I'm writing an outline for a project this morning and I just so happened to glance at these paintings by Rene Magritte as I was going through different documents in my computer. Suddenly, the upper one spoke to me more clearly. Before I was just intrigued by it but my brain didn't really unlock anything when I looked at. But this morning I thought "sometimes we make a door where really everything is open to us."

I was so tired today that I went to bed at 8pm but then once I got in bed I couldn't sleep. I know you think that's normal but I can usually sleep any time I want to. So this is a bit weird for me. I'm getting a sore throat, so I want to fight it off. But no-suddenly I just can't sleep. Lame.

So I thought I'd try to blog but I'm not sure I'm going to be able to get into that either cuz what I really want to do is sleep.

I've gone through this weird cycle this week. Sunday and Monday I started seriously thinking I was going to move out my grandma's house. I ended up calling a Christian gal that was going to have a room open in November. We talked and she sounded cool.

Then my mind started to roll through all the implications. If I moved out I would be paying $600 a month in rent/utilities, so I'd have to get a job that could at least make that. Then I could possibly pay the rest of my expenses with my savings. But what about my grandma and uncle...will I get a chance to get over there to cook and clean enough? What job should I get? I started planning my plan A, B and Cs around my priorities here in SD: hanging out and helping out my sis and her fam, preparing my grams and unc to move into a more dependant life style, working on the two certificates I'm getting (or going to get) in Community Economic Development and web design.

I went back and forth between "I'm too old to be staying with my grams, it's going to make me crazy/depressed" to "but they need the help right now and it will save you a lot of money because you don't want to work full time because you're doing these programs” I went to visit my possible roommates' house and eventually came back to the same conclusion. So I went through 3 days of what about this and what about that and tons of calling and thinking when I should have been doing other things. And I came back to square one (staying at my gram's house) even more convinced that it was the right thing to do. Which I guess that often happens when a person is having that "decision crisis". However, it does make me think why didn't I just save myself a lot of time/stress and not go through that mental exercise.

One benefit of that mental exercise is that I came up with an idea for something that has been eating away at my brain. My grandma is 84 and is getting so that she doesn't walk too steadily. My unc has Parkinson's disease, which will continue to get worse. They are getting more and more dependent even though they're fighting it.

I'm most likely just staying here for a year, what about when I leave? Who's going to watch after them? My sis comes over once a week to do yard work but she has a family to take care of. And I think my grams and unc need someone to stay with them. So I thought of this great idea. I got the idea when I was looking at the roommate classifieds on The Rock church website. I could possibly set something up after I leave where some responsible, young Christian girl rents out my room for a cheap price/no cost in exchange for cleaning and perhaps driving duties.

I think this idea could really work. However, I realized that to make it more likely to work I needed to make the house more comfortable. My grams has super bad fashion sense and sometimes I think questionable common sense. And combined with her old age the house is a bit...cluttery. I don't know quite how to explain it. Just the earmarks of my grandmother's house keeping style. Like random things sitting in the same place forever or jerry-rigging weird things to hold the cat food or keeping chairs that are forty years old and then hanging a 20 year old rug on the back of those chairs to top it off or her color-blind choice of white linoleum through out the entire house (yes, she had the carpet torn out and she replaced it with white linoleum a couple years ago. Of course, I was away at college or I would have talked her out of it. And yes, she really is colorblind. She's become so in her old age.)

I'm so used to her being this way that it's just occurred to me in these last couple months that I need to take the initiative and fix the things the way I think they should be. I used to be more like the child that subconsciously thought, "what place do I have to arrange her house". But now I realize she would like it and it's the right thing to do. So I decided I should put my money and time into making the house more comfortable instead of putting that money and time into rent at someone else's house. So my newest project is making a plan for the decor of the living room and family room. It's actually fun. I don't think I'll start until Christmas break when all my classes are over but grams and I still went to Ikea today to get ideas for couches.

Well, that's one of many things on my mind lately. Another big thing on my mind and a BIG cause of stress is my stupid part-time job. That whole situation is a big confusing mystery to me. As my faithful readers know I really felt God led me to that job but as far as my understanding goes it's been mostly a mistake. Especially because it made me delay my entrance into the web-design program I'm going into. Now I'm starting the program Jan 3oth instead of Sept., which seems like to me the worst mistake possible!! Because the January program won't end until October. Which is terrible for me because I'm planning on going to grad-school in Sept. Which means I will miss 2 months of the program. And it doesn't end there. The two months I will miss are perhaps the most important for me because that's when I'll learn to combine all the skills I've been learning into websites. Which is what I most want to learn about!!!

So this really makes me wonder did I hear God wrong? What happened? There isn't a day that goes by that I don't grumble with regret to myself about choosing to delay the program. I suppose that I've gotten better about letting it go. Because it's done-right? There's nothing I can do now.

There's more I could say about this but I'm going to give sleeping another try. :-)

Wow, this kind of silly "picture movie" just spoke to me a lot. Especially because my time here in SD has been riddled with disappointment and confusion.

The words are in Korean but the pics speak loudly enough that you don't need words. The bummer is it's kind of small but if you click on it you should be able to see it better. (When you double click on the pic to the left of the picture you will see "all sizes" click on that and change it to "large" then you'll really be able to see it.)

Blah, blah, blah.....

That's how I feel.

Man, wasn't able to make my blogging time tonight. Bummer. I guess I'll have to wait until Tuesday or Friday to tell you what I really want to write.

Made burritos for the grams and unc crew tonight. Once again forgot that their tolerance for spice is nil compared to me. whoops.

Did some pleasure reading in my "intro to political science" textbook. It really is pleasure reading for me. Which is saying a lot in my case because usually fiction is the only pleasure reading for me.

And finally got kind of caught up on some email and now I'm hitting the sack. But just thought I'd let you know before I go to bed that http://www.opendemocracy.net/ is just the best online webzine in the world. The article on Iraq from the perspective of a foreign born Iraqi was very interesting.

well, good night...

Hypochondriac
Originally uploaded by Snapatorium.

This girl's art spoke to me about how the bombardment of pop-culture often leaves us feeling fractured. Putting on our fractured masks pretending everything is fine. I think her art also reflects the absurd extravagance of our commercial culture. A lot of her work seems to combine 50's looking magazine pics with modern paraphernalia-expressing the evolution of an era and perhaps some of the confusion as we transition from one period to another. Interesting stuff...

I've been planning on making some artwork for my classes along the same strain. Of course, I don't know what it will look like until I'm done. But I think I'm going to combine family pictures and try to modify them to express the "fracturedness" I see in our generation and in myself. That's probably why I was intrigued by her work.

I was reading an interesting article about muli-culturalism tonight. The author was arguing a point on a subject I'm very much still formulating my thoughts on. I'm still sifting through my experiences and setting mental ground work to start the serious labor on the subject. But hearing him argue a certain point of view helped me better understand the parameters of the issue and it helped to know what academia is arguing about concerning this subject.

I've stumbled upon the issue of multi-culturalism vs. assimilation kind of through the back door. I'm white, low/mid-middle class. Went to private Christian schools. Why would I think about it?

Living in other countries has made me think a lot about national identity. For example, Koreans have a strong sense of Koreaness and after a while of living there you get tired of being on the outside.

I also have a lot of second-generation friends. The kind of people that grow up understanding two cultures and yet watching them from the outside I think they grow up with a stronger sense of identity. True-they often complain about the inconveniences of being a minority and I understand. Yet as I ride with in the car with my Mexican-American girlfriend and listen to her talk about her life I wonder, "What am I really?" Am I the absence of culture? The leftover, white, watered-down culture? I'm Czech, German, English, Irish, Scottish, Welsh. But I don't know anything of these cultures or their languages. I guess ultimately it doesn't really bother me. But just when I see the cohesion of my second-generation friends' communities it makes me wonder about assimilation.

With thoughts like these back-loaded in my brain, this article definitely added to the list of things to think about in this respect. He actually argues for assimilation.

"Multiculturalism distorts the past, deforms the present, and diminishes the future. The best of America, says Ali Hossaini, shows the world a better route to a free, unified society: its name is assimilation."

I wanted to write this on Joanne's blog but since she has a super wacko template that she hasn't bothered to fix I'll write it here.

When I was taking a nap today I had this dream that I walked on a plane and then just walked through a door into Joanne's office at Handong. Apparently, she had come back to Handong to work part time while she worked on her dissertation. I walked in her office with my black visor, so at first she didn't recognize me. Then we started jumping around in glee because she was so surprised that I had come to visit her in Korea. Later she told me how life was such a drag because she felt she wasn't getting enough done on her dissertation or something like that. She seemed stressed.

Then I started telling her how it was so weird that I was there in the room because it seemed like I had gotten there in an instance. Then I said, "I know how I'm here. I'm dreaming but we shouldn't talk about it too much or I'll start to wake up." So just then everything around us started to fade away but as it did I was praying for Joanne. Then I was really woken up by my friend Jeannie's voice on my answer machine.

Weird-huh? I woke thinking, "Wow, that's first time I remember being so aware that I was dreaming."

I know what you're saying, Joanne, about the whole hamster thing. You'll get through it. Your semester is almost over. I often feel that way. Probably doesn't help that I have big fat furry cheeks already...

When I wrote the last entry I was really stressed out. I wrote that entry and had a good cry. And it was amazing when I got up the next morning I felt so much better. Everything that seemed so impossible (mostly my part-time job) took on a new light. After I got up in the morning I put the entry on hold because I felt maybe I had disclosed too much. But now I've put it back up because I just don't care if people misunderstand me. It's like what I always tell Alison when she's amazed how honest I am-most of the time the only people that bother to read my blog on a consistent basis are either good friends or bloggy kinds of people. And most of them are the former so I would most likely tell them everything I wrote here anyway.

It is mostly my job that has been the cause of all my distress. It's only a part-time job but for some reason it was really stressing me out (I'm better now). One reason being it is one GAINT logistical nightmare. Then combine that with a high stress, blunt New Yorker for a boss and there you have a recipe for success. It has also nagged me that I gave up starting the Interactive Media Certificate program because of schedule conflicts with this job. That program is one of the main reasons I even came back to SD! I'll now be starting it hopefully in January. However, it might turn out to be for the best because this way I've had a chance to take classes in International Affairs and get ahead in my Photoshop and Illustrator skills.

I feel slightly pathetic moaning and groaning about my job situation when I think of the people I know in the developing world and other fellow bloggers that have way more stressful work situations. But what can I say? It's just the way I feel.

I have my peppermint tea. I've arranged my mood lighting. I'm playing supposedly relaxing music while a police siren sings on a street near by. I finally have a chance to try to pry some of this burden off my back.

I was walking around Chollas Lake yesterday. The atmosphere was just what I like-a crisp, autumn wind whirling around me, golden shadows on the trees, the sunset's reflection on the water. Unfortunately, my inner world did not reflect this tranquil setting and it still doesn't. Stress and anxiousness are burning in me, looking for a way to exit. I feel caged in my own life. I'm squirming to find a way out of circumstances that are like old wrappers around my life. "Sometimes I'm crushed by my own dreams, sometimes I build my tower so high..." I scribbled in my journal as I stared out at the lake.

Every morning I wake up and my mantra is the same, "I hate my job. I want out." Lately, my mantra has expanded to more: I'm tired of the same old burdens, feeling trapped in San Diego, trapped in this house that I grew up in, feeling trapped with the ghosts of my past, trapped in circumstances that I thought that God led me into. I'm so tired of my same old weaknesses, my same old failures! Why did You make me with such deficit? Why have You set me up to fail?

I've begun to blame God. It's time, God. Haven't I lived with this enough? I've followed You; I've chosen a harder road. And yet you've kept me a child, a dependant child trapped in the past. It's your fault! I can't move on with out You doing it! I should be getting married. I should be getting involved with a missions team. But no-I'm back here at ground zero! Back where I began with nothing to show! But no-my life is stunted while I watch everyone growing up around me.

I was having these kind of thoughts when I turned to Ps. 22,

My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?
Why are you so far from saving me, so far from the words of my groaning?
O my God, I cry out by day, but you do not answer.
Yet you are enthroned as the Holy One; you are the praise of Israel.
In you our fathers put their trust; they trusted and you delivered them.
They cried out to you and were saved;
in you they trusted and they were not disappointed.

I'm trying to trust but I feel faith is draining out of my body. I've been holding onto You for such a long time and I'm losing grip on that rope. I asked for one thing and You've left me a fool. That hurts.

"in You they trusted and they were not disappointed..."

help me

want to understand a little more about the big deal with WTO and world trade...

www.maketradefair.com

interesting...

I hope to learn a lot more about these issues this year...

Oh darn. There is so much I want to say but I've run out of time. It's too late tonight for me to really delve into the trenches of what's going in my heart. I really need to pray before I go to sleep. I haven't been able to pray this last week as much as I want. Last week was really busy. The phrase "hit the ground running" comes to mind when I think of me calmly, naively coming out of my labor day weekend not realizing what was about to hit me. "Hit the ground running" is what I needed to do. I didn't. Therefore-I got worked.

Here's a corny semi-poetic rendition of some of the things I've been thinking about:

animation girl in my poli-sci class
she looks so surreal

i can teach this class better than this grad student
should i go into international development?
it would be cool to teach it to people in developing nations

learning this stuff is like receiving water after a long, long walk
whoa, everybody in this development program is dedicated to social change
how does faith relate to economic development, social change?

hungry to dive into the huge pool of web-design
so much to learn, so far to go until I can use it for what I want

lonely, anxious, hopeful
love life a forever, eternal evading shadow
trusting in, complaining to
my Father

I've suddenly gone from wasting my life away boredom to dizzying business. I guess that's what happens when school starts. I'm going to be taking Intro to Political Science and International Contemporary Politics. Everything about these classes is very interesting to me so far. I'll take what I can get at this point. Even though they're community college classes, I'll still be exposed to the vocabulary/ buzzwords and be given a structured reading schedule.

I wasn't planning on taking these classes but as I was looking at the over-priced Spanish textbooks I wandered over to the Sociology and Political Science area. The reading material intrigued me so I decided to just see if I could "crash" the classes. Well, now I'm in. The Political Science class is taught by a young gum chewing grad-student. It was amusing for me being as I just finished teaching at the university level myself. I think there is something unique about teaching people close to your age.

Here's a reading assignment that I have to write a response to for my International Politics class eventually. For each approach we have to read several articles on the subject. (Pohang girls, you know this is scratching where I've been itching. I think we've had discussions about these very issues.)

Terrorism
What should we do now?

Approach 1: We must use every means at our disposal and every necessary weapon of war to defeat the global terror network.

Approach 2: We have to take decisive measures to bolster domestic security, and put into place precautions against dangerous predators.

Approach 3: For our own protection, we must address their grievances and expand efforts to reduce the hatred that fuels terrorism.

Can you guess which approach I agree with most? hehe...for some people this is a no brainer.

Well, I've got to run off to bed because I'm getting up early tomorrow to make it to my 7:30 (!) Photoshop class.

more activism inPortland

Adam, Jodi and I took a walk around Portland. Saying Portland is anti-Bush would be a gross understatement. Almost every yard has Kerry/Edwards signs not to mention the occasional anti-Bush slur.

Good old Portland

My wonderful hosts Adam and Jodi. Notice Portland's distinct architecture.

I'm here in Portland and it's been a great time. I've had a chance to touch base with more people than I thought I would. It's been awesome.

The drive up here was also a sweet time and God spoke to me a lot.

I'll write more when I get home after I've slept for half a day. :-) I'm really tired.

Update: I am now going to Portland. My sister wanted to go on a trip to Colorado originally because her and Andre would like to move out to Colorado Springs eventually. However, she eventually deemed it too stressful driving with her kids. So I've decided I'm driving up to Portland to see my old college crew. So that'll be cool because I haven't seen those people for a couple years. But pray for me as I drive up there because even though I'm an immpecible driver (uhem! no comments from my critics) that has driven this route a million times it's still a long drive.

I'm posting a poem I wrote as I left Tokyo airport. I looked back at the sunset, at that disappearing piece of Asia and I knew a time in my life was over. The sunset and the clouds were so amazing as I watched Asia get smaller and smaller. I wanted to hold on but I knew as the sun set so this time in Asia set for the last time.

Even as I typed up this poem today I could feel the pressure of the love and the loss of that time bearing down on my chest. I don't often interpret my poems but I will say that this one in its own abstract way is a good-bye poem, a loving hug to a dear friend that I won't see again-at least not in the same form.

Good-bye Korea
swimming in my metal swim suit
above an ocean of clouds
the sun sets behind me and I fly on

if I jumped out I know I would float
on that soft, cottony terrain

my own surreal planet of gliding gray-white cotton
I'd adventure out to that fading orange horizon
on the borders of my white planet

I'd stay there where gray and orange meet at a perfect perpendicular angel
and I'd sit on the edge of that cloud with my feet dangling over the edge

I'd stay there eating the orange lolly-pops of the sunset
transfixed by my memories stuck in the Asian sunset

I was going to write a bit and post a poem I wrote as my plane ascended into the sky from Tokyo. But alas I started researching digital cameras and now it's gotten too late. I've been wanting to buy a digital camera for a while. I have my camcorder, which I love but I also want a slim camera to stick in my purse so I can pull it out at any opportune moment. On the way back to America there were quite a few times I wished I had that slim camera readily available in my purse. However, now I'm particularly motivated to buy a digital camera because my sister and I are going on a last minute road trip to Colorado. So I definitely don't want to be saying the whole time, "I wish I had that digital camera." There are just so many options out there! I want something that's cheap, has excellent photo quality and is really small. hmmm...

As some of you know I'm going to be studying web-design and interactive media this year. They say when you're going to be building web sites you should get a sense for what you like. Well, I began to look around for site design I liked. For a while I thought I didn't like the design of many sites. But here are some sites that I like (some more than others) and I hope at the end of this year I can design some sites almost as good as these. :-)
http://www.alexthegirl.com
http://feistyscribe.com
http://today.maganda.org/index.html
http://www.miss.maganda.org/design/index.html
http://www.myjanee.com/

There's so much I'd like to say but I'm going to bed.

I'll leave you with these lyrics written by Alanis Morissette. As usual her thoughts really resonate with me.

you see everything
you see every part
you see all my light
and you love my dark

you can listen here

Tomorrow my friend...

It's funny. People have not been commenting on my blog lately but in the past two weeks I think I've gotten 4 emails or calls specifically about things I spoke about on my blog. Ironic. Anyway, I just wanted to let you guys know that you don't have to feel "exposed" if you write a comment. Granted it's not unusual to feel a bit weird about saying something in front of an unknown online audience. Just remember that almost everyone that reads this blog is a close friend and thus you have all have a lot in common. Was that a patronizing thing to say? :-/

Anyway, whatever you do is just peachy with me and you're probably being even more considerate by writing me a nice thoughtful email but sometimes the online audience does miss out. For example, Joanne emailed and said something to the effect that I looked like Ronald McDonald meets Bruce Lee in that pic a couple entries ago. hehehaha I got quite a laugh out of that. But it's even more funny when you know ole' kim-chee breath's sense of humor (Joanne).

But speaking of comments I have a request of those that know me well. I'm filling out this survey and from the words below it asks which four adjectives would your friends choose that best describe you if they had to choose only four. This is an interesting question, of course, because my friends might give a different answer than I would if the question was directed to me. I've written what I think are the top 7 but I haven't entered them yet. Could you make a suggestion? One bummer is that Ro doesn't have internet access right now and Alison's going on a trip. So those are two very close friends that can't vote. Well, anyway whoever you are just give it a shot.

Good listener
Respectful
Affectionate
Caring
Spontaneous
Physically Fit
Warm
Outgoing
Optimistic
Dependable
Romantic
Creative
Loyal
Spiritual
Kind
Ambitious
Articulate
Rational
Easy-Going
Generous
Happy
Quiet
Genuine
Intelligent
Hard Working
Thoughtful
Sweet
Passionate
Energetic
Funny
Perceptive
Modest

I know some words on this list that are definately not me. :-) I'll post them in my next entry. Ho-humm, that's going to be pathetic. That's perhaps a good way to figure out what adjustives do describe me by listing the ones that absolutely don't describe me. hmmm

Here are some words I wish were on the list.
goofy
adventurous
gorgeous hehe
(my new boss says this word all the time with her New York accent. I'm both amused and obsessed by this. note: One of my secret idiosyncrasies is that I have this parrot complex where I softly repeat words to myself that happen to be tasty to me. This is especially the case with second language vocabulary. Ask Sandy...I was the parrot of our office)

ladytime

"Time"
I've always loved this pic. It speaks volumes to me. A young preoccupied girl busily walks one way and as if through a rotating door here comes an elderly woman bent over with years of burdens.

Polar Bear

(me, Mr. bear and Jewl at Seaworld)

Here's something I wrote on my "ministry page" today. I didn't want to write it twice so I copied to this page for those of you that read both pages.

I've been in San Diego for almost a month now. There have been many times that I have talked with God in desperation and frustration about why he brought me back to this city. Even Jesus felt like a person's hometown is often the hardest place to come back to. Even he had to deal with people that still saw him as the child they remembered instead of the prophet he had become. It's tough to deal with people expectations sometimes-ya know?

Even though I've had my share of crying over old wounds and old memories, for the most part I'm standing in amazement over the new steadfastness I now have in him. Where I used to live in fear in my grandmother's house in the ghetto, the area doesn't even seem scary to me anymore.

I see everything with new eyes now. One thing that really helped me see things differently was reading a book called Chasing the Dragon on the airplane over here. It's about a woman who lived in the infamous walled-city in Hong Kong in the 1960's. Her heart for ex-rapists, drug-dealers and gangsters really influenced me. In the past I despised these kinds of people in my neighborhood because I felt they were a constant threat to my family. But now I see it differently, I truly know my life is in God's hand.

God really confirmed to me that he's guiding me a couple days ago. I've been looking for a part time job to make some extra money while I get a certificate in web-design. The hours for my schooling are really weird: 12:30-5:30. So I thought the best chance for employment would be my old job teaching English to rich foreign students in La Jolla.

I got a call from them last Sunday night. They left a message on my answering machine, "If you want to teach a class, come in at 8am Monday morning." So I got up at 6:30am the next morning to go to meet the manager of the school at 8 o'clock. But ever since I had gone to the La Jolla Center to inquire about the job, I had been having a bad feeling about accepting the job. However, I kept brushing it away. I thought, “What's the big deal? It's just a part time job." But when I got up that Monday morning I had a bad feeling about it. So before I got in the shower I got on my knees and prayed that God would help me to listen to him. So I made a deal with God that as I was driving to La Jolla (a 45 minute drive) I would pray about if God wanted me to take this job.

I couldn't believe it but the feeling that "this is wrong" kept persisting. So as I got out of my car I was trying to make deals with God. "How about I'll work today but I won't take anymore classes after this one?" I walked laboriously to the center located in one of San Diego's most prestigious areas. As I walked towards the building I felt God said strongly, "turn back" surprised I replied, "Are you serious?" I couldn't believe that I was struggling with this so much. I was thinking I was so silly and that I was just making this up. However, I couldn't shake off the feeling that this job was not what God wanted for me. So I stood in agony in front of the English center praying. Finally, I turned back and didn't enter the building. On one hand I couldn't believe that I had just driven out to La Jolla for nothing and on the other hand I was relieved and proud of myself.

So I had to go back and face my grandparents. I had to tell them weakly that I didn't feel right about it but I didn't know why. That night I jogged around Chollas Lake and then prayed about my job situation anxiously until they closed the park. There was an urgency in my voice. "God, I need to hear you on this! Whatever you want I'll do it!"

Then it happened. I met Linda for an interview the next day for the Community Economic Development Certificate. The interview was coming to a close when we started talking about the non-profit organization she's the director of. The organization works with inner city youth through mentoring and after-school programs. She started telling me some of the struggles of the program and I made some suggestions from my ESL background. Long story short-we eventually realized we were both Christians and the more we talked about the program the more it became apparent that I would be an ideal candidate for the program director position she was trying to fill.

So after the interview I went to a meeting with her and the former program directors. The more I heard about the program the more I knew it was the job I was looking for. This was a job that I could be challenged in and grow in instead of going back to a predictable job in La Jolla. As I left the meeting I cried in my car and thanked God for his guidance in my life.

I'm excited about the possibilities of working with this organization. This situation has made me realize that I shouldn’t take the burdens God has placed in my heart for granted. There have been many secret ideas and burdens I've had in my heart for my "inner city" area that I'll now have a chance to try out.

So please pray for me as I enter this new phase of my life. The organization is called UPLIFT which stands for “urban people living in faith and trust”. And we’re also looking for someone to work 12 hours a week as a Spanish/English translator and mentor. If you know of anybody in San Diego please contact me otherwise could you pray that we’d find this person. Thanks!