aw man, my sis is going to kill me. while she's gone it fell upon me to be the dog-midwife for one of her dogs. i was supposed to not let Lilly nest on any carpets but now she is holed-up under their bed and is completely ignoring my pleas.

edit: yeah! she came out as i was writing this! i think i'm probably going to see pups by morning and it better be off the carpet!

i'm at june's house playing single mom for the next week. she and andre are on a cruise until wednesday. so i'm taking care of the kids and also hoping to work on my next newsletter for turkey as well as hang out with people here.

but i'm thinking now that i was a bit overly optimistic about what i could get done down here. i had these great expectations for everything i'd get done for turkey when i came down. now i'm thinking it's not going to happen.

so far it's been totally exhausting having the sole responsibility for the kids. it's fun but every night i'm ready for bed by 8:30.

I'm in SD for the next 8-ish days

1000 Wells Project (clicky the linky-poo)

* Did you know that millions of Africans lack access to clean water?

* Did you know that people living with HIV/AIDS are dependent on clean water to survive?

* Did you know that $1 provides one year of clean water for an African?

I'm of the persuasion that we should all do something to help the situation in Africa. Despite the controversy or who's at fault, I think we should all find an organization that we can get behind and support work in Africa particularly when it comes to the AIDS issue.

This brings me to a movement God is doing in my heart around giving. I don't know that I can totally put into words right now. But God has been expanding my heart and pushing the boundaries of my faith in this.

One thing I feel He's begun to put on my heart is to give money when crisis comes up in the world like the issue in Lebanon, or a hurricane. Sometimes that can be hard for me because I feel like it's such a small amount that it won't matter or I'd rather give to something I'll continue with. But I'm beginning to feel it's a habit I want to develop and perhaps in many ways it's more about my heart than the impact the money itself will have.

Even though my heart is for the Muslim areas of the world, like I said in a way I believe we should all have a heart for Africa. The AIDS crisis is so dire that we should all do what we can.

My ideas have been all over the place in this entry....but it's my blog so I don't have to my sense! :-O

and Happy Halloween...

I was wondering how the Kazakhs were feeling about the movie "Borat"...

note to self: i really need to remember that i live near fuller which means i can be a wanna-be student and go to a lot of the cool events they have going on.

darn, i missed lauren winner author of "real se.x: the naked truth about chastity" and "girl meets God". she was speaking tonight...that would have been interesting. but i can still catch the first lady of Nigeria on Nov. 4th. hehe

anywho, just got back from portland as i mentioned in my last post. i just unpacked this evening. it was a pretty absorbing time in portland, i was quickly assimilated into the groove of living there. everytime i go back, i'm struck by the number of close friends i have in one city and the depth of connections i have there.

i was reflecting on why this is and i came up with a couple preliminary thoughts. one being that post-multnomah people are some of the most real people there are. i have dabbled in american evangelicalism all across this nation and honestly post-multnomah-ites stand out in this regard.

these are the kind of people that tend to skip trying to impress you with their credentials/accomplishments, by-pass idle chit-chat and pretty much dive into the stuff of life from the get-go.

right away people i wasn't even that close to in college were telling me about their struggles and triumphs over the last couple years. Despite my criticisms of multnomah and portland culture, this characteristic of post-multnomahites and portland in general is very admirable.

bed time...maybe more on that later.

hey ya'll....I'm in Portland, OR. Just in case you're wondering where I've disappeared to. I'll be back Wednesday...more then.

so exciting.....

see what Christians are doing in this area...

Turkish Writer Wins Nobel Prize in Literature

Sounds like an interesting interview with Moby (I haven't listened to all of it yet)

wow, scary!

Ps. 131: 2 (NIV)-But I have stilled and quieted my soul; like a weaned child with its mother, like a weaned child is my soul within me.
Ps. 131: 2 (The Message)-I've cultivated a quiet heart. Like a baby content in its mother's arms, my soul is a baby content.
Ps. 131:2 (Amplified Bible)-Surely I have calmed and quieted my soul; like a weaned child with his mother, like a weaned child is my soul within me [ceased from fretting]

BSB-I want it that way

It's time for a repost. I can still watch this video again and again. There's something so hilarious about it. I think it's also refreshing to see these guys be totally free and silly. Reminds me of the good old days...

So I'm listening to the audio book of "Wild at Heart" in my car right now. Over the years I've heard men speak very highly of this book and some have even claimed that if a girl wants to understand a man she should read this book. However, I've also gotten the vague impression that there has been a backlash reaction to this book as well.

I've been looking for a reason to waste my time making a fun survey and here the occasion has arisen. Sorry this survey is for men only but like I can control who votes anyway. But for those not familiar with the main thesis of the book, here's my humble attempt at it.
All men long to have:
a battle to win
an adventure to live
and a damsel to rescue

And according to John Eldredge these are pretty universal truths about the heart of a man. So I'm curious what you men out there think...

Is John Eldredge's book "Wild at Heart" right on or out in left field? Take the survey...

Goodness. I don't know what's gotten into me. Usually whenever I'm in my room, I become a workaholic. There's always something that needs to be done-right? But I've just been lounging around in my room all day watching good movies and reading devotional books just for pleasure.

I love Rich Mullins. I was thinking-him and Amy Carmichael are two of the most influential people in my life (not counting those people I've actually known).

I'm revisiting, An Arrow Pointing to Heaven, a "devotional biography" of Rich Mullins life. I was touched anew by both his love of God and his frailty.

"If my life is motivated by my ambition to leave a legacy, what I'll probably leave as a legacy is ambition. But if my life is motivated by the power of the Spirit in me-if I live with the awareness of the indwelling Christ, if I allow His presence to guide my motives, those sorts of things. That's the only time I think we really leave a great legacy."
-Rich Mullins

I finally had the pleasure of watching, "Motorcycle Diaries". A beautiful movie-I found Gael to be an arresting and singularly emotive actor. And I also thought Rodrigo gave a powerful performance.

After the move, I briefly read an overview on the life of "Che". Some criticized, some praised. The usual. Apparently, many in the Cuban exile community criticize him for being "personally responsible" for torturing dissidents of the revolution in Cuba.

Whatever the case is, it got me thinking about how in my meager, humble estimation of history it's always the same story. Well-meaning people, well-meaning ideologies often become the monster they originally were fighting against.

The line between "the right" and "the wrong", "the good" and "the bad" often becomes fuzzy. Unfortunately, the church is no exception to this. Catholics, Protestants, Atheists, Communists -humanity can't cloak its true face with any ideology or self-righteousness but through out the cycles of history continues to prove that we as a race need a savior from ourselves and the restoration of our most fundamental nature.

it's about time, baby!

for the first time since i've been LA, it's rained. normally by this time in the morning, it's in the 8o's. But right now it's a delicious 63 degrees. the grayness and perpetual misting brings a quiet sanctity to the morning. i love mornings like this. i don't want the calm quietness to break with the business of the day.

prayer thoughts~
God: I'm speaking to you when you wake up and stumble to the bathroom with your eyes half closed, I'm speaking to you through out the day, I'm there, I'm with you. but you often can't/don't hear me because how often is your mind really silent and your spirit still. your mind is humming with your world, your self.

those words caught my attention and for a moment i really understood those words of a lover that doesn't feel listened to, that feels their beloved is not really present with them. it's painful when you're sharing with someone and you feel your words are not being absorbed on their own merit but are only received as reflections of the listener's thoughts.

it's been a while since i've really focused on quieting my spirit before the face of God. But it's really so simple-isn't it. Be quiet and for one moment don't think of yourself and what you have to say but point your ears upwards and wait. Incredibly simple and almost basic etiquette for any relationship but amazingly easy to overlook in my relationship with God.

Lord, I'm sorry. I'm present with You. I'm here with You, too.

Welcome to Saudi Arabia (otherwise known as Pasadena). Yes, it’s been 100 degrees the last 3 days. Yeah and I feel like an air-conditioning refugee. There’s no air-conditioning in my building and usually it’s not that big of a deal. But when the weather is like this it is truly unbearable. I actually get nauseous if I stay in my room during the day.

Lord, please make it stop.

So after work I pick up my stuff in my room as quickly as I can and then take off for somewhere where I can camp out in a/c. I feel like I’m snowed in except I’m “heated” in.

It’s global warming I tell you!

I’m going to be running in the Long Beach half-marathon in October with a bunch of people from Mosaic. We’re doing it in conjunction with Worldvision to raise money for AIDS victims in Ethiopia. I’ll be posting more info on that later.

I haven’t been in the habit of running since I experienced grad school and Vermont winters. So I’m trying to jog at least 5 days a week (in the early morning, of course) so I don’t damage something when I run 13 miles.

Blogging is my Therapy

I miss blogging like I mean it. Blogging used to really help me sort out my thoughts. It was a place where I could be irrational, raw, ungaurded. I think it had to do a lot with how I started blogging in the first place. Long, long ago on a blog planet far, far away the only people that read my blog were my most intimate friends who could read between the lines and knew me first and foremost. My blog was a secondary source.

But these days I often get blog constipation and find myself worrying about what people would think if I wrote what I really wanted to write. I would venture to guess that the majority of the people that read my site don't even know me apart from the blog world. So I've just decided that I'm going to attempt to regain my first love and throw off my blog anxieties! *uhemm*

Okay, I'm off. I'm heading out to a training in Seattle with the organization I'm going to Turkey with.

Prayers appreciated and hopefully I'll give you an update when I'm back (one week from now).

blog drought
i would love to write more but i just haven't had the space or internet time i need to really get into things the way i'd like. i have faith this will change soon when a couple key things fall into place.
1) get a new laptop
2) finish the bulk of my support-raising stuff

as of now, all my computer time is used working on the latter and then by the time i want to do some serious reflecting I'm out of energy and out of time at the local library.

but how bout some highlights?
*i've been watching the Anne of Green Gables movie series. haven't watched these jewels since before puberty. i can't believe how much they've been making me cry. i just cry straight through them. i think part of it is their nostalgic value but i also think i relate a lot to Anne.
*nannying like a ninny (translation: i often work 9 hours a day. can you say "i love baby einstein!")
*learning from Him about holding loosely to material things and holding tightly to Him (ie-missing laptop)
*August is here...already!
*connecting and preparing...ya know...

please pray for the return of my laptop! more details later...

to Him who is able to do more than we can ask or imagine!

Very excited about:

*Ten Thousand Villages free trade store that recently opened in Pasadena. Today was the opening day and I just happen to stop by. It was great. There was a family playing African music and they actually happened to be Christian. When I walked in they were singing, "Lord, I want to serve you". Apparently, they are the founders of a small non-profit dedicated to issues in Africa.

Check it out! It's on Lake across from Borders.

*The Pasadena House of Prayer! So exciting... They have corporate prayer from 8pm to 10pm weekly (except Thursday, Sat and Sun.) and anybody can just stop by. Lovin it. It's very close to the Lake and Washington Blvd. intersection. And you can also make an appointment to have a couple people pray over you for an hour.

*Super quote of the month, maybe even super quote of the year!

suburban post-modernist

Calvin and Hobbes seriously makes me laugh everyday (I read a comic strip a day)

You know you need that in this crazy world....

i'm back from catalina! what a fun little island! pics to come....

Holy smokes! Happy 5th of July...

I awoke in the middle of the night with a strange noncommittal cough and while stumbling around my room looking for some water I noticed an unusual fog outside my window. Later at breakfast I overheard someone say the low mist wasn't fog but left over smoke from all the fireworks.

You see I live at the foot of the San Gabriel mountains and all the smog, smoke, whatever gets stuck here in the foothills. Lovely. But despite this, so far I really like living in Pasadena.

Anyway, what I was really going to say was does anybody (who lives in LA) have a sleeping bag and/or sleeping mat I could borrow? I'm going camping with my sister from July 10th to the 13th, so it would be great if I could borrow that stuff before then.

check out kimyung's new blossoming business online!

http://www.originaletees.com/

zee old school homies at TM

here they are. dear friends i hadn't seen for almost ten years. notice that they've each grown a posse during the interim between our meetings.

aren't they beautiful...

moriah and elvis

elvis and i in nashville

elvis, mo and i had a great time in nashville. it was amazing to be in nashville with mo. first of all, mo is a great musician and is in-the-know when in comes to the blue grass scene in nashville.

and most importantly it was fun and meaningful to reunite after not seeing each other for ten years!! i still can't believe that it had been that long.

me and momma

yes, my cross country trip was more than just endless desert. i saw many wonderful people. this is sandy's baby shower in b-more.

i was able to see a lot of the people i affectionately call my "wedding friends" at sandy's shower. these are gals and guys that i met at sandy's wedding. i've uniquely bonded with these people (i think it's mutual :-) so it was fun to see them again.

i also stayed with my dear friend al in dallas. it's always fun to hang with her fam (silly us-we didn't take any pics!).

June graduates!

congrats to my sister who graduated with her MA in marriage and family therapy this month.

desert danger zone

this is the rest area that i thankfully stopped to check my tires at before i entered hours of uninhabited desert. i had two flats and waited for hours in my car for AAA. they never came and eventually the sheriff helped me get to a hotel. the nearest town was wicket.

i became fascinated with these tiny desert highway towns that scrape out most of their living by servicing travelers passing through. i would look around at what seemed like a couple deserted dried out buildings and wonder why people even stay there.

when i chatted with the guys that were changing my tires, i felt at times that we could barely understand each other. i couldn't understand their mumbled country dialect and they probably couldn't understand my mumbley city dialect. i felt more like a rich city girl at that time than i ever have in the States. i wanted them to know that i wasn't that type but i suppose to them i was no matter what i thought otherwise.

a week after i got home from my trip cross country, i watched the animated film "cars" with my sis's fam. it was like watching an animated expression of the adventure i had just been through and it actually touched on many of the issues i had been reflecting on regarding "progress" and rural communities.

edit: the title of this post doesn't mean anything. it's just the silly title i gave this pic and i accidentally let it carry through to blogger.

oil aliens

i was strangely mesmerized by my slowly teetering oil sucking companions that were along my road side for hours in west texas.

random freak storms in the desert

this was also somewhere in the desert of west texas or arizona. it was super hot so the random rain showers were a surprise.

welcome to nowhere

driving through the desert of west texas or maybe it was arizona at that point. notice the "desert trees". it was my first time seeing cactus like that. i felt like i was in a road runner cartoon. :-)

I'm in Tennessee now. It was a bit of a culture shock when I went into a gas station on the way here and everybody was yes, mam-ing me and calling me honey with a slow southern drawl. I honestly felt like I was in a movie.

Well, I'm off to explore Nashville with my friend that knows all the blue-grass music spots.

Hey, ya' all...

That's right-I'm finished and once again I'm packing up. I'm getting ready to drive out to B-more for Sandy's baby shower this Saturday. Tomorrow is my last day in Brattleboro, VT. It's likely I won't be back for a good couple years. (I've got to come back eventually to present my research.)

There's so much I want to say and so many emotions, thoughts bubbling around. But I guess to summarize it all I could say I'm walking away broken, you could even call it a bit shaken. But in a good victorious way. Because I've learned a little more about dying to me and instead living in Him.

I'm thankful.

For God, who said, "Let light shine out of darkness," made his light shine in our hearts to give us the light of the knowledge of the glory of God in the face of Christ. But we have this treasure in jars of clay to show that this all-surpassing power is from God and not from us.
We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair; 9persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed. We always carry around in our body the death of Jesus, so that the life of Jesus may also be revealed in our body. For we who are alive are always being given over to death for Jesus' sake, so that his life may be revealed in our mortal body.
2 Cor. 4: 5-11

the cutest pic!

the cutest pic! .

jewliet a couple years ago...isn't this the best pic! june gets all the credit for this picture...

two more days of SIT life. can you believe that? i can't. wish i could contemplate it for hours but instead I'm trying to write a paper on the Turkish financial crisis. what was i thinking?

i'm visualizing finishing this paper...yes, I see it in my mind's eye...it is oh so easy. ommmmmm.....

and this book's title made me snigger..... (is that a word? :-)

A Generous Orthodoxy: Why I Am a Missional, Evangelical, Post/Protestant, Liberal/Conservative, Mystical/Poetic, Biblical, Charismatic/Contemplative, Fundamentalist/Calvinist, Anabaptist/Anglican, Methodist, Catholic, Green, Incarnational, Depressed-yet-Hopeful, Emergent, Unfinished CHRISTIAN

Yup. It's time. I'm in the process of finishing my last paper and I'm wondering if I'm going to pull it off. Why is the last one always the hardest? It's like I'm just not taking it seriously enough...I need to get panicked so I'll actually get my butt in gear. Did I mention this is due Friday?!

Next week is my last week of classes. I can't believe it. Then I'm "on the road again" and this time literally because I'm driving cross country with someone else's car. That's an interesting story. Maybe I'll get to sharing that sometime but basically the Lord hooked me up.

I'm going to be stopping by Dallas and yee-ha, seeing some friends I haven't seen in a long time. And then I'm SD bound and plan to spend most of my summer in Pasadena. Yo!

Help stop human trafficking! As many of you know every May 3rd is my own personal "stop human trafficking day" This annual observance started on May 3rd a couple years ago as result of a powerful documentary I saw on that day.

So say a prayer with me today for the thousands trapped in this industry. And if you don't know much about the issues check out these links...

http://www.catwinternational.org/

http://www.amnestyusa.org/stopviolence/trafficking/

"mainly, i think that the rise in gas prices is important because it is the only way to bring fundamental change to a culture which thrives on consumption without responsibility. global warming and air quality are issues that are already threatening the health of our species; but equally threatening is our population's cultural infatuation with a consumer lifestyle. this is what drives reactionary politics which retard long-term perspective; this is what motivates exploitation of the third world, global inequities in health and wealth, and ultimately the prejudices which justify social hierarchies and immoral wars.

the rise in gas prices might help to encourage community where previously people were at liberty to operate as individuals. it will certainly spur technological innovation which will protect the environment. and at the very least, it should force us to reconsider how carelessly we consume our world's most valuable natural resource."

can you say, "WORD!"

Sabbath economics?

The interesting thing about knowledge is that it changes you...and once you know enough you start feeling like you can't go back..even if you want to.

This Ecological Footprint Quiz estimates how much productive land and water you need to support what you use and what you discard. After answering 15 easy questions you'll be able to compare your Ecological Footprint to what other people use and to what is available on this planet.

Eureka!

I LOVE this person whoever they are!! hehe! They pretty much did the bulk of my work for my up-coming training called, "Christians and Sustainable Living"

Oh man, I'm so glad I found this link! This is really going to help....

"The Center for a New American Dream is dedicated to reducing resource consumption and improving the quality of life in North America."

http://www.newdream.org/


Uh-huh....that's what I'm talking about.

Hubba mumma...getting busy. Four more weeks and the birds are singing, the flowers bursting forth. And I'm even beginning to think of the things I'm going to miss about little ole Brattleboro, VT.

Okay, news about where I'm going next soon to come......... :-)

Spring is here!

Thank you, Jesus!!

Jeff Sachs sporting his red power tie

Aren't we all down with Montreal....

Montreal

Raaaaarrrrrrr! Montreal

Cheers! to one of the finest hosts in NYC...

Joyce in ny city

My team and I are doing our training tomorrow. I've been preparing some interesting stuff. Part of our training includes the stages of cultural identity formation proposed by Myron Lusting and Jolene Koester.

Unexamined cultural identity-one’s cultural characteristics are taken for granted and consequently there is little interest in exploring cultural issues

Cultural identity search-involves a process of exploration and questioning about one’s culture in order to learn more about it and to understand the implications of membership in that culture

Cultural identity achievement-characterized by a clear, confident acceptance of oneself and an internalization of one’s own cultural identity

Reading stuff like this through out the year has made me think a lot about "white culture", white cultural identity and what the relation is between race and culture...

Scholars have suggested that the cultural identities of many European Americans, in particular, have remained largely unexamined, a consequence of the power, centrality, and privilege that the European American cultural groups has had in the United States.

As Judith Martin, Robert Krizek, Thomas Nakayama, and Lisa Bradford suggest,

"This lack of attention to white identity and self-labeling reflects the historical power held by whites in the United States. That is, whites as the privileged group take their identity as the norm or standard by which other groups are measured, and this identity is therefore invisible, even to the extent that many whites do not consciously think about the profound affect being white has on their everyday lives."

Hmmmmmm.....

Help stop the genocide in Darfur....

"After reflecting on the genocide in Rwanda, the Senator Paul Simon said: "If every member of the House and Senate had received 100 letters from people back home saying we have to do something about Rwanda, when the crisis was first developing, then I think the response would have been different."

That's a powerful statement. It means that we had the power to stop the genocide in Rwanda, but that too many of us chose not to act. It also means that we have the power now to stop the genocide in Darfur if we do choose to act."

one small act...

I'm back in Vermont and it's the final stretch, baby! 6 weeks and counting!

Uh-huh!! Ooooh-yeah! (doing the Napoleon Dynamite dance...)

Why am I always too busy when I come home to visit? I asked this rhetorically as I was leaving my sister's house tonight and she answered matter of fact, "Because it's a short of amount of time." And I was like, "oh yeah." :-)

In other news...
As my sis's fam and I were eating at a restaurant tonight I was struck with how excessive this American life is. We were chit-chatting and I looked down at my salad fit for three. And even though I continued with the conversation, I felt a bit sick about the excessive and often blissfully ignorant lives we live. Stuffing ourselves into obesity while others starve. I almost had to stop eating. I felt fat, bloated...wasteful.

On a less serious note, I'm excited to share my plans with you all in the near future. Things are coming together, so I think I can share more details soon.

good news: i'm in san diego! (yeah!)

bad news: i'm sick. (boo!)

But i'm still having a good time...pictures to come....

This is a good week. I'm even a bit giddy! Today I'm driving down to NYC with a handful of other SIT students to attend the Sustainable Development conference being put on by Columbia. I'll be back from that Wednesday and then Friday I'm flying home to San Diego for spring break.

yeah!!!!

And then after I get back from spring break I'll essentially have about a month left of school! Thank you, Jesus! That is such a sweet thought (beaming smile)! I still have a ton of work to do in that last month but it's still a sweet thought nonetheless (still beaming)!

And it's going to be interesting to go this conference where the school of thought about development is quite different. It's going to be healthy for us to hear perspectives that would make some of our teachers either faint or howl.

I was listening to a speech Jeffrey Sachs was giving on the village project he's involved in and certain things he said were textbook examples of what many of my teachers think is wrong with main stream views on development.

I had the full on angry SIT commentary running in the back of mind as I was listening to the speech as if one of my theory classes was in my brain and I could hear their gasps of unbelief and disapproval. I almost cried out, "Watch out, Jeff, for that rotten tomato!" but then realized he was safe in my computer. :-)

Ever wonder what the heck is Joyce getting her MA in anyway? What's that woman talking about?

What is Sustainable Development? (this will give you a working definition because you know how everything is debatable and controversial in academia-specially in this field)

Sustainable development is a process of developing (land, cities, business, communities, etc) that "meets the needs of the present without compromising the ability of future generations to meet their own needs" according to the Brundtland Report, a 1987 report from the United Nations.

Take a Sustainable Development quiz...you know you know whaz up (after being informed on my blog-right? uh...yeah)!

Listen to an interview with good old Jeffrey Sachs, author of "The End of Poverty", on the current state of Sustainable Development.

thank you terror
thank you disillusionment
thank you frailty
thank you consequence
thank you silence

thank you, jesus, for all i have right now

Ever wonder what you, little ole YOU, can do in the fight against poverty or AIDS? Feel powerless and insignificant when it comes to these issues?

Hey, you can play your part little by little as a citizen. For example, sending emails or calling your senator about these issues. You can be informed about these issues and what to call about by getting on this list.

Have you ever called your senator? It's easier than you think.

What is The ONE Campaign?
ONE is a new effort by Americans to rally Americans - ONE by ONE - to fight the emergency of global AIDS and extreme poverty. The ONE Campaign is engaging Americans through a diverse coalition of faith-based and anti-poverty organizers to show the steps people can take, ONE by ONE, to fight global AIDS and poverty.

edit: hehe... This kind of sounds like a 6th grade civics assignment or something. But I'm serious, people! :-)

News, news but sorry no booze....

Well, I just wanted to let you guys know that I might be doing my internship overseas, so that you won't be too surprised if it works out. For quite a while, I changed my mind everyday about the direction I wanted to go after my on-campus phase here was finished (May 19th-ish!). Mostly, I just wasn't sure the direction God wanted me to go in. I've known for quite a long time that I was eventually heading overseas as a long term Christian worker. I've wanted to go into full time work overseas for a while but feel the Lord had been telling me to wait.

A couple months ago I was debating if I should work with a secular nonprofit org or a Christian nonprofit org. But now it seems I've gotten a peace about moving towards what I really want to do.

Hmmm...this is all very cryptic. I guess that's because things are still in the works. But all that babbling was to say please pray for me as I seek God's will in all of this. I so easily try to take the reigns of my own life and I need your prayers and advice as I seek Him.

And the second bit of news is that I'm going to Montreal with some friends this weekend! (It's just a three hour drive...so we're seizing the day. ooh-la-la!)

This has been one hard year but even in the midst of my worrying and anxiety hope often still wells up in my heart. In my wrestling with self-absorption, self-pity and inertia, the certainty that I'm learning something, that I'm being trained shines quite beautifully in my mind. It's this idea that has really served as a turning point for me.

Life is challenging. Ministry that transforms people also transforms you in the process and as we've seen in many cheesy sci-fi movies transformation can be painful. When I've chosen to see this year with its various difficult circumstances through the lens of training, everything seems clearer. I feel tougher and more resilient.

I've cried a lot but I've also prayed my brains out. I've fought spiritually and won but also lost. But that is what the spiritual life is really about anyway. I've often felt like a failure this year but ironically these pressures have produced a brokenness that has reaped more earnest and consistent prayer than I've prayed in a long time. And then there's the hope that I'm walking out into new territory. When something dies in you, even though it's painful there is the excitement of the resurrection.

"I tell you the truth, unless a kernel of wheat falls to the ground and dies, it remains only a single seed. But if it dies, it produces many seeds." John 12:24

This chick is sooo funny... How she personifies her animals reminds me of Ro. It just seems like a very Ro-ish thing to do.

DC baby! In front of Washington monument....

more random thoughts..

I think I'm getting sick. Even at 7:30pm I seriously considered going to bed because I was so tired.

It seems I often unwittingly live in places with activist/socialist leanings. Even though I don't see myself as fitting that mold entirely at all, it seems that I must be one deep down as I always end up in areas like that. (ex. Portland, Vermont)

I was reading some of my poems online tonight and realized that I haven't posted any since 2004. It's not that I haven't written any poems in the last year because I have. It's just that...it seems I've hit a wall with my poetry.

Most of my poetry over the last couple years seems like a broken record to me. It's always the same thing. It's like I'm trying to get past something but instead I just keep repeating the same theme. And for my journal that's okay because that's the way I deal with my raw emotions. But I haven't posted any of it because most of it annoys me. hmmmmm....

Check this movie out....

Weird. Right now blogger isn't showing the comments I made under my pictures. Anyway, the snowmanless house is where I live right now. It's my Vermonter house. :-)

Right now I'm actually staying with Sandy in Baltimore for my break. Trying to do stuff that I don't normally do like email and load pics while she's at work. Her growing bump is SO amazing. Makes me want to have babies right now. hehe

If you look at my "more pics" link you'll see some new pics I've recently uploaded. (sorry no pics of sandy's bump yet)

You know one thing the West coast has down? Clean bathrooms. And something amazing and oh so novel here on the East coast-paper seat covers. Apparently this beautiful invention has not occurred to the East coast because they don't have them in any bathroom (except for maybe the airport)! So the result is lovely pee covered toilets everywhere. Even the nicer places.

Vonderful.

So that's one pleasant surprise whenever I go home to CA-wow, the bathrooms aren't landmines of grossness that I have to navigate with utmost care lest I catch some disease!

This is my Vermont house.

Winter in VT.

Sorry I've fallen off the face of the planet. I just finished Spring 1 at my school which is like a mini semester. So the last couple weeks I was trying to finish papers and projects. Now I'm on break and will be going back for Spring 2 next week. This week I'm going to catch up on emails.

yeah!

you gotta love, Bono!

random thoughts...

Amazed and awed as I realized how far we've really come as women. When my grandfather was born women were still fighting to vote in England. Wyoming was the forerunner giving women voting rights in 1869! I said 1869!

That's really not that long ago when measured in life times. Just a couple generations ago. People my grandmother knew (her grandmother, aunts) lived when women were struggling for the right to vote. It's wild when you think about it. My grandmother's life has contained interactions with people from both that time and our current time period.

Saudi Arabia still doesn't allow women to vote!

I was thinking the other day how bizarre it is that Memoirs of a Geisha has all the actors and actresses speaking in broken English with a supposed Japanese accent. It's weird if you think about it. We're watching a story that is supposedly set in Japan and in reality they would be speaking in Japanese but instead they're speaking in broken English. Like that's supposed to make it more authentic! haha!

Wouldn't it be funny if the tables were turned? A movie about some historical period in the US like the Civil War with "real "American actors speaking broken Japanese! How bizarre that would be. hmmmm....what does that reveal to us about power and language, my fellow space cadets?

I had a sudden sadness surge (S.S.S. according to the american psychological society...okay, I'm just joking about that last part...don't be so gullible!) when I was reading through an article on the nuclear arms race. Particularly when I came to a chart titled "the cold war: navigate through history."

I had been pretty peppy up to that point but after reading through the lists of conflicts categorized into the 1950s, 1960s, 1970s, 1980s, 1990s and today. I wanted to just lay my head down and squeeze some tears out.

But I just sighed and thought “I just don't get it”. I read every day about revolution, social justice, power to the people and standing up for the marginalized, the oppressed....yadddaaaa, yadddaa!

And I so often want to ask these same people that spout these noble ideas, what or who are we fighting against? Who is the big bad "they" that we so often refer to? Because the same people that yell themselves hoarse don't believe in evil. We are all groovy. Like in "we are the world".

But that's what I don't get.

When I trace the cheery chart of conflicts over the last 50 years, I know the "they" I'm fighting against is not out there somewhere. But is the face staring back at me in the mirror. That "they" is all of us. That's what I want to hear more about, Che. Sorry, buddy but that revolution is not enough. I...we need a deeper, more fundamental revolution.

Thank you, Jesus, for when I don't have technical difficulties because when I do have them it's super annoying! Like right now. Randomly explorer is doing the weirdest stuff.

Anyway, life has been surprisingly busy. Last semester the first 4 weeks of class were low demand-not the case this semester. I'm also starting to feel a bit pressured about applying to internships. There are just too many options! I am feeling somewhat paralyzed by the myriad of directions I could go in. But I'm working on that and just this morning I was reminding myself just to take everything one step at a time.

Which brings me to some hook-ups I need from YOU! Yes, you staring at my lovely blogola. I'm going to be taking a one week citizen advocacy class in DC Feb. 13th through the 17th. Does anybody know anyone in the nonprofit sector that I could chat with about the scene in DC? Church connections, your impressions of the culture of DC, or just info in general is also welcome.

But back on the farm, life is good off campus. I'm LOVING it. It's really making me realize what a cool little town Brattleboro is. My house is a five minute walk away from downtown with all its artsy stores, coffee shops and breweries.

Fun...I am one with the city. ooooommmmm....

I've moved into a classic Vermont house. It's a hundred years old, has a bathtub with clawed feet, squeaky doors with huge key holes and drafty wood floors.

Yes, I'm renting a room from an elderly woman that watched all six of her children grow up in this house and then move out. She lived here with her husband until he passed away twenty years ago. Lots of memories in this house...yup, that's for sure.

So far living off campus is absolutely marvelous but it has only been about three hours since my friends and I hauled all my crap up these stairs. :-)

Dang, even wikipedia has a section on the emerging church. This is also a really funny and enlightening (definitely going to read some of the books listed) critique of emerging churches.

Okay, going to bed. Leaving for Vermont bright and early!

what a sparse blogger i've been since i've been home in the CA. all my entries since the beginning of the break can fit on one page. that's a first.

yeah, it's been really busy. i've hardly been home. it's been more like my gram's house has been "my base" as i've been out hanging out and catching up with people about 85% of the time. it's been good but I would have liked a little more down time. By the time I got back from Portland I had definitely had enough of sleeping at different people's houses. Seriously, maybe I'm a closet introvert.

well, i'm gearing up to go back to Vermont early Sunday morning. i've been really afraid of going back most of the break but now that it's drawing near I'm feeling braver. it's been such a mixed bag at that crazy school. On one hand, i love what i'm learning and i never regret going there but on the hand there are so many things that frustrate and terrify me about being there.

Potential failure, rejection seem to loom around every corner. People are ultraliberal, oversensitive, reactionary and often illogical when it comes to debating issues.

Underneath it all something scarier moves and drifts just below the surface of my consciousness like an indiscernible creature in murky waters. What is it the squinting fishermen ask. It's....me or rather what I fear most about myself. The fears and insecurities that threaten to swallow me, that seem to have a life of their own and without much notice fight to take over my life.

Who has control of my life?

Lord, You do. Please help me....I really don't know if I can do it.....

I'm much better now. It ended up being food poisoning which I 'spose is better than the flu.

I'm in Portland now. Recently got back from Crystal's wedding festivities. Her wedding was beautiful, original and on the fly. She asked me over the phone as I was driving to the church if I could read some scripture during the service. This was fifteen minutes before the service was starting. ;-) Pictures to come….

Okay, need my sleep to prevent people overload syndrome.

Oh man, what am I going to do? I've suddenly come down with this stomach sickness and I'm leaving on a plane for Portland tomorrow. Bad, bad timing. I've been nauseous all day. Then my stomach finally had enough a couple hours ago and ejected everything I've eaten today which is basically nothing.

What am I going to do? If I don't improve, I could be a nightmare to sit with on the plane. :-) I think I'm getting sick again....heading for the bathroom.

Pray for me!

Happy 2006 everyone!!

I don't get it! People keep on telling me that they call my gram's landline and it's busy a lot. Which is highly unlikely being as they never talk on the phone. Hmmm.... So if you call and it's busy-try again.

sorry...

Happy after Christmas and Happy post B-day!

Thanks for all your b-day love! I'm starting my 23rd year of life (ah-hem!) with lots of love.

Anywho, just wanted to let you all know before I jetted over to my oldest old school homie's (alison and her three beautiful offspring) house that "I'm coming up....I want the world to see..." You know that song-right?

Well, I'm coming up to LA around the 30th and probably staying until the 2nd. So give me a holla if you want to hang out.

haha! Finally googlevideo posted my video submission. Hehe....

Here it is...

Enjoy!

Wireless is splendid. I'm waiting at Bradley Airport in Hartford and checking my email for free. It's amazing how quickly technology is developing. A couple years ago this would have been a foreign concept for me. What's going to be next? What will I be taking for granted in the next couples years that would amaze me now?

I've escaped from my life of drudgery and I'm out in the open. Yes, sailing away with gleeeeeee, babeeeee! How's that for alliteration. Oh-jah! Unfortunately, I've had to sail away with some homework still to complete but I'll get it done in the next couple days.

ONE DAY AWAY!! And I can't make myself work. This is getting bad.

Yeah, and I'm wondering what's it all about. Will I ever break out of the chains that bind me? ...my self doubt.

Enough melodramatic proclamations as I listen to cheesy Backstreet Boys music....and the reason I'm listening-you ask. This SOO funny video made by these Chinese students. Man, this brings me to tears. These guys have a future in acting. Can't you see them in Kung Fu Hustle? (which is a really good movie by the way)

Note: Talking about this stuff somehow reminds me of when I was happy and I wasn't trapped in this dungeon of a school. Oh no, I'm being melodramatic again.

Well, so finding this video on Allen's blog also caused me to discover the whole world of googlevideo. Amazing! You can upload your videos for the world to see for free. So finally I can upload some of my videos to my blog. So Ro and Pohang girls I'm sorry but yes, you're going to be stars. :-) hehe

Coming soon....
"Taekwondo Adventures"

yes, cheesy but true......

3 more days, baby!!!! Oh the ecstasy! hehe

If only I could close my eyes and then suddenly be on the plane. But alas I have to keep my eyes open, so I won't trip over an icicle and land face first in the snow. (otherwise you know, I'd maybe try keeping my eyes closed for the next 3 days)

Hardy-har-har-har-har..har, har!!

In other news, it's shaping up to be a busy Christmas break. But thank God, I think it's long enough that I'll still have time to reflect, read and send out resumes.

It's looking like I'm going to be in Portland from the 5th-ish to the 11th-ish of January for my friend, Crystal's wedding. (Congrats, babe!) I'm still waiting on my sis to firm up the dates. She's hopefully going to come with me, so we can also work on some important family stuff while we're up there.

Then I'm going to be in LA sometime between the 19th of December and Jan. 5th. That's still in the works. I think I may go up a couple days before I leave for Portland. Here I am day dreaming about my vacation while I should be working on my paper.

hmmmm... bah-humbug!

oh, whoopsie...I'm going to do that tag thing soon, marg...

I'm on the homestretch, baby!! Oh yeah! Uh-huh! Oh yeah!

Four more days and then I'm taking offffffffffffffffff in a blaze of glory!!!! I'm almost over the giant stress mountain-one more paper and one more presentation. OHHHH yeah!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I need to get away and reflect on my whole experience here thus far.

And it looks like someone put my blog address on Handong's i2 boards (the university I used to teach at) So "hi" wonderful Handong students!!!!!!!! I miss you!

If you emailed me in the past and I didn't email you back it might be because "hanmail" sometimes doesn't receive "yahoo" emails.

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me in my new winter coat (I'm not talking about my jacket but the 5 new pounds I've gained....keeping me warm...)

and 7 more days and counting! Oh yeah!!!!!! And 7 days of Christmas and my true love gave to me....

9 more days! let me count the ways...

on a different note, it's snowed like crazy here. Everything looks like it's covered with white frosting....pictures are coming soon.

11 more days! Yee-ha!

two more classes and one more week....

two more papers and two presentations....

I hate to be a party pooper but I CAN'T WAIT until I'm out of here. I now have one week left after my class this Friday. Happy day! yeah, yeah! And as of this moment I have exactly 12 days until my plane is taking off.

I'm leaving on a jet plane!!! Can't wait till I'm out of here! la, la! Everybody sing along!

This is my new motto till I'm outta here:

"One of the secrets of life is to make stepping stones out of stumbling blocks." - Jack Penn