when the "switch" is flipped. (absolutely wrong in my case...asiofrhweiryoasfhoiwe!!!!!!!!!!!)
One study has shown that ENFPs are significantly overrepresented in psychodrama. Most have a natural propensity for role-playing and acting. (Jim Carey is an ENFP)
ENFPs like to tell funny stories, especially about their friends. This penchant may be why many are attracted to journalism. I kid one of my ENFP friends that if I want the sixth fleet to know something, I'll just tell him.
ENFPs are global learners. Close enough is satisfactory to the ENFP, which may unnerve more precise thinking types, especially with such things as piano practice ("three quarter notes or four ... what's the difference?") Amazingly, some ENFPs are adept at exacting disciplines such as mathematics.
Friends are what life is about to ENFPs, more so even than the other NFs. They hold up their end of the relationship, sometimes being victimized by less caring individuals. ENFPs are energized by being around people. Some have real difficulty being alone, especially on a regular basis.
One ENFP colleague, a social worker, had such tremendous interpersonal skills that she put her interviewers at ease during her own job interview. She had the ability to make strangers feel like old friends.
ENFPs sometimes can be blindsided by their secondary Feeling function. Hasty decisions based on deeply felt values may boil over with unpredictable results. More than one ENFP has abruptly quit a job in such a moment.
(Hey, I still want to hear any suggestions you have on "must see" movies)
Monday, February 28, 2005
Movies I need to see eventually:
(You're probably wondering where I've been. I don't know. I guess I have no excuse. :-)Anyway, this list is mostly for my use to help me remember because, of course, when it comes time to rent movies I always forget.)
Ray
The Aviator*
Bend it Like Beckham
Osama
Born into Brothels (documentary)
Westside Story
Super Size Me (documentary)
Bowling for Columbine (documentary)
Million Dollar Baby
The Motorcycle Diaries
Garden State
Hotel Rwanda
Bride and Prejudice*
Phantom of the Opera*
Finding Neverland
Vera Drake*
Shawshank Redemption
*optional
This is all I can remember right now. Do you have any other "must see" suggestions?
(You're probably wondering where I've been. I don't know. I guess I have no excuse. :-)Anyway, this list is mostly for my use to help me remember because, of course, when it comes time to rent movies I always forget.)
Ray
The Aviator*
Bend it Like Beckham
Osama
Born into Brothels (documentary)
Westside Story
Super Size Me (documentary)
Bowling for Columbine (documentary)
Million Dollar Baby
The Motorcycle Diaries
Garden State
Hotel Rwanda
Bride and Prejudice*
Phantom of the Opera*
Finding Neverland
Vera Drake*
Shawshank Redemption
*optional
This is all I can remember right now. Do you have any other "must see" suggestions?
Saturday, February 26, 2005
I'm constantly surrounded by newness. A new city, new roommates, a new work place, a new school, a new church. Sometimes I begin to forget what it feels like to be fully me, to fully fill my skin. I forget what it's like to be around people that laugh at my jokes, that get my humor.
I start feeling kind of hallow, a transparent ghost of my former self. My new life feels flimsy. It's like soft cement that's still taking shape and I find myself disappearing into the ambiguity of my life.
I smile and curtsy. I answer the familiar questions. We all nod with frozen smiles and contrived familiarity.
Later I'll look out the car window at the shadowy buildings of downtown LA with their tiny windows glowing like Christmas lights. I’m looking for something, perhaps longing for the warmth I see in those windows. Meanwhile I'm part shadow, part human-a somewhat formless being in the quiet corner of the backseat.
I start feeling kind of hallow, a transparent ghost of my former self. My new life feels flimsy. It's like soft cement that's still taking shape and I find myself disappearing into the ambiguity of my life.
I smile and curtsy. I answer the familiar questions. We all nod with frozen smiles and contrived familiarity.
Later I'll look out the car window at the shadowy buildings of downtown LA with their tiny windows glowing like Christmas lights. I’m looking for something, perhaps longing for the warmth I see in those windows. Meanwhile I'm part shadow, part human-a somewhat formless being in the quiet corner of the backseat.
Sunday, February 20, 2005
Damp, slightly chilled in my gram's linoleum lined house, pleasantly worn out from hours of hiking in the rain with my sis, clothed with the starchy feeling that wearing the same clothes 3 days in row gives you I ponder my meeting with Zuhra Ahmed.
Zuhra's brightly colored headscarf and clothes contrasted strangely with Starbuck's predictable, brownish decor. We talked a long time about her life as a refugee, her plan to open a childcare center for single African mothers in her small apartment. She's soft spoken, quiet, a seemingly opinionless Sudanese refugee in our Community Economic Development program but once you talk with her alone you learn the real story. She's sharp in her wit as well as in her observations.
Zuhra brought up over coffee today that our African-American marketing teacher had casually made some derogatory comments about Africa's poverty at the beginning of class yesterday. It hadn't occurred to me how this would sound to someone from Africa until she brought it up. I was slightly ashamed that I didn't give it a thought at the time.
"That lady talked negatively about Africa's villages...well, at least I know where I'm from." Zuhra waved proudly.
I smiled warmly at this comment which was somewhat inappropriate at that juncture but I couldn't help it. I liked her style, her vision, her perseverance in the face of memories and injustice I have no concept of.
Later she was drawing a family tree of sorts of Sudan's tribal/language groups. I saw the light in her eyes as she explained that Sudan has many tribes each speaking their own language but even each tribal language has clan offshoots that have their own dialect. But of course, she reminded me everyone in Sudan also speaks Arabic. She smiled as she told me she was a Kakwa, a minority group in Sudan.
As she was telling me with about her country I felt a penetrating emotion start welling up somewhere in my rib cage. Sudden emotion, empathy I 'spose hit me unexpectedly and hoped I wouldn't surprise Zuhra by breaking into tears out of the blue.
Watching her talk animatedly of the wars, the constant relocation of the African people my eyes traced the colorful embroidery on her sweater. The color rippled on and on...zipping in and out...contorting into various shapes like the African people. Torn down, ripped apart but constantly regrouping, colorful despite it all. And I fought off the urge to cry at the depravity of a continent constantly convulsing with war, poverty, and injustice.
Zuhra's brightly colored headscarf and clothes contrasted strangely with Starbuck's predictable, brownish decor. We talked a long time about her life as a refugee, her plan to open a childcare center for single African mothers in her small apartment. She's soft spoken, quiet, a seemingly opinionless Sudanese refugee in our Community Economic Development program but once you talk with her alone you learn the real story. She's sharp in her wit as well as in her observations.
Zuhra brought up over coffee today that our African-American marketing teacher had casually made some derogatory comments about Africa's poverty at the beginning of class yesterday. It hadn't occurred to me how this would sound to someone from Africa until she brought it up. I was slightly ashamed that I didn't give it a thought at the time.
"That lady talked negatively about Africa's villages...well, at least I know where I'm from." Zuhra waved proudly.
I smiled warmly at this comment which was somewhat inappropriate at that juncture but I couldn't help it. I liked her style, her vision, her perseverance in the face of memories and injustice I have no concept of.
Later she was drawing a family tree of sorts of Sudan's tribal/language groups. I saw the light in her eyes as she explained that Sudan has many tribes each speaking their own language but even each tribal language has clan offshoots that have their own dialect. But of course, she reminded me everyone in Sudan also speaks Arabic. She smiled as she told me she was a Kakwa, a minority group in Sudan.
As she was telling me with about her country I felt a penetrating emotion start welling up somewhere in my rib cage. Sudden emotion, empathy I 'spose hit me unexpectedly and hoped I wouldn't surprise Zuhra by breaking into tears out of the blue.
Watching her talk animatedly of the wars, the constant relocation of the African people my eyes traced the colorful embroidery on her sweater. The color rippled on and on...zipping in and out...contorting into various shapes like the African people. Torn down, ripped apart but constantly regrouping, colorful despite it all. And I fought off the urge to cry at the depravity of a continent constantly convulsing with war, poverty, and injustice.
Saturday, February 19, 2005
Funny things Jewliet has said recently:
(Joshua says lots of funny stuff also but I can't remember any of it right now)
Jewl (4 and half...she won't let you forget the half) and Joshua (3 years old) in the car with auntie Joyce:
auntie Joyce: ah man, I forgot my laundry!
Jewliet: auntie Joyce why'd you say, "ah man!"
auntie Joyce: Because I forget things a lot.
Jewliet: me too (sympathetically)
auntie Joyce: haaahahahaa, you do? What have you forgotten?
Jewliet: I forget my toys....and I forgot my backpack on the cruise boat. (she went on a Disney cruise in Dec. with her family)
auntie Joyce: hahahaha...(more discussion about the cruise boats and lost backpacks)
Mommy and daddy's date night/baby-sitting duty for auntie Joyce...
Good night prayer time with Joshua and Jewliet:
Snippets of Jewliet's prayer...
Dear Jesus...
I love mommy and daddy.
I love Joshua.
I love myself... (stifled laughter from auntie Joyce)
I love the beautiful trees and the sky is very beautiful.
Amen
(Joshua says lots of funny stuff also but I can't remember any of it right now)
Jewl (4 and half...she won't let you forget the half) and Joshua (3 years old) in the car with auntie Joyce:
auntie Joyce: ah man, I forgot my laundry!
Jewliet: auntie Joyce why'd you say, "ah man!"
auntie Joyce: Because I forget things a lot.
Jewliet: me too (sympathetically)
auntie Joyce: haaahahahaa, you do? What have you forgotten?
Jewliet: I forget my toys....and I forgot my backpack on the cruise boat. (she went on a Disney cruise in Dec. with her family)
auntie Joyce: hahahaha...(more discussion about the cruise boats and lost backpacks)
Mommy and daddy's date night/baby-sitting duty for auntie Joyce...
Good night prayer time with Joshua and Jewliet:
Snippets of Jewliet's prayer...
Dear Jesus...
I love mommy and daddy.
I love Joshua.
I love myself... (stifled laughter from auntie Joyce)
I love the beautiful trees and the sky is very beautiful.
Amen
Monday, February 14, 2005
By the way, I'm also in a web-design class in addition to my grad classes. You know me I can't keep this web-design thing out of my system. So I found a web-design class at a community college kind of near my house. So far it's hilarious. It's like taking a web-design class taught by Bill Murray.
Here's an example:
Reading through syllabus...
Reading rote from syllabus, "3 absences equal an F."
Aside seriously to the class, "If you don't come to class, you can't use the computer and then you can't use the programs. Unless you have them at home but if you have them at home then don't come bother me in class."
Reading rote from syllabus, "Come to all classes."
Aside to the class, "Once you get the hang of the class you'll want to come anyway. And plus we're going to start making brownies during class and we'll work with gooey keyboards."
If anyone new walks into the class, he abruptly asks, "Who are you?!"
At one point one of the students confessed to him as he was walking around the computer's checking on work that they were "lost". To which he calmly replied, "Well, you're on 12432 Overland St., West LA City College." haha
He totally has that random, deadpan humor. Actually, now that I come to think of it he actually looks a little like Bill Murray, too.
I can't even capture how funny and random this guy is. The people in the class make the whole situation even more humorous. Most of them just sit there clueless what to do with this guy's random, straight-faced humor and that strikes me as even more hilarious.
Here's an example:
Reading through syllabus...
Reading rote from syllabus, "3 absences equal an F."
Aside seriously to the class, "If you don't come to class, you can't use the computer and then you can't use the programs. Unless you have them at home but if you have them at home then don't come bother me in class."
Reading rote from syllabus, "Come to all classes."
Aside to the class, "Once you get the hang of the class you'll want to come anyway. And plus we're going to start making brownies during class and we'll work with gooey keyboards."
If anyone new walks into the class, he abruptly asks, "Who are you?!"
At one point one of the students confessed to him as he was walking around the computer's checking on work that they were "lost". To which he calmly replied, "Well, you're on 12432 Overland St., West LA City College." haha
He totally has that random, deadpan humor. Actually, now that I come to think of it he actually looks a little like Bill Murray, too.
I can't even capture how funny and random this guy is. The people in the class make the whole situation even more humorous. Most of them just sit there clueless what to do with this guy's random, straight-faced humor and that strikes me as even more hilarious.
Thursday, February 10, 2005
Good news: Did well in my model lesson. Had fun with the students. Hopefully will start making some mooola! Went to a cool Mosaic small group and met some cool people. Finally, got a charger so I can now resurrect my sleeping cell phone.
BAD news: Received 2 parking tickets in the past two days!!!!!!!! AHHHHHHH! Like I'm some millionaire that can afford to donate big bucks to LA county! RahhhhhhR!
BAD news: Received 2 parking tickets in the past two days!!!!!!!! AHHHHHHH! Like I'm some millionaire that can afford to donate big bucks to LA county! RahhhhhhR!
Wednesday, February 09, 2005
I just got back from my 45 minutes to an hour commute back from school. So far I don't mind it too much except that it uses a lot of gas. I mostly space out listening to NPR or rocking out to star98.7. I am known for being privy to long drives alone with my thoughts and this commute is not proving to be an exception.
I went to an interview for a language institute job downtown this morning. I almost didn't make it there on time with the traffic being worse than I had anticipated not to mention missing a turn.
The director seemed nice and we got along quite well. I had to describe how I would teach various lessons. I need to get over this weird pride thing I have. I felt almost insulted at times by his questions. "Of course, I know that. Do you think I'm some nitwit ESL teacher? What kind of teachers do you have coming in here anyway?" Thankfully, I didn't say any of those things nor (amazingly) show them in my face.
He seemed very satisfied by my answers and said I seemed to know what I was talking about. Then I had to take a grammar and English usage quiz. Which once again I was secretly insulted by. I'm snobbishly happy to say that I aced it except for some tricky sentence graphing including "abbreviated adjective clauses".
I now have to give a sample lesson tomorrow with the director and curriculum coordinator watching. Hmmm...a little scary. Teaching in front of evaluative people is always unnerving. But on one hand I figure what do I have to lose. Just go in there and do what I know to do and if they don't like me "oh well" it's not like this is my dream job.
Thursday, February 03, 2005
Joshua looking at himself in the mirror shyly. We laughed ourselves silly when he did this. It was so cute.
Joshua's B-day
I was cleaning up the files on my computer earlier and realized that I never posted some of these cute pics cuz they were on my sister's computer. So just thought I'd catch you up on some cute pics of Halloween and Joshua's B-day.
Wednesday, February 02, 2005
Had my first class yesterday. It was good. Intercultural Com. for Teachers. There were times when I felt like I was going to explode because I had had so many experiences concerning the case studies we were going through.
I didn't want to seem like the overeager know-it-all so I was trying to clamp my mouth shut because even when I clamp my mouth shut I still end up saying a lot. :-)
It was interesting to be in class again after being a teacher for a couple years. Remembering once again how scary teachers actually are. Not that my prof. is unkind but she is an authority figure that has power over me through grades. As a teacher I'm usually on the other end of that dynamic and I so easily forget what it feels like to be on the student side.
As for me, I always desperately want my teachers to like me but often feel that they don't for unsubstantiated reasons. I remember one student in Korea that came up to me with his friend after a couple classes and asked me with a sad face why I didn't like him. I was, of course, flabbergasted. "Not like you! Of course, I like you. Why would you think that?"
I think he shrugged his shoulders with a smile. I had confirmed that I liked him and that was enough for him. I remember being concerned about that especially because I knew exactly how he felt. *smile* Now here I am in the same situation. But I think I'll just deal with that child inside between me and God instead of asking my profs. if they like me. :-)
Oh yeah, the real reason I'm writing. Ever since I moved to the concrete jungle I've had the uncanny feeling that when I'm in my bathroom I smell chlorine. I wish I could say I smell it because I compulsively clean my bathroom. haha Yup, I think my shower water has a high percentage of chlorine and who knows what else. Yeah, so I can't get over the feeling that I'm taking toxic showers.
I have really sensitive skin so even if I move to a new city that has great water (like Portland) my skin usually gets irritated until it adjusts to the new water. But this time I suspect it's more than my skin adjusting it's that the water is nasty.
So I'm taking action. I've heard of filters for showers because some people argue even if you don't live in LA water has too much chlorine in it. And our skin absorbs more of it through showers than our drinking water. Does anybody know about good shower filters? Here's what I've found so far. Let me know if you know anything about this.
Off to class...
I didn't want to seem like the overeager know-it-all so I was trying to clamp my mouth shut because even when I clamp my mouth shut I still end up saying a lot. :-)
It was interesting to be in class again after being a teacher for a couple years. Remembering once again how scary teachers actually are. Not that my prof. is unkind but she is an authority figure that has power over me through grades. As a teacher I'm usually on the other end of that dynamic and I so easily forget what it feels like to be on the student side.
As for me, I always desperately want my teachers to like me but often feel that they don't for unsubstantiated reasons. I remember one student in Korea that came up to me with his friend after a couple classes and asked me with a sad face why I didn't like him. I was, of course, flabbergasted. "Not like you! Of course, I like you. Why would you think that?"
I think he shrugged his shoulders with a smile. I had confirmed that I liked him and that was enough for him. I remember being concerned about that especially because I knew exactly how he felt. *smile* Now here I am in the same situation. But I think I'll just deal with that child inside between me and God instead of asking my profs. if they like me. :-)
Oh yeah, the real reason I'm writing. Ever since I moved to the concrete jungle I've had the uncanny feeling that when I'm in my bathroom I smell chlorine. I wish I could say I smell it because I compulsively clean my bathroom. haha Yup, I think my shower water has a high percentage of chlorine and who knows what else. Yeah, so I can't get over the feeling that I'm taking toxic showers.
I have really sensitive skin so even if I move to a new city that has great water (like Portland) my skin usually gets irritated until it adjusts to the new water. But this time I suspect it's more than my skin adjusting it's that the water is nasty.
So I'm taking action. I've heard of filters for showers because some people argue even if you don't live in LA water has too much chlorine in it. And our skin absorbs more of it through showers than our drinking water. Does anybody know about good shower filters? Here's what I've found so far. Let me know if you know anything about this.
Off to class...
Tuesday, February 01, 2005
I'm standing on the edge of the eve of my first day of school and still savoring the sweetness of yesterday. Sandy's wedding has turned out to be a fountain of connections. Everyone I've met or hung out with in this last week has been somehow connected to her or her wedding.
Yesterday I went to church with James, one of the former groomsmen. I got his email only a couple hours before the night service he had asked me to go to. I had heard of Mosaic and had been inclined to think it wouldn't be my type of church.
Boy, was I pleasantly surprised. It did have the rock-star facade I had suspected but it had the substance to support it. A lot of churches mistakenly focus on outward appearances such as jamming worship and spitting, frantic speakers and overlook what really drives a church-substance. Substance shown in the preaching of the Word, substance in the lives of the people.
I've visited many churches in my short lifetime but I can't remember going to a church where the people were this welcoming. Of course, it probably helped that James and his friend Mark were introducing me to everyone they know which seemed like everyone. :-)
After church we went out to dinner with around 20 people from the church. One of the things striking things about the church is how diverse it is culturally and ethnically. You see everything from punks to professionals of any color walking around with big smiles on their faces.
Well, I don't want to jump the gun and say I'm making this my home church in LA. I'm going to pray about it and keep on going. But I'm excited about the prospect that God may have answered "yes" when I prayed, "Please God, this time can I find a home church right away?!" Usually, when I move to a new place it takes me forever to feel at home in a church.
Oh and by the way, check out some of the new links I've posted.
Probably because of the influence of the U2 concert frenzy I've been listening to U2 a lot lately. I love this song. His questioning, his pain and hope really resonate (I'm pretty sure he wrote this song after 9/11)...
Peace On Earth
Heaven on Earth
We need it now
I'm sick of all of this
Hanging around
Sick of sorrow
Sick of pain
Sick of hearing again and again
That there's gonna be
Peace on Earth
Where I grew up
There weren't many trees
Where there was we'd tear them down
And use them on our enemies
They say that what you mock
Will surely overtake you
And you become a monster
So the monster will not break you
It's already gone too far
Who said that if you go in hard
You won't get hurt
Jesus could you take the time
To throw a drowning man a line
Peace on Earth
Tell the ones who hear no sound
Whose sons are living in the ground
Peace on Earth
No whos or whys
No-one cries like a mother cries
For peace on Earth
She never got to say goodbye
To see the colour in his eyes
Now he's in the dirt
Peace on Earth
They're reading names out over the radio
All the folks the rest of us won't get to know
Sean and Julia, Gareth, Ann and Breda
Their lives are bigger, than any big idea
Jesus can you take the time
To throw a drowning man a line
Peace on Earth
To tell the ones who hear no sound
Whose sons are living in the ground
Peace on Earth
Jesus this song you wrote
The words are sticking in my throat
Peace on Earth
Hear it every Christmas time
But hope and history won't rhyme
So what's it worth?
This peace on Earth
Peace on Earth
Peace on Earth
Peace on Earth
Yesterday I went to church with James, one of the former groomsmen. I got his email only a couple hours before the night service he had asked me to go to. I had heard of Mosaic and had been inclined to think it wouldn't be my type of church.
Boy, was I pleasantly surprised. It did have the rock-star facade I had suspected but it had the substance to support it. A lot of churches mistakenly focus on outward appearances such as jamming worship and spitting, frantic speakers and overlook what really drives a church-substance. Substance shown in the preaching of the Word, substance in the lives of the people.
I've visited many churches in my short lifetime but I can't remember going to a church where the people were this welcoming. Of course, it probably helped that James and his friend Mark were introducing me to everyone they know which seemed like everyone. :-)
After church we went out to dinner with around 20 people from the church. One of the things striking things about the church is how diverse it is culturally and ethnically. You see everything from punks to professionals of any color walking around with big smiles on their faces.
Well, I don't want to jump the gun and say I'm making this my home church in LA. I'm going to pray about it and keep on going. But I'm excited about the prospect that God may have answered "yes" when I prayed, "Please God, this time can I find a home church right away?!" Usually, when I move to a new place it takes me forever to feel at home in a church.
Oh and by the way, check out some of the new links I've posted.
Probably because of the influence of the U2 concert frenzy I've been listening to U2 a lot lately. I love this song. His questioning, his pain and hope really resonate (I'm pretty sure he wrote this song after 9/11)...
Peace On Earth
Heaven on Earth
We need it now
I'm sick of all of this
Hanging around
Sick of sorrow
Sick of pain
Sick of hearing again and again
That there's gonna be
Peace on Earth
Where I grew up
There weren't many trees
Where there was we'd tear them down
And use them on our enemies
They say that what you mock
Will surely overtake you
And you become a monster
So the monster will not break you
It's already gone too far
Who said that if you go in hard
You won't get hurt
Jesus could you take the time
To throw a drowning man a line
Peace on Earth
Tell the ones who hear no sound
Whose sons are living in the ground
Peace on Earth
No whos or whys
No-one cries like a mother cries
For peace on Earth
She never got to say goodbye
To see the colour in his eyes
Now he's in the dirt
Peace on Earth
They're reading names out over the radio
All the folks the rest of us won't get to know
Sean and Julia, Gareth, Ann and Breda
Their lives are bigger, than any big idea
Jesus can you take the time
To throw a drowning man a line
Peace on Earth
To tell the ones who hear no sound
Whose sons are living in the ground
Peace on Earth
Jesus this song you wrote
The words are sticking in my throat
Peace on Earth
Hear it every Christmas time
But hope and history won't rhyme
So what's it worth?
This peace on Earth
Peace on Earth
Peace on Earth
Peace on Earth
Wednesday, January 26, 2005
U2 is going to be in LA in April. Man, I wish I could go to that concert. Just costs 190.00 for a nose bleed seat.
Does anyone want to go with me? ...and pay for my ticket, too? :-)
I rambled around my kitchen this morning with the distinct feeling that I had been engrossed in a very intense conversation, that I had been very involved in something but I couldn't remember what it was. Which, of course, must have been my dreams.
I had a weird one right before I got up. ha,ha I've started setting my alarm to radio, so when my alarm goes off I hear the sudden booming voices of NPR.
This morning there was a story titled something like, "What do neo-conservatives and environmentalists have in common?" It was a story of one prominent Republican’s commitment to having an electric-gas hybrid car.
But suddenly in my dream I was with a bunch of Portland-like hippies carrying grain and supplies into an African hut. Apparently, we were on a relief mission. As we were all laboring carrying heavy sacks Dick Cheney was following us around spouting this long spiel about why he got a hybrid car.
When I finally heard someone say, "Thank you, blah-blah, for talking with us today" (not Dick Cheney) my mind started to drift towards consciousness.
Does anyone want to go with me? ...and pay for my ticket, too? :-)
I rambled around my kitchen this morning with the distinct feeling that I had been engrossed in a very intense conversation, that I had been very involved in something but I couldn't remember what it was. Which, of course, must have been my dreams.
I had a weird one right before I got up. ha,ha I've started setting my alarm to radio, so when my alarm goes off I hear the sudden booming voices of NPR.
This morning there was a story titled something like, "What do neo-conservatives and environmentalists have in common?" It was a story of one prominent Republican’s commitment to having an electric-gas hybrid car.
But suddenly in my dream I was with a bunch of Portland-like hippies carrying grain and supplies into an African hut. Apparently, we were on a relief mission. As we were all laboring carrying heavy sacks Dick Cheney was following us around spouting this long spiel about why he got a hybrid car.
When I finally heard someone say, "Thank you, blah-blah, for talking with us today" (not Dick Cheney) my mind started to drift towards consciousness.
mishmash
Listened to an interview with Jim Wallis, author of God's Politics: Why the Right gets it Wrong and the Left Doesn't Get It and editior of Sojourners Magazine today. Very, very interesting. I agree with a great deal of what he said. I HIGHLY recommend that you listen to this interview for a refreshing voice in the Evangelical community.
If you're more of a TV kind of person here's Jim Wallis on the Daily Show. (however, the radio interview is more in depth)
On a different note, while I was watching the Daily Show on Comedy Central I also looked at their other videos. Their "Top 5 Bush Inauguration Videos" were really funny. Especially "Black Bush" and "Speechalist" (Warning: Black Bush has way too much profanity (thankfully it's beeped out), however, if you can get past that it's really funny.)
The sad thing about the "Speechalist" video is that I totally relate to Bush because when I'm nervous I mess my words all up, too.
Philip Johnson, a famous architect died yesterday. Check out his most acclaimed building called the "Glass House". Amazing-isn't it? Never seen anything quite like it. It was actually the house he built for himself.
Listened to an interview with Jim Wallis, author of God's Politics: Why the Right gets it Wrong and the Left Doesn't Get It and editior of Sojourners Magazine today. Very, very interesting. I agree with a great deal of what he said. I HIGHLY recommend that you listen to this interview for a refreshing voice in the Evangelical community.
If you're more of a TV kind of person here's Jim Wallis on the Daily Show. (however, the radio interview is more in depth)
On a different note, while I was watching the Daily Show on Comedy Central I also looked at their other videos. Their "Top 5 Bush Inauguration Videos" were really funny. Especially "Black Bush" and "Speechalist" (Warning: Black Bush has way too much profanity (thankfully it's beeped out), however, if you can get past that it's really funny.)
The sad thing about the "Speechalist" video is that I totally relate to Bush because when I'm nervous I mess my words all up, too.
Philip Johnson, a famous architect died yesterday. Check out his most acclaimed building called the "Glass House". Amazing-isn't it? Never seen anything quite like it. It was actually the house he built for himself.
Saturday, January 22, 2005
Saw "House of Flying Daggers" tonight. It was good but lacked the well-woven plot of Crouching Tiger.
My sis got in an argument with a girl and her boyfriend sitting a seat away from us in the theater. That was crazy...apparently we were whispering too loudly. But if you ask me both June and that girl were way too combative.
Actually, it seemed that whole theater was full of interesting characters. Four rows ahead of us a pair of girls yelled out, "yes!" when what seemed like a sex scene started (unfortunately for those girls it was cut short) Then later in the movie some older guys behind us started talking loudly and laughing in an intense moment. The audience was also more reactive in surprise scenes than normal.
At one point I looked at my sister and whispered that this crowd was wacko...of course, hoping that girl wouldn't go off on me for whispering again. :-)
I'm in SD right now because I have to finish the Community Economic Development program I'm in. So I'll be coming back to SD every other weekend until April.
I've just gotten settled in LA. It took me a while to gather the furniture I needed and now I've finally got all my stuff off the floor. I have my orientation next week and I don't start classes until the 31st.
So I still feel like my life is in slow motion just punctuated by cleaning and moving. The month before I left SD I was cleaning and decorating my grams house. And now I'm cleaning and organizing again. To be honest, I just feel like my life is never going to have the same sense of meaning again. Seems like it's just a never-ending river of mundane nothingness.
Part of me wishes that the audience of my blog wasn't so big (big for me). It's definitely expanded beyond my close friends. That's cool and everything but I guess I write this blog like I'm talking to really close friends. The knowledge that people I don't know are reading sometimes taints my view of my entries....instead of seeing them in light of the meaning I intend I start to look at them the way others might perceive them. But oh well, I think I have to blog that way and if I look like a big whiner...well, that's probably true anyway. :-)
By the way, I'm going to be writing people back from my back-logged emails now that I know where my underwear is.
My sis got in an argument with a girl and her boyfriend sitting a seat away from us in the theater. That was crazy...apparently we were whispering too loudly. But if you ask me both June and that girl were way too combative.
Actually, it seemed that whole theater was full of interesting characters. Four rows ahead of us a pair of girls yelled out, "yes!" when what seemed like a sex scene started (unfortunately for those girls it was cut short) Then later in the movie some older guys behind us started talking loudly and laughing in an intense moment. The audience was also more reactive in surprise scenes than normal.
At one point I looked at my sister and whispered that this crowd was wacko...of course, hoping that girl wouldn't go off on me for whispering again. :-)
I'm in SD right now because I have to finish the Community Economic Development program I'm in. So I'll be coming back to SD every other weekend until April.
I've just gotten settled in LA. It took me a while to gather the furniture I needed and now I've finally got all my stuff off the floor. I have my orientation next week and I don't start classes until the 31st.
So I still feel like my life is in slow motion just punctuated by cleaning and moving. The month before I left SD I was cleaning and decorating my grams house. And now I'm cleaning and organizing again. To be honest, I just feel like my life is never going to have the same sense of meaning again. Seems like it's just a never-ending river of mundane nothingness.
Part of me wishes that the audience of my blog wasn't so big (big for me). It's definitely expanded beyond my close friends. That's cool and everything but I guess I write this blog like I'm talking to really close friends. The knowledge that people I don't know are reading sometimes taints my view of my entries....instead of seeing them in light of the meaning I intend I start to look at them the way others might perceive them. But oh well, I think I have to blog that way and if I look like a big whiner...well, that's probably true anyway. :-)
By the way, I'm going to be writing people back from my back-logged emails now that I know where my underwear is.
Wednesday, January 12, 2005
I'm on the move!
Yup, I'm driving up to LA tomorrow (technically today) with my car stuffed full of my loosely boxed clothes and stuff. That's one of the many weird things about moving to a city so close. I don't really have to pack my stuff up in boxes and suitcases. Definitely not the way I have to if I'm moving to another state or country. I've never lived this close to San Diego. It's going to be different to be able to say, "I'm going to San Diego for the weekend."
By the way, for those that I haven't emailed back. I haven't forgotten...I'm going to email soon!
Yup, I'm driving up to LA tomorrow (technically today) with my car stuffed full of my loosely boxed clothes and stuff. That's one of the many weird things about moving to a city so close. I don't really have to pack my stuff up in boxes and suitcases. Definitely not the way I have to if I'm moving to another state or country. I've never lived this close to San Diego. It's going to be different to be able to say, "I'm going to San Diego for the weekend."
By the way, for those that I haven't emailed back. I haven't forgotten...I'm going to email soon!
Thursday, January 06, 2005
Didn't want to share this while I was in a grumpy mood but I can't sleep. So here I am. I'm grumpy because my grandma and uncle are making me crazy! They are so overly independent. They think they don't need anybody, that they're just dandy on their own. Well, they are SO wrong.
This next announcement is not directly related to my late night grumpiness. Are you ready? Are you sitting down?
I'm moving to LA in the next two weeks.....to start my M.A. in Intercultural Studies at Biola University.
Surprise! And it was kind of a surprise to me, too. It all came together rather quickly. Another pleasant surprise is that I'm going to be living with Margaret whom I had only met briefly at Sandy's wedding and bridal shower.
It's funny because even while we were in Korea Sandy would tell me that I had to read Margaret's xanga because Margaret and I had so much in common. Unfortunately, I didn't heed Sandy's advice until after the wedding when I read her ad for a roommate in LA on her xanga. However, at that time I had no plan to go to Biola this semester. Yet I kept reading her site and to be honest (don't be embarrassed, Margaret) I was so fascinated by her thoughts and realized that Sandy was so right.
So long story short about 3 weeks ago I met my future roommates Annie and Margaret over some Japanese food. We were all three so amazed at how similar our passions are. (Annie will be starting her M.A. in Intercultural Studies at Fuller next semester.)
So meanwhile I'm trying to prepare my grandma and uncle to have someone live with them but that's getting sticky. I'm also redecorating and putting up pictures like a mad woman. Within the next couple days I'm going to start packing up my stuff to drive it up to LA.
To be honest, now that going to Biola is a reality I'm feeling more fear about going back to school. It's been a long time. I guess I just feel nervous about everything. Starting over in a new city, feeling afraid that the dull meaninglessness I've felt here in SD is going to somehow follow me wherever I go.
Ro and I were talking on the phone the other day about our next semesters. Both her and I have struggled with a dull, lifeless boredom swallowing up our lives. However, she shared with me how she eventually reached a breaking point and came to an understanding with God about what He was doing in her life. And ya know, that understanding is so key-isn't it? It's usually the beginning of the end of a lesson God is teaching you.
I realized when she was telling me this that I hadn't come to that point of understanding yet. I know in my mind and even believe in my heart that God truly loves me and is involved in my life. But I have often felt this semester that God has left me to my own devices, that He isn't guiding me but is just letting me wander blindly even though I have semi-consistently called out to Him.
Reaching an understanding is not necessarily having my questions answered or knowing God's reasons but is having peace despite not having those answers. I'm not there yet but I look forward to the maturity I'll have hopefully gained through this.
This next announcement is not directly related to my late night grumpiness. Are you ready? Are you sitting down?
I'm moving to LA in the next two weeks.....to start my M.A. in Intercultural Studies at Biola University.
Surprise! And it was kind of a surprise to me, too. It all came together rather quickly. Another pleasant surprise is that I'm going to be living with Margaret whom I had only met briefly at Sandy's wedding and bridal shower.
It's funny because even while we were in Korea Sandy would tell me that I had to read Margaret's xanga because Margaret and I had so much in common. Unfortunately, I didn't heed Sandy's advice until after the wedding when I read her ad for a roommate in LA on her xanga. However, at that time I had no plan to go to Biola this semester. Yet I kept reading her site and to be honest (don't be embarrassed, Margaret) I was so fascinated by her thoughts and realized that Sandy was so right.
So long story short about 3 weeks ago I met my future roommates Annie and Margaret over some Japanese food. We were all three so amazed at how similar our passions are. (Annie will be starting her M.A. in Intercultural Studies at Fuller next semester.)
So meanwhile I'm trying to prepare my grandma and uncle to have someone live with them but that's getting sticky. I'm also redecorating and putting up pictures like a mad woman. Within the next couple days I'm going to start packing up my stuff to drive it up to LA.
To be honest, now that going to Biola is a reality I'm feeling more fear about going back to school. It's been a long time. I guess I just feel nervous about everything. Starting over in a new city, feeling afraid that the dull meaninglessness I've felt here in SD is going to somehow follow me wherever I go.
Ro and I were talking on the phone the other day about our next semesters. Both her and I have struggled with a dull, lifeless boredom swallowing up our lives. However, she shared with me how she eventually reached a breaking point and came to an understanding with God about what He was doing in her life. And ya know, that understanding is so key-isn't it? It's usually the beginning of the end of a lesson God is teaching you.
I realized when she was telling me this that I hadn't come to that point of understanding yet. I know in my mind and even believe in my heart that God truly loves me and is involved in my life. But I have often felt this semester that God has left me to my own devices, that He isn't guiding me but is just letting me wander blindly even though I have semi-consistently called out to Him.
Reaching an understanding is not necessarily having my questions answered or knowing God's reasons but is having peace despite not having those answers. I'm not there yet but I look forward to the maturity I'll have hopefully gained through this.
Sunday, January 02, 2005
It's 2005. Wow. 10 years since I graduated from high school. 5 years since I graduated from college.
Wow
Some 2005 hopes and prayers...
Speedy restoration and relief as well as hope in Christ for survivors in South East Asia
Stability and self-rule in Iraq
(this one's a stretch but I want to hope anyway) A Nelson Mandela type to replace Arafat as the leader of the Palestinian people
My niece accepted into the Spanish/English immersion elementary school
All my Uzbek friends to know the Lord
My mother to find peace of mind and peace with God
To move a couple more feet away from my one-dimensional understanding of God and closer to knowing the depths of His character and love
Find an awesome church and community in the US of A
All my friends to prosper in all the right ways
Greater maturity and depth as well as more self-acceptance
Learn how to make a website for myself and my students
Mentor inner city/refugee youth
Fall in love with my partner in life and ministry
Wow
Some 2005 hopes and prayers...
Speedy restoration and relief as well as hope in Christ for survivors in South East Asia
Stability and self-rule in Iraq
(this one's a stretch but I want to hope anyway) A Nelson Mandela type to replace Arafat as the leader of the Palestinian people
My niece accepted into the Spanish/English immersion elementary school
All my Uzbek friends to know the Lord
My mother to find peace of mind and peace with God
To move a couple more feet away from my one-dimensional understanding of God and closer to knowing the depths of His character and love
Find an awesome church and community in the US of A
All my friends to prosper in all the right ways
Greater maturity and depth as well as more self-acceptance
Learn how to make a website for myself and my students
Mentor inner city/refugee youth
Fall in love with my partner in life and ministry
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