Damp, slightly chilled in my gram's linoleum lined house, pleasantly worn out from hours of hiking in the rain with my sis, clothed with the starchy feeling that wearing the same clothes 3 days in row gives you I ponder my meeting with Zuhra Ahmed.

Zuhra's brightly colored headscarf and clothes contrasted strangely with Starbuck's predictable, brownish decor. We talked a long time about her life as a refugee, her plan to open a childcare center for single African mothers in her small apartment. She's soft spoken, quiet, a seemingly opinionless Sudanese refugee in our Community Economic Development program but once you talk with her alone you learn the real story. She's sharp in her wit as well as in her observations.

Zuhra brought up over coffee today that our African-American marketing teacher had casually made some derogatory comments about Africa's poverty at the beginning of class yesterday. It hadn't occurred to me how this would sound to someone from Africa until she brought it up. I was slightly ashamed that I didn't give it a thought at the time.

"That lady talked negatively about Africa's villages...well, at least I know where I'm from." Zuhra waved proudly.

I smiled warmly at this comment which was somewhat inappropriate at that juncture but I couldn't help it. I liked her style, her vision, her perseverance in the face of memories and injustice I have no concept of.

Later she was drawing a family tree of sorts of Sudan's tribal/language groups. I saw the light in her eyes as she explained that Sudan has many tribes each speaking their own language but even each tribal language has clan offshoots that have their own dialect. But of course, she reminded me everyone in Sudan also speaks Arabic. She smiled as she told me she was a Kakwa, a minority group in Sudan.

As she was telling me with about her country I felt a penetrating emotion start welling up somewhere in my rib cage. Sudden emotion, empathy I 'spose hit me unexpectedly and hoped I wouldn't surprise Zuhra by breaking into tears out of the blue.

Watching her talk animatedly of the wars, the constant relocation of the African people my eyes traced the colorful embroidery on her sweater. The color rippled on and on...zipping in and out...contorting into various shapes like the African people. Torn down, ripped apart but constantly regrouping, colorful despite it all. And I fought off the urge to cry at the depravity of a continent constantly convulsing with war, poverty, and injustice.

Funny things Jewliet has said recently:
(Joshua says lots of funny stuff also but I can't remember any of it right now)

Jewl (4 and half...she won't let you forget the half) and Joshua (3 years old) in the car with auntie Joyce:

auntie Joyce: ah man, I forgot my laundry!
Jewliet: auntie Joyce why'd you say, "ah man!"
auntie Joyce: Because I forget things a lot.
Jewliet: me too (sympathetically)
auntie Joyce: haaahahahaa, you do? What have you forgotten?
Jewliet: I forget my toys....and I forgot my backpack on the cruise boat. (she went on a Disney cruise in Dec. with her family)
auntie Joyce: hahahaha...(more discussion about the cruise boats and lost backpacks)

Mommy and daddy's date night/baby-sitting duty for auntie Joyce...

Good night prayer time with Joshua and Jewliet:
Snippets of Jewliet's prayer...

Dear Jesus...
I love mommy and daddy.
I love Joshua.
I love myself... (stifled laughter from auntie Joyce)

I love the beautiful trees and the sky is very beautiful.
Amen

By the way, I'm also in a web-design class in addition to my grad classes. You know me I can't keep this web-design thing out of my system. So I found a web-design class at a community college kind of near my house. So far it's hilarious. It's like taking a web-design class taught by Bill Murray.

Here's an example:

Reading through syllabus...

Reading rote from syllabus, "3 absences equal an F."

Aside seriously to the class, "If you don't come to class, you can't use the computer and then you can't use the programs. Unless you have them at home but if you have them at home then don't come bother me in class."

Reading rote from syllabus, "Come to all classes."

Aside to the class, "Once you get the hang of the class you'll want to come anyway. And plus we're going to start making brownies during class and we'll work with gooey keyboards."

If anyone new walks into the class, he abruptly asks, "Who are you?!"

At one point one of the students confessed to him as he was walking around the computer's checking on work that they were "lost". To which he calmly replied, "Well, you're on 12432 Overland St., West LA City College." haha

He totally has that random, deadpan humor. Actually, now that I come to think of it he actually looks a little like Bill Murray, too.

I can't even capture how funny and random this guy is. The people in the class make the whole situation even more humorous. Most of them just sit there clueless what to do with this guy's random, straight-faced humor and that strikes me as even more hilarious.

Good news: Did well in my model lesson. Had fun with the students. Hopefully will start making some mooola! Went to a cool Mosaic small group and met some cool people. Finally, got a charger so I can now resurrect my sleeping cell phone.

BAD news: Received 2 parking tickets in the past two days!!!!!!!! AHHHHHHH! Like I'm some millionaire that can afford to donate big bucks to LA county! RahhhhhhR!

I just got back from my 45 minutes to an hour commute back from school. So far I don't mind it too much except that it uses a lot of gas. I mostly space out listening to NPR or rocking out to star98.7. I am known for being privy to long drives alone with my thoughts and this commute is not proving to be an exception.

I went to an interview for a language institute job downtown this morning. I almost didn't make it there on time with the traffic being worse than I had anticipated not to mention missing a turn.

The director seemed nice and we got along quite well. I had to describe how I would teach various lessons. I need to get over this weird pride thing I have. I felt almost insulted at times by his questions. "Of course, I know that. Do you think I'm some nitwit ESL teacher? What kind of teachers do you have coming in here anyway?" Thankfully, I didn't say any of those things nor (amazingly) show them in my face.

He seemed very satisfied by my answers and said I seemed to know what I was talking about. Then I had to take a grammar and English usage quiz. Which once again I was secretly insulted by. I'm snobbishly happy to say that I aced it except for some tricky sentence graphing including "abbreviated adjective clauses".

I now have to give a sample lesson tomorrow with the director and curriculum coordinator watching. Hmmm...a little scary. Teaching in front of evaluative people is always unnerving. But on one hand I figure what do I have to lose. Just go in there and do what I know to do and if they don't like me "oh well" it's not like this is my dream job.

Joshua looking at himself in the mirror shyly. We laughed ourselves silly when he did this. It was so cute.

Joshua's B-day

I was cleaning up the files on my computer earlier and realized that I never posted some of these cute pics cuz they were on my sister's computer. So just thought I'd catch you up on some cute pics of Halloween and Joshua's B-day.

Had my first class yesterday. It was good. Intercultural Com. for Teachers. There were times when I felt like I was going to explode because I had had so many experiences concerning the case studies we were going through.

I didn't want to seem like the overeager know-it-all so I was trying to clamp my mouth shut because even when I clamp my mouth shut I still end up saying a lot. :-)

It was interesting to be in class again after being a teacher for a couple years. Remembering once again how scary teachers actually are. Not that my prof. is unkind but she is an authority figure that has power over me through grades. As a teacher I'm usually on the other end of that dynamic and I so easily forget what it feels like to be on the student side.

As for me, I always desperately want my teachers to like me but often feel that they don't for unsubstantiated reasons. I remember one student in Korea that came up to me with his friend after a couple classes and asked me with a sad face why I didn't like him. I was, of course, flabbergasted. "Not like you! Of course, I like you. Why would you think that?"

I think he shrugged his shoulders with a smile. I had confirmed that I liked him and that was enough for him. I remember being concerned about that especially because I knew exactly how he felt. *smile* Now here I am in the same situation. But I think I'll just deal with that child inside between me and God instead of asking my profs. if they like me. :-)

Oh yeah, the real reason I'm writing. Ever since I moved to the concrete jungle I've had the uncanny feeling that when I'm in my bathroom I smell chlorine. I wish I could say I smell it because I compulsively clean my bathroom. haha Yup, I think my shower water has a high percentage of chlorine and who knows what else. Yeah, so I can't get over the feeling that I'm taking toxic showers.

I have really sensitive skin so even if I move to a new city that has great water (like Portland) my skin usually gets irritated until it adjusts to the new water. But this time I suspect it's more than my skin adjusting it's that the water is nasty.

So I'm taking action. I've heard of filters for showers because some people argue even if you don't live in LA water has too much chlorine in it. And our skin absorbs more of it through showers than our drinking water. Does anybody know about good shower filters? Here's what I've found so far. Let me know if you know anything about this.

Off to class...

I'm standing on the edge of the eve of my first day of school and still savoring the sweetness of yesterday. Sandy's wedding has turned out to be a fountain of connections. Everyone I've met or hung out with in this last week has been somehow connected to her or her wedding.

Yesterday I went to church with James, one of the former groomsmen. I got his email only a couple hours before the night service he had asked me to go to. I had heard of Mosaic and had been inclined to think it wouldn't be my type of church.

Boy, was I pleasantly surprised. It did have the rock-star facade I had suspected but it had the substance to support it. A lot of churches mistakenly focus on outward appearances such as jamming worship and spitting, frantic speakers and overlook what really drives a church-substance. Substance shown in the preaching of the Word, substance in the lives of the people.

I've visited many churches in my short lifetime but I can't remember going to a church where the people were this welcoming. Of course, it probably helped that James and his friend Mark were introducing me to everyone they know which seemed like everyone. :-)

After church we went out to dinner with around 20 people from the church. One of the things striking things about the church is how diverse it is culturally and ethnically. You see everything from punks to professionals of any color walking around with big smiles on their faces.

Well, I don't want to jump the gun and say I'm making this my home church in LA. I'm going to pray about it and keep on going. But I'm excited about the prospect that God may have answered "yes" when I prayed, "Please God, this time can I find a home church right away?!" Usually, when I move to a new place it takes me forever to feel at home in a church.

Oh and by the way, check out some of the new links I've posted.

Probably because of the influence of the U2 concert frenzy I've been listening to U2 a lot lately. I love this song. His questioning, his pain and hope really resonate (I'm pretty sure he wrote this song after 9/11)...

Peace On Earth
Heaven on Earth
We need it now
I'm sick of all of this
Hanging around
Sick of sorrow
Sick of pain
Sick of hearing again and again
That there's gonna be
Peace on Earth

Where I grew up
There weren't many trees
Where there was we'd tear them down
And use them on our enemies
They say that what you mock
Will surely overtake you
And you become a monster
So the monster will not break you

It's already gone too far
Who said that if you go in hard
You won't get hurt

Jesus could you take the time
To throw a drowning man a line
Peace on Earth
Tell the ones who hear no sound
Whose sons are living in the ground
Peace on Earth
No whos or whys
No-one cries like a mother cries

For peace on Earth
She never got to say goodbye
To see the colour in his eyes
Now he's in the dirt
Peace on Earth
They're reading names out over the radio
All the folks the rest of us won't get to know
Sean and Julia, Gareth, Ann and Breda
Their lives are bigger, than any big idea

Jesus can you take the time
To throw a drowning man a line
Peace on Earth
To tell the ones who hear no sound
Whose sons are living in the ground

Peace on Earth

Jesus this song you wrote
The words are sticking in my throat
Peace on Earth
Hear it every Christmas time
But hope and history won't rhyme
So what's it worth?
This peace on Earth

Peace on Earth
Peace on Earth
Peace on Earth

U2 is going to be in LA in April. Man, I wish I could go to that concert. Just costs 190.00 for a nose bleed seat.

Does anyone want to go with me? ...and pay for my ticket, too? :-)

I rambled around my kitchen this morning with the distinct feeling that I had been engrossed in a very intense conversation, that I had been very involved in something but I couldn't remember what it was. Which, of course, must have been my dreams.

I had a weird one right before I got up. ha,ha I've started setting my alarm to radio, so when my alarm goes off I hear the sudden booming voices of NPR.

This morning there was a story titled something like, "What do neo-conservatives and environmentalists have in common?" It was a story of one prominent Republican’s commitment to having an electric-gas hybrid car.

But suddenly in my dream I was with a bunch of Portland-like hippies carrying grain and supplies into an African hut. Apparently, we were on a relief mission. As we were all laboring carrying heavy sacks Dick Cheney was following us around spouting this long spiel about why he got a hybrid car.

When I finally heard someone say, "Thank you, blah-blah, for talking with us today" (not Dick Cheney) my mind started to drift towards consciousness.

mishmash

Listened to an interview with Jim Wallis, author of God's Politics: Why the Right gets it Wrong and the Left Doesn't Get It and editior of Sojourners Magazine today. Very, very interesting. I agree with a great deal of what he said. I HIGHLY recommend that you listen to this interview for a refreshing voice in the Evangelical community.

If you're more of a TV kind of person here's Jim Wallis on the Daily Show. (however, the radio interview is more in depth)

On a different note, while I was watching the Daily Show on Comedy Central I also looked at their other videos. Their "Top 5 Bush Inauguration Videos" were really funny. Especially "Black Bush" and "Speechalist" (Warning: Black Bush has way too much profanity (thankfully it's beeped out), however, if you can get past that it's really funny.)

The sad thing about the "Speechalist" video is that I totally relate to Bush because when I'm nervous I mess my words all up, too.

Philip Johnson, a famous architect died yesterday. Check out his most acclaimed building called the "Glass House". Amazing-isn't it? Never seen anything quite like it. It was actually the house he built for himself.

Saw "House of Flying Daggers" tonight. It was good but lacked the well-woven plot of Crouching Tiger.

My sis got in an argument with a girl and her boyfriend sitting a seat away from us in the theater. That was crazy...apparently we were whispering too loudly. But if you ask me both June and that girl were way too combative.

Actually, it seemed that whole theater was full of interesting characters. Four rows ahead of us a pair of girls yelled out, "yes!" when what seemed like a sex scene started (unfortunately for those girls it was cut short) Then later in the movie some older guys behind us started talking loudly and laughing in an intense moment. The audience was also more reactive in surprise scenes than normal.

At one point I looked at my sister and whispered that this crowd was wacko...of course, hoping that girl wouldn't go off on me for whispering again. :-)

I'm in SD right now because I have to finish the Community Economic Development program I'm in. So I'll be coming back to SD every other weekend until April.

I've just gotten settled in LA. It took me a while to gather the furniture I needed and now I've finally got all my stuff off the floor. I have my orientation next week and I don't start classes until the 31st.

So I still feel like my life is in slow motion just punctuated by cleaning and moving. The month before I left SD I was cleaning and decorating my grams house. And now I'm cleaning and organizing again. To be honest, I just feel like my life is never going to have the same sense of meaning again. Seems like it's just a never-ending river of mundane nothingness.

Part of me wishes that the audience of my blog wasn't so big (big for me). It's definitely expanded beyond my close friends. That's cool and everything but I guess I write this blog like I'm talking to really close friends. The knowledge that people I don't know are reading sometimes taints my view of my entries....instead of seeing them in light of the meaning I intend I start to look at them the way others might perceive them. But oh well, I think I have to blog that way and if I look like a big whiner...well, that's probably true anyway. :-)

By the way, I'm going to be writing people back from my back-logged emails now that I know where my underwear is.

I'm on the move!

Yup, I'm driving up to LA tomorrow (technically today) with my car stuffed full of my loosely boxed clothes and stuff. That's one of the many weird things about moving to a city so close. I don't really have to pack my stuff up in boxes and suitcases. Definitely not the way I have to if I'm moving to another state or country. I've never lived this close to San Diego. It's going to be different to be able to say, "I'm going to San Diego for the weekend."

By the way, for those that I haven't emailed back. I haven't forgotten...I'm going to email soon!

Didn't want to share this while I was in a grumpy mood but I can't sleep. So here I am. I'm grumpy because my grandma and uncle are making me crazy! They are so overly independent. They think they don't need anybody, that they're just dandy on their own. Well, they are SO wrong.

This next announcement is not directly related to my late night grumpiness. Are you ready? Are you sitting down?

I'm moving to LA in the next two weeks.....to start my M.A. in Intercultural Studies at Biola University.

Surprise! And it was kind of a surprise to me, too. It all came together rather quickly. Another pleasant surprise is that I'm going to be living with Margaret whom I had only met briefly at Sandy's wedding and bridal shower.

It's funny because even while we were in Korea Sandy would tell me that I had to read Margaret's xanga because Margaret and I had so much in common. Unfortunately, I didn't heed Sandy's advice until after the wedding when I read her ad for a roommate in LA on her xanga. However, at that time I had no plan to go to Biola this semester. Yet I kept reading her site and to be honest (don't be embarrassed, Margaret) I was so fascinated by her thoughts and realized that Sandy was so right.

So long story short about 3 weeks ago I met my future roommates Annie and Margaret over some Japanese food. We were all three so amazed at how similar our passions are. (Annie will be starting her M.A. in Intercultural Studies at Fuller next semester.)

So meanwhile I'm trying to prepare my grandma and uncle to have someone live with them but that's getting sticky. I'm also redecorating and putting up pictures like a mad woman. Within the next couple days I'm going to start packing up my stuff to drive it up to LA.

To be honest, now that going to Biola is a reality I'm feeling more fear about going back to school. It's been a long time. I guess I just feel nervous about everything. Starting over in a new city, feeling afraid that the dull meaninglessness I've felt here in SD is going to somehow follow me wherever I go.

Ro and I were talking on the phone the other day about our next semesters. Both her and I have struggled with a dull, lifeless boredom swallowing up our lives. However, she shared with me how she eventually reached a breaking point and came to an understanding with God about what He was doing in her life. And ya know, that understanding is so key-isn't it? It's usually the beginning of the end of a lesson God is teaching you.

I realized when she was telling me this that I hadn't come to that point of understanding yet. I know in my mind and even believe in my heart that God truly loves me and is involved in my life. But I have often felt this semester that God has left me to my own devices, that He isn't guiding me but is just letting me wander blindly even though I have semi-consistently called out to Him.

Reaching an understanding is not necessarily having my questions answered or knowing God's reasons but is having peace despite not having those answers. I'm not there yet but I look forward to the maturity I'll have hopefully gained through this.

It's 2005. Wow. 10 years since I graduated from high school. 5 years since I graduated from college.

Wow

Some 2005 hopes and prayers...

Speedy restoration and relief as well as hope in Christ for survivors in South East Asia

Stability and self-rule in Iraq

(this one's a stretch but I want to hope anyway) A Nelson Mandela type to replace Arafat as the leader of the Palestinian people

My niece accepted into the Spanish/English immersion elementary school

All my Uzbek friends to know the Lord

My mother to find peace of mind and peace with God

To move a couple more feet away from my one-dimensional understanding of God and closer to knowing the depths of His character and love

Find an awesome church and community in the US of A

All my friends to prosper in all the right ways

Greater maturity and depth as well as more self-acceptance

Learn how to make a website for myself and my students

Mentor inner city/refugee youth

Fall in love with my partner in life and ministry

Somehow today I acquired a strange anger that grew more pronounced as the day wore on. An underground, subtle anger undetectable to the naked eye but it was there nonetheless.

I just felt fed up with everything. Fed up with people wasting their lives. Fed up with poverty.

Will everyone just get their act together?!

Fed up with my family particularly my grandma and uncle. Realizing more and more that they've wasted their lives in so many ways, hiding away from life...taking the easy way instead of facing life with strength.

Fed up with hearing "thousands of lives would have been spared if the countries surrounding the Indian ocean would have had an alarm system set up like the fat, wealthy, greedy Western countries that don't give a d**n about anybody but alas South East Asia doesn't have the technology or the money. " Oh well for them! Who cares anyway? We're in our nice, clean homes driving our SUVs listening to our stupid shallow music.

Later I was reading statistics for at-risk youth in Pasadena. It's always the same. The patterns of poverty, ignorance and abuse taking their toll on youth. I've seen it again and again in my neighborhood, my church, the inner city mentoring program I worked for. We should all have the lyrics of this song memorized but still it goes on playing. I'm so tired of it.

At the end of the day I was so angry at it all and I knew all my musings we're slowly growing more personal. It's not just about the patterns of injustice in the world but it's about me. I feel angry about my own personal legacy of injustice. That my parents dropped the ball, that my grandmother doesn't have more common sense, that I've been to left pick up the pieces of this family atomic bomb.

Dead Are Put at 57,000 as Bodies Wash Ashore — Many Missing


woman mourning for deceased children

rendered homeless

woman mourning at burial site in Cuddalore, India


"The world's most powerful earthquake in more than 40 years erupted underwater off of the Indonesian island of Sumatra on Dec. 26. It sent walls of water barreling thousands of miles, killing a reported 57,000 people in almost a dozen countries." (Sources: New York Times reporters; The Associated Press; LandScan population database)

I wish it would have never happened.

I wish it wouldn't have happened on my b-day. (Sounds self-centered...I know. But it's the truth.)

Let's help out our fellow human beings in this incredible tragedy...

Donate:
(here are some organizations I recommend because they've been recommended to me by reliable sources)
World Relief

UNICEF

Christian Aid

Mercy Corp.

Gospel for Asia
(An organization that I regularly donate to that is very reliable. They are primarily an evangelistic organization; however, because they have so many missionaries in India they are involved in the relief effort.)

Merry Christmas everyone!

Christmas party with some old school SD friends..


Speaking of cookie monster...Jewl, Joshua, June, Katrin and I all collaborated on making a ginger bread house. The walls kept falling down so alas we had to tie licorice ropes around the four walls to keep them up. But ours was still the coolest love shack with the most candy decorating its iced walls...thanks to Jewliet and Joshua.

Every now and then I just want to do weird, random things that crack me up in my own "joyce world".

But then I think, "Joyce, get a grip. After you've had your little fun you're going to turn around and no one's going to be laughing and everyone's going to have the "awe struck...we don't get it and you're weird" face."

Things like putting my blog in the "New York Asians" and "Black College Students" blogrings. Oh man, that strikes me as so funny. Especially, if I had the whitest, dorkiest close up nerdy white girl pic of myself on my blog. hahahhaaaaaa

Uh... Nobody's laughing.

I can just see it now. Someone scrolling through the pics and descriptions then seeing my overeager shiny white face. What the heck is this?

hahahahaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahahaa

A-hem...anyway...

I once heard a comedian share some thoughts along this line and I thought, "Oh my gosh, I always wonder stuff like that, too!" He said something like, "I wonder what would happen if you growled, "I'm a cookie monster" at a cop out your window as he drove by. What could the cop say? I'm pulling you over....because you said, "I'm a cookie monster" in a funny voice."

hahhhaaaaaaaaaaaaaa..... I totally wonder stuff like that and wish I had the guts to do it sometimes because it would be so funny. Sometimes I'll totally crack up to myself because I'll think what if I said this in the grocery store out loud. Haha That would be so funny because everyone would be so confused.

But anyway, I put an invisible stat tracker on my blog yesterday. It's the kind of tracker where I can see when people visit my site as well as what state/city they're viewing my blog from. So far that's been kind of trippy for me.

Someone's visiting my site from Delaware. Delaware. Where is Delaware, anyway? :-)

Sometimes I feel like I'm in God's Special Ed. program. Another person could do so many of things I've done and so many of the things I'm going to attempt so much better. I actually know people who would be much more effective and efficient than me in so many of my dreams.

I was finishing my application/essay for Biola and thinking about my dreams and aspirations for the future as I emailed the last of the documents. And I thought, "My dreams are SO much bigger than my ability to accomplish them. Who am I kidding? Who do I think I am?"

Then the thought occurred to me that this a good thing, so that God's power could be that much clearer. That's definitely the case in my life. I feel like I'm always pulling off these amazing things but it's just totally luck. Secretly, God and I are always having a good laugh at the folly of it all. That someone like me could have so many opportunities. It doesn't make sense. But God's equation doesn't make sense, when you add Him into the picture all the numbers go crazy.

For example:
poor carpentar+no training+poor unimportant family+3 years preaching=most influential world figure ever

But here's the real equation:
poor carpentar+no training+poor unimportant family+3 years preaching(God factor)=most influential world figure ever

Even though I know that in my weakness He is strong I still can't help feeling guilty sometimes that He has entrusted me with so much when I know others would do better than me with the resources He's given. However, at the same time I know God's program doesn't work that way. His program often doesn't work with the strong/talented but enlists the weak and broken that He may shine brighter.

So I go on depending on Him in my inadequacy that He may glare brighter as He shocks us all with what He can do with a weak, dependent underachiever.