Sometimes I feel like I'm in God's Special Ed. program. Another person could do so many of things I've done and so many of the things I'm going to attempt so much better. I actually know people who would be much more effective and efficient than me in so many of my dreams.

I was finishing my application/essay for Biola and thinking about my dreams and aspirations for the future as I emailed the last of the documents. And I thought, "My dreams are SO much bigger than my ability to accomplish them. Who am I kidding? Who do I think I am?"

Then the thought occurred to me that this a good thing, so that God's power could be that much clearer. That's definitely the case in my life. I feel like I'm always pulling off these amazing things but it's just totally luck. Secretly, God and I are always having a good laugh at the folly of it all. That someone like me could have so many opportunities. It doesn't make sense. But God's equation doesn't make sense, when you add Him into the picture all the numbers go crazy.

For example:
poor carpentar+no training+poor unimportant family+3 years preaching=most influential world figure ever

But here's the real equation:
poor carpentar+no training+poor unimportant family+3 years preaching(God factor)=most influential world figure ever

Even though I know that in my weakness He is strong I still can't help feeling guilty sometimes that He has entrusted me with so much when I know others would do better than me with the resources He's given. However, at the same time I know God's program doesn't work that way. His program often doesn't work with the strong/talented but enlists the weak and broken that He may shine brighter.

So I go on depending on Him in my inadequacy that He may glare brighter as He shocks us all with what He can do with a weak, dependent underachiever.

Hail thee Lady Liberty! The Statue of Liberty and her trusty NYC tour guide, Chris!


Three babes on top of the Empire State building. brrrr... It was cold and blustery up there!

Well, more NYC pics to come in the coming weeks and hopefully a summary of my time there.

I was reading what I wrote in my last entry and reliving that memory still causes pain to pull tightly around my heart. I know the other Pohang girls feel similarly (even Sandy who left Korea to marry the man of her DREAMS) which leads me to wonder what was so powerful about that time? Of course, it was a great time with incredible people. But to be honest, I have lots of great friends (as do the other Pohang girls) and I've had a lot of amazing times in my life. But there's something special about the loss of that time.

Just theorizing. It was very concentrated. Just us four, for two years. We did everything together in a fish bowl of sorts.

Well, on to other things before my non-Pohang girl readers start to puke. :-)

Movies I need to see soon:
Lost in Translation
Garden State
House of Flying Daggers (same director as Hero. I've got to see this movie! It looks like more eye-candy from this director. Unfortunately, it's not showing anywhere in SD yet. And they're showing stupid stuff like Blade or whatever that dumb movie's name is instead of this movie!)
Elf (I thought it would be dumb but I saw an advertisement and it looked hilarious! Am I right?)

Okay, breaking news: I'm SLIGHTLY considering going to Biola this January instead of starting that web-design program that I've been bemoaning this whole semester. (bemoaning because I didn't start it in September like I had originally planned) I need to really pray about this and there are a lot of things to consider. I put it out there because I REALLY REALLY need people to pray for me about that. There is a high probability that I'll just stay with the current plan of starting the web-design program in January but just wanted to let you know what I’m thinking about.

Oh and Happy B-day to you, you live in a zoo, you smell like kim-chi and you even spell your name that way, too! (haha, get it? Sandy Chi + Scott Kim= Sandy Kim-chi) Happy B-day! (her b-day's on the 11th, everyone. Just in case you were wondering)

Well, happy b-day, Joanne. Hope you received my e-card. It just seems like yesterday that we were celebrating our December b-days all together at Lilac. I remember it clearly. We had our White Russians and our ice cream cake from Baskin Robin's. Sandy was wearing that colorful funky hat. I was video taping and wearing my new Handong Global University sweatshirt that I had just received from Joanne (which coincidently I'm wearing right now). "Phillylo" was just a distant, impossible twinkle in Sandy's eyes. End of semester grading stress was in full swing but hey, that never stopped us from having a good time. Just shows you how much can change in a year. Amazing! Well, happy b-day to Sandy, Joanne and me-the December birthday three! (and Ro you're cool even though your b-day is in March)

You know, my only beef with Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind is that it isn't the comedy it claims to be. It is a fascinating, unique movie with spectacular acting but a comedy it definitely is not. In an interview with an actor the other day on NPR Terry Gross made the comment that there are actors that you watch and think, "There's an actor." and then there are actors that you watch and think, "There's a normal person. That could be a person at Starbucks or at my work." The latter was definitely the case with Kate Winslet in this move. She was so convincing. I had no idea that she was that great of an actress. Jim Carey was also pretty good.

The movie had an almost hypnotic, dream-like quality to it. A lot of the movie takes place in Jim Carey's mind, his memories to be more specific. But his memories seem to take on a mind of their own much like our dreams do. We are in control of our dreams supposedly but they seem to interact with us in strange ways. At one point Jim Carey is telling the doctor that he no longer wants his memories of his girlfriend removed but the doctor responds it's too late I'm a memory in your head that you're talking to. As Jim Carey relives his memories that are being removed the memories start to distort similarly to how our dreams sometimes become distorted. It was actually a bit disturbing at times but I still enjoyed the movie. However, it won't be a movie I'll watch over and over again.

Okay, I promised myself that I'd reflect on some of the academic stuff I'm currently reading instead of just talking about silly stuff like the links in my profile! :-) But alas, I've run out of time and my stomach is rumbling. But I really, really am going to try to hash out some of my ideas that reading The Lexus and the Olive Tree is provoking in my next entry. Ha, famous last words of this blogger but I really am going to try. :-)

Tonight in class I was treated with an elementary-school-style rudeness that I haven't experienced for quite a while. We were all assigned a scenario and roles to play. The scenario involved a complicated land dispute, which involved the interests of a church, a land development corporation, a small business, the local government and the local community. I just so happened to represent the church in my group (the role was assigned to me). Unfortunately, I was the only one representing my claim in my group and I had to face down the corporates and the government all by my lonesome.

Regrettably, they happened to be slightly rude, vindictive %#!&s and to top it off they happen to work in this field so they deal with these kinds of scenarios everyday. So they had an axe to grind. So yeah, they laughed arrogantly in my face several times. It was grand. I was actually taken off guard by this because before this point I had considered everyone in the program to be exceptionally thoughtful, kind citizens. Well, I definitely saw the RUDE side of three of my female classmates. But to be honest, I had always kept a distance from these three girls and now I know why my intuition had led me that way.

I don't take things like that well. I actually think in that respect I'm easy prey. Perhaps people with thicker skins could have laughed it off or thought of pithy answers but not me. I started to lose my temper. I don't do well in situations where people don't really listen but just attack and laugh.

So I came home steaming about it. I've decided I'm going to email each of them individually when I've lost my sarcasm and calmly tell them I didn't appreciate their @#!$$%^. Just kidding. But I am going to email them and tell them I didn't appreciate how they acted during the project. I actually feel that is the healthy alternative as opposed to us all feeling a little uncomfortable around each other from now on.

Okay, this is not going to be a real entry. Just a half-hearted "i'm here and alive" entry. Here I am. I was going to write a real entry but instead I got sucked into clicking on the links in my profile. (The right corner of my blog for those that are totally oblivious to those sorts of things. You know who you are, joanne.) Did you know that if you put in your fav movies and the other stuff on your profile that blogger actually creates a link to everyone else that listed the same as you? It's been really interesting to read about the different people who like the same books, music and movies as me.

If I click Matrix I tend to find intellectual sci-fi people but if I click Anne of Green Gables the people that share this link tend to be women under 25. It's like doing Social Science using movies or people's interests.

Let's call it "interest clustering". Try it. Often people that like the same movies have a lot more in common than just movies according to Joyce Thompson's "Interest Clustering" study.

What really trips me out is when I click on a person who likes the same movie as me and they’ve listed the same movies and music as me. Then I'm like, "Hey, only I'm allowed to have that great of taste! Stop copying me!"

If you don’t know what I’m talking about then you need to get with the (blog) program!

Happy Thanksgiving to all!

It doesn't seem real but I'm flying out to Baltimore tomorrow morning. I'll be staying with Sandy and Scott in Baltimore. Then later I'll be in NY seeing the sights and meeting up with new and old friends. Lucky me! I also got a round trip ticket for $233.41! So I can't stop bragging about that!

Hopefully, sometime soon I'll make time to reflect on the family Thanksgiving meal with its joys but also its frustrating post-election political discussions.
:-0

i can't believe this. i'm typing with only my right hand as we speak. why? I was peacefully chopping up veggies to make some vegetable juice when the plump carrot that i was about to hack into rolled over and instead I chopped into my left index finger.

oh yes. My first thought was, "Ahhhhhhhhh!" My second thought was, "oh crap, that is too deep. Ahh, i don't want any shots!" (i have a deep aversion to shots) I ran out to my grams and unc with a reddening napkin around my finger. At first I thought i might have to go to the emergency room but Dr. uncle and grams helped me wrap it with band-aids. It stopped bleeding and we decided that would be okay with a couple band-aids and disinfectant.

But the last half an hour I’ve been walking around my house with my left index finger in the air like I have a great idea or something. (It starts to pulse if I don't hold it up and it's gross feeling not to mention probably not healthy.) After our little emergency died down my grams looked at me walking around the house with my finger in the air and said, "All you need now is a light bulb above your head." Haha, very funny.

Suddenly something as simple as putting my hair in a bun has become a task. This is going to be interesting. Hopefully it will heal quickly.

Ironically, out of nowhere i've also started sneezing in combination with the sniffles. Look now, i'm starting to sound like a certain hypochondriac prof. at Handong. (hehe pohang girls know what i'm talking about)

Growing up is a weird thing. I just came back from my mentor's 50th birthday party. She and her family were a major part of the wallpaper of my teenage years. Those were tender, vulnerable years. I was awakening from the deep slumber of a shaky, unstable childhood. Yes, trying to find my way. Would I survive the perils of teenagehood without a lot of parental guidance? Thank God, I did. I've turned out pretty well if I do say so myself. :-)

My mentor had a lot to do with that, so perhaps that's part of the strain I feel when I hang out with her family and the people that filled that time in my life. Maybe when a butterfly immerges from a cocoon it doesn't want to remember that it used to be a fat, vulnerable caterpillar.

Most of the people there were part of the legacy of the OB years. I remember that humble beach house packed with visitors and teenagers on that extremely wide street. I used to just go over there randomly and grab the key off the nail in the community laundry room. I would let myself in sometimes in the wee hours of the morning, wake up my mentor to talk about life and my worries.

At the party I was talking with a girl from those years. She's now in her 20's but I remember when she was half my size. She and her mom lived down the street from the OB house. She was deathly quiet back then. I could tell that she was much more outgoing now but that it was easy to sink back into "quiet Tracy mode" when she was around this crowd. I could relate to her. That's the weird thing about growing up. Even though my mentor's son is now a foot taller than me it's hard for me to not see him as the 5 year old that kicked me from under the kitchen table.

And perhaps some people at that party looked at me in a similar way. Yes, as I looked around that room I felt the tugs of my ill-fitting past. It’s that residual memory that makes the growing up process weird. Being reminded of who you are in a historical, cumulative sense when you see yourself through the eyes of others and then comparing that with what you see when you look in the mirror.

They say a picture is worth a thousand words. So I figure, "hey, let the pics do the talking." This is a picture tour of my last two weeks. In a couple days I'll write and fill in the gaps.

:-)

The Morning After
I can't believe George Bush won! A relief when it comes to some domestic issues but a nightmare for foreign policy!

Ro's coming in tomorrow to visit me! And then Sandy's wedding is this coming weekend! Amazing-the time has finally come....

Just trying some stuff out with photoshop...

I just made this in my Phototshop class. So I just wanted to see how it looked on the internet and if I could even figure out how to get it up on the internet. It's going to be fun to experiment with this...

Okay, back to class...

God is not a Republican or Democrat!!!

Can I get an AMEN to that!

WORD up!!!! Sojourners magazine!

I'm writing an outline for a project this morning and I just so happened to glance at these paintings by Rene Magritte as I was going through different documents in my computer. Suddenly, the upper one spoke to me more clearly. Before I was just intrigued by it but my brain didn't really unlock anything when I looked at. But this morning I thought "sometimes we make a door where really everything is open to us."

I was so tired today that I went to bed at 8pm but then once I got in bed I couldn't sleep. I know you think that's normal but I can usually sleep any time I want to. So this is a bit weird for me. I'm getting a sore throat, so I want to fight it off. But no-suddenly I just can't sleep. Lame.

So I thought I'd try to blog but I'm not sure I'm going to be able to get into that either cuz what I really want to do is sleep.

I've gone through this weird cycle this week. Sunday and Monday I started seriously thinking I was going to move out my grandma's house. I ended up calling a Christian gal that was going to have a room open in November. We talked and she sounded cool.

Then my mind started to roll through all the implications. If I moved out I would be paying $600 a month in rent/utilities, so I'd have to get a job that could at least make that. Then I could possibly pay the rest of my expenses with my savings. But what about my grandma and uncle...will I get a chance to get over there to cook and clean enough? What job should I get? I started planning my plan A, B and Cs around my priorities here in SD: hanging out and helping out my sis and her fam, preparing my grams and unc to move into a more dependant life style, working on the two certificates I'm getting (or going to get) in Community Economic Development and web design.

I went back and forth between "I'm too old to be staying with my grams, it's going to make me crazy/depressed" to "but they need the help right now and it will save you a lot of money because you don't want to work full time because you're doing these programs” I went to visit my possible roommates' house and eventually came back to the same conclusion. So I went through 3 days of what about this and what about that and tons of calling and thinking when I should have been doing other things. And I came back to square one (staying at my gram's house) even more convinced that it was the right thing to do. Which I guess that often happens when a person is having that "decision crisis". However, it does make me think why didn't I just save myself a lot of time/stress and not go through that mental exercise.

One benefit of that mental exercise is that I came up with an idea for something that has been eating away at my brain. My grandma is 84 and is getting so that she doesn't walk too steadily. My unc has Parkinson's disease, which will continue to get worse. They are getting more and more dependent even though they're fighting it.

I'm most likely just staying here for a year, what about when I leave? Who's going to watch after them? My sis comes over once a week to do yard work but she has a family to take care of. And I think my grams and unc need someone to stay with them. So I thought of this great idea. I got the idea when I was looking at the roommate classifieds on The Rock church website. I could possibly set something up after I leave where some responsible, young Christian girl rents out my room for a cheap price/no cost in exchange for cleaning and perhaps driving duties.

I think this idea could really work. However, I realized that to make it more likely to work I needed to make the house more comfortable. My grams has super bad fashion sense and sometimes I think questionable common sense. And combined with her old age the house is a bit...cluttery. I don't know quite how to explain it. Just the earmarks of my grandmother's house keeping style. Like random things sitting in the same place forever or jerry-rigging weird things to hold the cat food or keeping chairs that are forty years old and then hanging a 20 year old rug on the back of those chairs to top it off or her color-blind choice of white linoleum through out the entire house (yes, she had the carpet torn out and she replaced it with white linoleum a couple years ago. Of course, I was away at college or I would have talked her out of it. And yes, she really is colorblind. She's become so in her old age.)

I'm so used to her being this way that it's just occurred to me in these last couple months that I need to take the initiative and fix the things the way I think they should be. I used to be more like the child that subconsciously thought, "what place do I have to arrange her house". But now I realize she would like it and it's the right thing to do. So I decided I should put my money and time into making the house more comfortable instead of putting that money and time into rent at someone else's house. So my newest project is making a plan for the decor of the living room and family room. It's actually fun. I don't think I'll start until Christmas break when all my classes are over but grams and I still went to Ikea today to get ideas for couches.

Well, that's one of many things on my mind lately. Another big thing on my mind and a BIG cause of stress is my stupid part-time job. That whole situation is a big confusing mystery to me. As my faithful readers know I really felt God led me to that job but as far as my understanding goes it's been mostly a mistake. Especially because it made me delay my entrance into the web-design program I'm going into. Now I'm starting the program Jan 3oth instead of Sept., which seems like to me the worst mistake possible!! Because the January program won't end until October. Which is terrible for me because I'm planning on going to grad-school in Sept. Which means I will miss 2 months of the program. And it doesn't end there. The two months I will miss are perhaps the most important for me because that's when I'll learn to combine all the skills I've been learning into websites. Which is what I most want to learn about!!!

So this really makes me wonder did I hear God wrong? What happened? There isn't a day that goes by that I don't grumble with regret to myself about choosing to delay the program. I suppose that I've gotten better about letting it go. Because it's done-right? There's nothing I can do now.

There's more I could say about this but I'm going to give sleeping another try. :-)

Wow, this kind of silly "picture movie" just spoke to me a lot. Especially because my time here in SD has been riddled with disappointment and confusion.

The words are in Korean but the pics speak loudly enough that you don't need words. The bummer is it's kind of small but if you click on it you should be able to see it better. (When you double click on the pic to the left of the picture you will see "all sizes" click on that and change it to "large" then you'll really be able to see it.)

Blah, blah, blah.....

That's how I feel.

Man, wasn't able to make my blogging time tonight. Bummer. I guess I'll have to wait until Tuesday or Friday to tell you what I really want to write.

Made burritos for the grams and unc crew tonight. Once again forgot that their tolerance for spice is nil compared to me. whoops.

Did some pleasure reading in my "intro to political science" textbook. It really is pleasure reading for me. Which is saying a lot in my case because usually fiction is the only pleasure reading for me.

And finally got kind of caught up on some email and now I'm hitting the sack. But just thought I'd let you know before I go to bed that http://www.opendemocracy.net/ is just the best online webzine in the world. The article on Iraq from the perspective of a foreign born Iraqi was very interesting.

well, good night...

Hypochondriac
Originally uploaded by Snapatorium.

This girl's art spoke to me about how the bombardment of pop-culture often leaves us feeling fractured. Putting on our fractured masks pretending everything is fine. I think her art also reflects the absurd extravagance of our commercial culture. A lot of her work seems to combine 50's looking magazine pics with modern paraphernalia-expressing the evolution of an era and perhaps some of the confusion as we transition from one period to another. Interesting stuff...

I've been planning on making some artwork for my classes along the same strain. Of course, I don't know what it will look like until I'm done. But I think I'm going to combine family pictures and try to modify them to express the "fracturedness" I see in our generation and in myself. That's probably why I was intrigued by her work.

I was reading an interesting article about muli-culturalism tonight. The author was arguing a point on a subject I'm very much still formulating my thoughts on. I'm still sifting through my experiences and setting mental ground work to start the serious labor on the subject. But hearing him argue a certain point of view helped me better understand the parameters of the issue and it helped to know what academia is arguing about concerning this subject.

I've stumbled upon the issue of multi-culturalism vs. assimilation kind of through the back door. I'm white, low/mid-middle class. Went to private Christian schools. Why would I think about it?

Living in other countries has made me think a lot about national identity. For example, Koreans have a strong sense of Koreaness and after a while of living there you get tired of being on the outside.

I also have a lot of second-generation friends. The kind of people that grow up understanding two cultures and yet watching them from the outside I think they grow up with a stronger sense of identity. True-they often complain about the inconveniences of being a minority and I understand. Yet as I ride with in the car with my Mexican-American girlfriend and listen to her talk about her life I wonder, "What am I really?" Am I the absence of culture? The leftover, white, watered-down culture? I'm Czech, German, English, Irish, Scottish, Welsh. But I don't know anything of these cultures or their languages. I guess ultimately it doesn't really bother me. But just when I see the cohesion of my second-generation friends' communities it makes me wonder about assimilation.

With thoughts like these back-loaded in my brain, this article definitely added to the list of things to think about in this respect. He actually argues for assimilation.

"Multiculturalism distorts the past, deforms the present, and diminishes the future. The best of America, says Ali Hossaini, shows the world a better route to a free, unified society: its name is assimilation."

I wanted to write this on Joanne's blog but since she has a super wacko template that she hasn't bothered to fix I'll write it here.

When I was taking a nap today I had this dream that I walked on a plane and then just walked through a door into Joanne's office at Handong. Apparently, she had come back to Handong to work part time while she worked on her dissertation. I walked in her office with my black visor, so at first she didn't recognize me. Then we started jumping around in glee because she was so surprised that I had come to visit her in Korea. Later she told me how life was such a drag because she felt she wasn't getting enough done on her dissertation or something like that. She seemed stressed.

Then I started telling her how it was so weird that I was there in the room because it seemed like I had gotten there in an instance. Then I said, "I know how I'm here. I'm dreaming but we shouldn't talk about it too much or I'll start to wake up." So just then everything around us started to fade away but as it did I was praying for Joanne. Then I was really woken up by my friend Jeannie's voice on my answer machine.

Weird-huh? I woke thinking, "Wow, that's first time I remember being so aware that I was dreaming."

I know what you're saying, Joanne, about the whole hamster thing. You'll get through it. Your semester is almost over. I often feel that way. Probably doesn't help that I have big fat furry cheeks already...

When I wrote the last entry I was really stressed out. I wrote that entry and had a good cry. And it was amazing when I got up the next morning I felt so much better. Everything that seemed so impossible (mostly my part-time job) took on a new light. After I got up in the morning I put the entry on hold because I felt maybe I had disclosed too much. But now I've put it back up because I just don't care if people misunderstand me. It's like what I always tell Alison when she's amazed how honest I am-most of the time the only people that bother to read my blog on a consistent basis are either good friends or bloggy kinds of people. And most of them are the former so I would most likely tell them everything I wrote here anyway.

It is mostly my job that has been the cause of all my distress. It's only a part-time job but for some reason it was really stressing me out (I'm better now). One reason being it is one GAINT logistical nightmare. Then combine that with a high stress, blunt New Yorker for a boss and there you have a recipe for success. It has also nagged me that I gave up starting the Interactive Media Certificate program because of schedule conflicts with this job. That program is one of the main reasons I even came back to SD! I'll now be starting it hopefully in January. However, it might turn out to be for the best because this way I've had a chance to take classes in International Affairs and get ahead in my Photoshop and Illustrator skills.

I feel slightly pathetic moaning and groaning about my job situation when I think of the people I know in the developing world and other fellow bloggers that have way more stressful work situations. But what can I say? It's just the way I feel.

I have my peppermint tea. I've arranged my mood lighting. I'm playing supposedly relaxing music while a police siren sings on a street near by. I finally have a chance to try to pry some of this burden off my back.

I was walking around Chollas Lake yesterday. The atmosphere was just what I like-a crisp, autumn wind whirling around me, golden shadows on the trees, the sunset's reflection on the water. Unfortunately, my inner world did not reflect this tranquil setting and it still doesn't. Stress and anxiousness are burning in me, looking for a way to exit. I feel caged in my own life. I'm squirming to find a way out of circumstances that are like old wrappers around my life. "Sometimes I'm crushed by my own dreams, sometimes I build my tower so high..." I scribbled in my journal as I stared out at the lake.

Every morning I wake up and my mantra is the same, "I hate my job. I want out." Lately, my mantra has expanded to more: I'm tired of the same old burdens, feeling trapped in San Diego, trapped in this house that I grew up in, feeling trapped with the ghosts of my past, trapped in circumstances that I thought that God led me into. I'm so tired of my same old weaknesses, my same old failures! Why did You make me with such deficit? Why have You set me up to fail?

I've begun to blame God. It's time, God. Haven't I lived with this enough? I've followed You; I've chosen a harder road. And yet you've kept me a child, a dependant child trapped in the past. It's your fault! I can't move on with out You doing it! I should be getting married. I should be getting involved with a missions team. But no-I'm back here at ground zero! Back where I began with nothing to show! But no-my life is stunted while I watch everyone growing up around me.

I was having these kind of thoughts when I turned to Ps. 22,

My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?
Why are you so far from saving me, so far from the words of my groaning?
O my God, I cry out by day, but you do not answer.
Yet you are enthroned as the Holy One; you are the praise of Israel.
In you our fathers put their trust; they trusted and you delivered them.
They cried out to you and were saved;
in you they trusted and they were not disappointed.

I'm trying to trust but I feel faith is draining out of my body. I've been holding onto You for such a long time and I'm losing grip on that rope. I asked for one thing and You've left me a fool. That hurts.

"in You they trusted and they were not disappointed..."

help me

want to understand a little more about the big deal with WTO and world trade...

www.maketradefair.com

interesting...

I hope to learn a lot more about these issues this year...

Oh darn. There is so much I want to say but I've run out of time. It's too late tonight for me to really delve into the trenches of what's going in my heart. I really need to pray before I go to sleep. I haven't been able to pray this last week as much as I want. Last week was really busy. The phrase "hit the ground running" comes to mind when I think of me calmly, naively coming out of my labor day weekend not realizing what was about to hit me. "Hit the ground running" is what I needed to do. I didn't. Therefore-I got worked.

Here's a corny semi-poetic rendition of some of the things I've been thinking about:

animation girl in my poli-sci class
she looks so surreal

i can teach this class better than this grad student
should i go into international development?
it would be cool to teach it to people in developing nations

learning this stuff is like receiving water after a long, long walk
whoa, everybody in this development program is dedicated to social change
how does faith relate to economic development, social change?

hungry to dive into the huge pool of web-design
so much to learn, so far to go until I can use it for what I want

lonely, anxious, hopeful
love life a forever, eternal evading shadow
trusting in, complaining to
my Father

I've suddenly gone from wasting my life away boredom to dizzying business. I guess that's what happens when school starts. I'm going to be taking Intro to Political Science and International Contemporary Politics. Everything about these classes is very interesting to me so far. I'll take what I can get at this point. Even though they're community college classes, I'll still be exposed to the vocabulary/ buzzwords and be given a structured reading schedule.

I wasn't planning on taking these classes but as I was looking at the over-priced Spanish textbooks I wandered over to the Sociology and Political Science area. The reading material intrigued me so I decided to just see if I could "crash" the classes. Well, now I'm in. The Political Science class is taught by a young gum chewing grad-student. It was amusing for me being as I just finished teaching at the university level myself. I think there is something unique about teaching people close to your age.

Here's a reading assignment that I have to write a response to for my International Politics class eventually. For each approach we have to read several articles on the subject. (Pohang girls, you know this is scratching where I've been itching. I think we've had discussions about these very issues.)

Terrorism
What should we do now?

Approach 1: We must use every means at our disposal and every necessary weapon of war to defeat the global terror network.

Approach 2: We have to take decisive measures to bolster domestic security, and put into place precautions against dangerous predators.

Approach 3: For our own protection, we must address their grievances and expand efforts to reduce the hatred that fuels terrorism.

Can you guess which approach I agree with most? hehe...for some people this is a no brainer.

Well, I've got to run off to bed because I'm getting up early tomorrow to make it to my 7:30 (!) Photoshop class.

more activism inPortland

Adam, Jodi and I took a walk around Portland. Saying Portland is anti-Bush would be a gross understatement. Almost every yard has Kerry/Edwards signs not to mention the occasional anti-Bush slur.

Good old Portland

My wonderful hosts Adam and Jodi. Notice Portland's distinct architecture.

I'm here in Portland and it's been a great time. I've had a chance to touch base with more people than I thought I would. It's been awesome.

The drive up here was also a sweet time and God spoke to me a lot.

I'll write more when I get home after I've slept for half a day. :-) I'm really tired.

Update: I am now going to Portland. My sister wanted to go on a trip to Colorado originally because her and Andre would like to move out to Colorado Springs eventually. However, she eventually deemed it too stressful driving with her kids. So I've decided I'm driving up to Portland to see my old college crew. So that'll be cool because I haven't seen those people for a couple years. But pray for me as I drive up there because even though I'm an immpecible driver (uhem! no comments from my critics) that has driven this route a million times it's still a long drive.

I'm posting a poem I wrote as I left Tokyo airport. I looked back at the sunset, at that disappearing piece of Asia and I knew a time in my life was over. The sunset and the clouds were so amazing as I watched Asia get smaller and smaller. I wanted to hold on but I knew as the sun set so this time in Asia set for the last time.

Even as I typed up this poem today I could feel the pressure of the love and the loss of that time bearing down on my chest. I don't often interpret my poems but I will say that this one in its own abstract way is a good-bye poem, a loving hug to a dear friend that I won't see again-at least not in the same form.

Good-bye Korea
swimming in my metal swim suit
above an ocean of clouds
the sun sets behind me and I fly on

if I jumped out I know I would float
on that soft, cottony terrain

my own surreal planet of gliding gray-white cotton
I'd adventure out to that fading orange horizon
on the borders of my white planet

I'd stay there where gray and orange meet at a perfect perpendicular angel
and I'd sit on the edge of that cloud with my feet dangling over the edge

I'd stay there eating the orange lolly-pops of the sunset
transfixed by my memories stuck in the Asian sunset

I was going to write a bit and post a poem I wrote as my plane ascended into the sky from Tokyo. But alas I started researching digital cameras and now it's gotten too late. I've been wanting to buy a digital camera for a while. I have my camcorder, which I love but I also want a slim camera to stick in my purse so I can pull it out at any opportune moment. On the way back to America there were quite a few times I wished I had that slim camera readily available in my purse. However, now I'm particularly motivated to buy a digital camera because my sister and I are going on a last minute road trip to Colorado. So I definitely don't want to be saying the whole time, "I wish I had that digital camera." There are just so many options out there! I want something that's cheap, has excellent photo quality and is really small. hmmm...

As some of you know I'm going to be studying web-design and interactive media this year. They say when you're going to be building web sites you should get a sense for what you like. Well, I began to look around for site design I liked. For a while I thought I didn't like the design of many sites. But here are some sites that I like (some more than others) and I hope at the end of this year I can design some sites almost as good as these. :-)
http://www.alexthegirl.com
http://feistyscribe.com
http://today.maganda.org/index.html
http://www.miss.maganda.org/design/index.html
http://www.myjanee.com/

There's so much I'd like to say but I'm going to bed.

I'll leave you with these lyrics written by Alanis Morissette. As usual her thoughts really resonate with me.

you see everything
you see every part
you see all my light
and you love my dark

you can listen here

Tomorrow my friend...

It's funny. People have not been commenting on my blog lately but in the past two weeks I think I've gotten 4 emails or calls specifically about things I spoke about on my blog. Ironic. Anyway, I just wanted to let you guys know that you don't have to feel "exposed" if you write a comment. Granted it's not unusual to feel a bit weird about saying something in front of an unknown online audience. Just remember that almost everyone that reads this blog is a close friend and thus you have all have a lot in common. Was that a patronizing thing to say? :-/

Anyway, whatever you do is just peachy with me and you're probably being even more considerate by writing me a nice thoughtful email but sometimes the online audience does miss out. For example, Joanne emailed and said something to the effect that I looked like Ronald McDonald meets Bruce Lee in that pic a couple entries ago. hehehaha I got quite a laugh out of that. But it's even more funny when you know ole' kim-chee breath's sense of humor (Joanne).

But speaking of comments I have a request of those that know me well. I'm filling out this survey and from the words below it asks which four adjectives would your friends choose that best describe you if they had to choose only four. This is an interesting question, of course, because my friends might give a different answer than I would if the question was directed to me. I've written what I think are the top 7 but I haven't entered them yet. Could you make a suggestion? One bummer is that Ro doesn't have internet access right now and Alison's going on a trip. So those are two very close friends that can't vote. Well, anyway whoever you are just give it a shot.

Good listener
Respectful
Affectionate
Caring
Spontaneous
Physically Fit
Warm
Outgoing
Optimistic
Dependable
Romantic
Creative
Loyal
Spiritual
Kind
Ambitious
Articulate
Rational
Easy-Going
Generous
Happy
Quiet
Genuine
Intelligent
Hard Working
Thoughtful
Sweet
Passionate
Energetic
Funny
Perceptive
Modest

I know some words on this list that are definately not me. :-) I'll post them in my next entry. Ho-humm, that's going to be pathetic. That's perhaps a good way to figure out what adjustives do describe me by listing the ones that absolutely don't describe me. hmmm

Here are some words I wish were on the list.
goofy
adventurous
gorgeous hehe
(my new boss says this word all the time with her New York accent. I'm both amused and obsessed by this. note: One of my secret idiosyncrasies is that I have this parrot complex where I softly repeat words to myself that happen to be tasty to me. This is especially the case with second language vocabulary. Ask Sandy...I was the parrot of our office)

ladytime

"Time"
I've always loved this pic. It speaks volumes to me. A young preoccupied girl busily walks one way and as if through a rotating door here comes an elderly woman bent over with years of burdens.

Polar Bear

(me, Mr. bear and Jewl at Seaworld)

Here's something I wrote on my "ministry page" today. I didn't want to write it twice so I copied to this page for those of you that read both pages.

I've been in San Diego for almost a month now. There have been many times that I have talked with God in desperation and frustration about why he brought me back to this city. Even Jesus felt like a person's hometown is often the hardest place to come back to. Even he had to deal with people that still saw him as the child they remembered instead of the prophet he had become. It's tough to deal with people expectations sometimes-ya know?

Even though I've had my share of crying over old wounds and old memories, for the most part I'm standing in amazement over the new steadfastness I now have in him. Where I used to live in fear in my grandmother's house in the ghetto, the area doesn't even seem scary to me anymore.

I see everything with new eyes now. One thing that really helped me see things differently was reading a book called Chasing the Dragon on the airplane over here. It's about a woman who lived in the infamous walled-city in Hong Kong in the 1960's. Her heart for ex-rapists, drug-dealers and gangsters really influenced me. In the past I despised these kinds of people in my neighborhood because I felt they were a constant threat to my family. But now I see it differently, I truly know my life is in God's hand.

God really confirmed to me that he's guiding me a couple days ago. I've been looking for a part time job to make some extra money while I get a certificate in web-design. The hours for my schooling are really weird: 12:30-5:30. So I thought the best chance for employment would be my old job teaching English to rich foreign students in La Jolla.

I got a call from them last Sunday night. They left a message on my answering machine, "If you want to teach a class, come in at 8am Monday morning." So I got up at 6:30am the next morning to go to meet the manager of the school at 8 o'clock. But ever since I had gone to the La Jolla Center to inquire about the job, I had been having a bad feeling about accepting the job. However, I kept brushing it away. I thought, “What's the big deal? It's just a part time job." But when I got up that Monday morning I had a bad feeling about it. So before I got in the shower I got on my knees and prayed that God would help me to listen to him. So I made a deal with God that as I was driving to La Jolla (a 45 minute drive) I would pray about if God wanted me to take this job.

I couldn't believe it but the feeling that "this is wrong" kept persisting. So as I got out of my car I was trying to make deals with God. "How about I'll work today but I won't take anymore classes after this one?" I walked laboriously to the center located in one of San Diego's most prestigious areas. As I walked towards the building I felt God said strongly, "turn back" surprised I replied, "Are you serious?" I couldn't believe that I was struggling with this so much. I was thinking I was so silly and that I was just making this up. However, I couldn't shake off the feeling that this job was not what God wanted for me. So I stood in agony in front of the English center praying. Finally, I turned back and didn't enter the building. On one hand I couldn't believe that I had just driven out to La Jolla for nothing and on the other hand I was relieved and proud of myself.

So I had to go back and face my grandparents. I had to tell them weakly that I didn't feel right about it but I didn't know why. That night I jogged around Chollas Lake and then prayed about my job situation anxiously until they closed the park. There was an urgency in my voice. "God, I need to hear you on this! Whatever you want I'll do it!"

Then it happened. I met Linda for an interview the next day for the Community Economic Development Certificate. The interview was coming to a close when we started talking about the non-profit organization she's the director of. The organization works with inner city youth through mentoring and after-school programs. She started telling me some of the struggles of the program and I made some suggestions from my ESL background. Long story short-we eventually realized we were both Christians and the more we talked about the program the more it became apparent that I would be an ideal candidate for the program director position she was trying to fill.

So after the interview I went to a meeting with her and the former program directors. The more I heard about the program the more I knew it was the job I was looking for. This was a job that I could be challenged in and grow in instead of going back to a predictable job in La Jolla. As I left the meeting I cried in my car and thanked God for his guidance in my life.

I'm excited about the possibilities of working with this organization. This situation has made me realize that I shouldn’t take the burdens God has placed in my heart for granted. There have been many secret ideas and burdens I've had in my heart for my "inner city" area that I'll now have a chance to try out.

So please pray for me as I enter this new phase of my life. The organization is called UPLIFT which stands for “urban people living in faith and trust”. And we’re also looking for someone to work 12 hours a week as a Spanish/English translator and mentor. If you know of anybody in San Diego please contact me otherwise could you pray that we’d find this person. Thanks!

I printed the first 6 poems on my poetry page (not including the poems I posted this August) for my grams to read. I asked her later if the poems "seemed like me". She was looking quietly out the window as she often does when she is lost in some story from her long history. She answered immediately a curt, "no". I was surprised because my grams doesn't usually tell the truth directly and often she doesn't tell the truth at all. She followed, "You don't seem lost to me." Shocked at her unusual show of insight I caught my breath. "Did my poems seem like that to you?" I asked her. We went on to talk about how poems are a release, a way to get negative and positive emotions flushed out.

But this conversation caused me to realize again how my grams doesn't understand how much pain I've actually overcome. She's also a professional passive-aggressive, emotion-ignoring enabler that doesn't know how to see life in full-color. No, it's one-dimensional black and white for her. She's redefined reality for a long time now and perhaps she always has. She's rewritten our family history for years. Ignoring the disease that has left the majority of our family in tatters. "I don't know what happened to Terry (my dad)!" Her convenient memory has forgotten that my kid-sized dad once asked my grams, "Does dad still live here?" because my gramps worked so much.

Her sudden words about being lost have stayed with me. How could she have felt that way when I said nothing about being lost in my poems and she didn't even see my really sad poems? Yes, that statement knocked the air out of me because I know that's what I am. And somehow she saw it through my art. I've seen it too reflecting back at me from the accumulation of my writing. There are themes in all of us and if you write enough you begin to see them woven through out your writing.

There was another person who blurted out a similar strange kind of prophecy. Years ago I was wandering around Union Square in San Francisco looking at the art on display and chatting with the artists. I don't remember everything. I just remember this photographer looking at me and appraising me with an artist's eye, "hmm...You look happy, but there's sadness in your eyes....like a child....a lost child." I just stood there. I can see myself clearly in my mind's eye: my short, chin-length hair, my dark blue hooded sweatshirt, my child-like eyes looking at the piercing, eccentric eyes of my prophet. What is he talking about....and yet I knew.

Originally uploaded by joyceat123.

"Joyce Lee"

I'm supposed to get up to an intermediate level in Photoshop by the time my cert. course starts in September. This is my first ever attempt at doing anything by myself. As you can see this tool is going to be dangerous in my hands. But first I need to get good at it then I'm going to have some fun...

Bruce Lee would be proud...

I have that tired, achey feeling that you have after you've had a good long cry.  My head is aching and my eyes are puffy water balls.  I had a hard talk with my sister today after I made lunch for her and her kids at my grams house. 

As she was packing her kids into her car I mentioned how her reading a novel during the pastor's sermon was discouraging for me.  We ended up getting into a big discussion about ancient misunderstandings between us.  Sitting in her car we both cried.  Jewliet's awakening understanding emotional pain was particularly poignant at this moment.  I remember looking back at her big sad blue eyes, her a face strained with child-like concern.  "What's wrong?" she asked a couple times.  It's no longer only June and I "the thompson twins" that are impacted by the hand we've been dealt.  And I have to admit that worries me.  I don't want them to inherit our legacy.

Later I went back to church for a praise and worship night even though I felt drained by my tears and June's criticism of the church.  I just wanted to be in God's house in the dark surrounded by the praise of believers.  I wanted to coil-up into a ball and sway and cry before him in some dark corner of the sanctuary.  I went and found a lonely pew.  I was relieved to find that the church wasn't packed and there was lots of space.  As soon as the praise started I cried and cried.  I was slightly nervous someone would mistakenly think I was "shaking in the spirit" (a practice I oppose for the most part).  I cried off and on for the next 2 hours of the service.  "God, just meet me here."  "Please, just reach into this situation." were the prayers that my heart mumbled.

Just a Sample of June and I's Conversation
"Facts effect me more than emotional simplistic sermons...  I believe in the Bible, I believe in God."

"But you're angry at him?"

"Yes, because he's never helped me or shown me he cares about me.  I cried out to him so many times but nothing changed.  ....I'm tired of trusting people and being made a fool.  And many of those times were with God.  I trusted him and he made a fool of me."
***later in the conversation***
"What could he do to show you He's real?"

"I want to see him on earth, I want to see a miracle, anything to show me He's worthy of my trust.  I can't deal with speaking to the wind.  People say God spoke to them but they're just making it up.  How can I believe them?  Maybe God worked in the New Testament times or he works in other countries but there's no evidence of God's work here.  Non-Christians have lots of good things happen to them, too." 

I protest, "God is working.  What do you think has happened in my life?  What about other's lives?  How can you say that?" 

"I wish I could believe like you do, like Andre does.  But I can't.  I've been down that road and if I try to believe I feel I'm being someone I'm not."

It was aspects of this conversation that I was crying about through out the night service.  It pains me so much to hear her say that she cried out to God desperately and yet felt she was only "left with air".  What can a person say to that?  That's what she experienced.  That's how she felt.  I know that God passionately loves her but she's heard that a million times.  And she simply doesn't believe it and feels her circumstances have always confirmed that belief.

For most of my life my sister's pain was my pain and in many ways that's still true.  I've had to trust her to God through out these years because it was beyond me.  It hurts me to finally see the abandonment she feels from God.  The God I trusted to take of her made her a fool, wasn't there for her?  I see it differently.  I see God's providence in her life.  But where I see providence she sees abandonment; where I see his love she sees rejection.  That hurts and also baffles me.  Am I only seeing what I want to see? How can such adverse perspectives about the same life co-exist?  
             *****************
Well, more tales of living back in San Diego to come.  Including thoughts on the helicopters that keep on flying over my house.  Maybe they're having a practice drill at 1 in the morning?  Or maybe they're looking for an escaped convict on my street?  hmmm....  I vote for the former simply cuz it makes me feel better.

The “I have no friends (in San Diego)” Anthem
(sung to the melody of “He’s a Cold Hearted Snake” by Paula Abdul)

I have no friends (He’s a cold hearted snake)
In San Diego (Look into his eyes)
Oh-ohhhh

I have no friends (He’s a cold hearted snake)
In San Diego (Look into his eyes)
Oh-ohhhh

Lots of sunshine and palm trees
Looks like a peaceful, fun haven
But it’s more like an empty movie backdrop
(make up your own melody for this part.  I suggest “Jack be nimble, Jack be quick, Jack jump over candle stick”)

I have no friends (He’s a cold hearted snake)
In San Diego (Look into his eyes)
Oh-ohhhh

Yes, here I am in San Diego, CA.  USA.  I just want to say to all my Korea friends that I love you very much and I am alive.  :-)  (And hi to all my friends in the US.  Thanks for your welcoming support)

There's so much to say as you can imagine.  Sorry I've been a major email lame-bo but that is changing as of tomorrow.  I'm emailing everyone back tomorrow as well as pouring out my heart on my blog about how detached I feel from American culture and how I have no friends in San Diego.  

However, there are things to be excited about such as how the Interactive Media Certificate course I'm going to be taking is so perfect!  I'm also going to be participating in a Community Economic Certificate and that also looks perfect.  In that area I'm really amazed so far.  

In contrast, in the church and fellowship department I'm discouraged so far but I really shouldn't be-I've just been here two weeks.  So chin up, Joyce!  Put on your boxing gloves!  Umm...  Go, fight, win....and all that stuff...  Anyway, I need your prayers right now and I'm praying for you guys as you transition also.

Okay, tomorrow I'll be writing more.

I CAN'T believe this!!!!!!!!!! Now I know why I haven't been able to access any blogger site! The Korean government has censored blogspot along with other sites because of the beheading of Kim Sun-il in Iraq. I can't believe it!

"As some of you may already know, a wing of the South Korean government, the Ministry of Information and Culture (MIC), is currently clamping down on a variety of blogging service providers and other websites. The government is attempting to control access to video of the recent Kim Sun-il beheading, ostensibly because the video will have a destabilizing influence."

Ro and I found other Korean bloggers going crazy about it through a search on google. Good thing we finally started to look into things. However, the whole ordeal has been helpful in some senses. It put me in touch with other Korean politically minded bloggers and it's taught me one way to get around blocked sites. ha,ha So next time I'm in a country that censors perhaps I can get around it. So I can finally read your sites and read my own!!!! Finally!!

Want to read more? Check out what these bloggers have to say:
http://marmot.blogs.com/korea/
http://jeffinkorea.blogs.com/
http://aboutjoel.com/
http://oranckay.net/blog/
http://kimcheegi.blogs.com/
http://gopkorea.blogs.com/flyingyangban
http://rathbonepress.tblog.com/
http://blog.woojay.net/

Well, it's time for the unveiling of my plans-for you my eager readers. (You're out there- right? I can't read anything because blogs still can't load anywhere in Pohang or even in of all Korea as far as I know. Can you believe it?)

I've gone through various emotions today then finally came back to "ya know, it's going to be OK" I was reading about globalization and development issues most of the day on opendemocracy.net And this spurred me on to research once again the different graduate programs I'm interested in. Which caused me to eventually start questioning myself again. Should I go into Education? Or should I go into Intercultural Studies, Anthropology, International Policy, Development? No, that's too theoretical, well, maybe that's too narrow... What if I'm not smart enough, not academic enough? What if I get married? What if I don't? What if I get there and I realize that I hate the subject?

Welcome to my mind.

The good news is that I'm not in charge of my life! Thank God! Look at that wishy-washy mess. :-) The one thing that I know for sure is that I'm following Him and that I want to work together with Him on this earth. So with that said it looks like I'm coming back to San Diego to work on certificates in Web-design and Community Economic Development while I apply to go to grad-school in 2005.

The main reason I'm waiting a year instead of going to grad-school this year is because in this last semester I've come to the conviction that I don't want a MA solely in TESL. Therefore, I need time to research the schools I want to apply to and write the essays for the applications. (which takes forever I might add)

Sometimes I see going back to San Diego as a wonderful development in my life because I can help my ageing grams, hang out with my sis and her adorable kids and get certificates in programs I'm highly interested in for almost free. But about half the time I'm terrified at the fact that I'm going back in a time machine to a place that often signifies for me intellectual/spiritual stagnation and emotional drainage. I was telling my friends a couple weeks ago that going back to San Diego is like getting the "go back to start" card in the Monopoly board game.

All that negativity aside I also feel excited to go back because I do love my family and friends there and I really do believe God's going to guide me. Not to mention that no matter what I'm so privileged to have the opportunities I have-especially when I think of my beautiful, hard-working sisters and bros in the developing world.

By the way, I finally bought my ticket back to the US. I'm leaving July 10th!

It's so weird. For the last four days or so neither Ro nor I have been able to view our blog or any other blog. I can post an entry but I can't view my blog even inside the blogger interface. Everytime I try to look at a blog I get the message, "This page can not be displayed." I thought something was wrong with their server so I was just waiting but then I began to realize something was weird. Then Ro talked to her mom yesterday in Japan and her mom can see our blogs-so what does that mean?? We can't view any blog on any computer in Pohang. Does that mean blogs can't be opened in Korea right now or is it just Pohang? I can reach any other website just as normal. So I tried to email them about it but the blogger request form said, "internal error" whatever that means. (Maybe the same prob is not allowing me to email them through their help form.) I'll try to email them again but just in case it doesn't work could you email them? If you're one of my friends in the States and are familiar with blogger could you email them about the problem. You can give them my blog address. So if you left me a comment...sorry, can't see it.

I was reading about the movie Fahrenheit 9-11 and it reminded me of how crazy America is sometimes. It was slowly coming back to me. Later I was reading a discussion about the movie by some Christian movie critics and one of them went on to talk about how he feels like he has to step away from politics sometimes to keep his sanity. This statement brought to mind a compilation of off-hand comments made to me by various people. In an email from my friend in reference to my returning to the U.S., "...welcome back to crazy, crazy America...", another person replies to my comment on one of Sandy's entries about the U.S. Middle Eastern policy, "But the world is getting crazier, Joyce, and it's getting crazier and crazier."

As everyone knows America is at quite an interesting place right now (and so is the world for that matter) and the culture war is getting more intense as the election draws nearer. But that's not the only thing that makes me sometimes feel that I'm coming back to a circus. It's also that sitting on this side of the world America looks more contrived, manufactured, artificial, hypocritical, swollen, self-indulgent, self-interested, self-loving, self-serving, pretentious and superficial than ever before. Just to name a couple adjectives that come to mind.

Yes, I'm beginning to brace myself for the splash of cold water in my face, that strange awakening from a quiet Korean dream...

I was trying to write the vision statement for the ministry page I'm making and I realized I still don't have it. Some people describe me as a person who knows where they're going and knows what they want. But most of time I feel like that's the farthest thing from the truth. Most of the time I'm just holding onto one truth, "He's a light unto my feet" so I'll take one more step and I can't see much further than that.

Testing...
Let's see if I can link this pic...



This picture was taken after one my classes attacked me with heart stickers on the last day of class. This is a class I had a couple semesters ago. I've since coined this class my "happy class" because they loved each other and me so enthusiastically. When I walked into our last class they covered me with heart shaped stickers with sweet messages. This is the class I hung out with the most outside of class because they were always organizing "class reunions".

I'm going to put up some pics of my classes this semester later...

I was adding some links to my blog and suddenly my font size got huge. I have no idea why. I didn't touch the font attributes! hmmmm...annoying. Maybe it will just go away. Do they seem big to you?

It seems like an eternity since I last posted. I'm sitting here in my dimly lit living room while the rain complains outside my window trying to process the fact that the final exodus from Handong Global University has begun. HGU our warm womb, our still pasture, our quiet remote sanctuary. We are being spit back out into the real, wild world. Yes, the time has begun. I'm speaking, of course, of Sandy leaving Handong permanently yesterday. The four Pohang girls are now beginning to officially disband. (Joanne just seemed to be temporarily absent since she visited a couple months after her departure)

I've also just finished grading and feel a little bit misplaced with out a ton of essays stressing me out. It's like I've finished with all the stress (or most of it...I've still got to screen phone calls from grade-obsessed Koreans once they receive their grades) and now I'm looking out at an ocean of uncertainty and ambiguity as far as my next step goes. However, even while I say this I'm excited for what God's going to do because I know that as I follow Him one step at a time He's going to lead me.

There's a lot more I would like to say about all these things but for now I will leave you with my current inspirational thought:
Don't say to God, "Where..., who..., when.., how...?" but "Show me, God, one moment, one day at a time and whatever You say I will do it."

Ok, now I'm finding something. Remember my child prostitution crisis a month ago. (May 3rd if you want to look it up in my archives) Well, now “the answers are coming, Neo.”

Check out these sites about organizations that are doing something about the problem:
Worldvision

Justice for Children International

My Last Class at Handong Global University...
I walked into my slightly muggy office after saying good-bye to all my dear, cute Freshmen, turned on the fluorescent lights and looked out the window at the rainy day that was coming to a close. Then it dawned on me that this was the last time that I was going to go through this routine. I sat down on the dirty little couch in my office and began to read some of the comments the students wrote on a poster they gave me.

"I don't speak English well. But I feel your kindness and faithful."

"Thanks for your passion to us and I hope you achieve your vision. And thanks for your kindness also."

"I miss you. You are my first foreign teacher. I remember your ability and love."

And the sweet messages go on. Reminding me once again what a beautiful, mysterious thing teaching is. Maybe it's kind of like being an older sibling in the sense that you only get glimpses of the impact you have had on your younger bro or sis in special moments. I think it's the same way in teaching. I've been reminded of this as students that I thought were indifferent towards me were on the edge of tears as they said good-bye.

As I gaze at that bright yellow poster covered with imperfect English expressing their love I can't help but think of grace. Despite my selfishness and frailty, I was still actually able to touch another human being's life. Grace. Grace lovingly protected me in Europe. Grace rescued me from myself. Grace brought me to Handong despite my own willfulness and apathy. Grace gave me the job of my dreams. Grace gave me a coveted position for which I was technically unqualified. It was grace that knew what I truly wanted and needed. It was grace that gave me more than I could think to ask for. It was grace that gave me the greatest fellowship of my life. Grace believed in me and made me great despite the truth that both Him and I know. That I'm just a small, weak child in the hands of a powerful Magician. That anything great in me is mostly an illusion and the power really comes from the great gracious Magician that holds me in His arms.

Until my last class I had been in "get the semester over with" mode. But when I walked into that class and realized it was my very last I knew I had to thank God for the love and grace he had shown me through these last two years at Handong. So I prayed the longest prayer I had ever prayed in a class and I thanked God for pouring out His blessings on someone who really hadn't deserved it. I stood in front of that class full of Freshmen and together with them thanked God for His beautiful...

grace to this child.

well, it looks like I've changed my template. It might be a while though before I put links and comments up because i tried but it didn't work. So that means it's going to take some brain power to figure it out and i doubt i'll expend brain power on anything but grading/essay stuff for the next two weeks. But Ro feel free to break in and try to figure it out if you get the inkling.

escape from myself...
i remember looking out my classroom window at what seemed to be a bright picturesque painting. serene, inviting... out that window there seemed to be nothing but rolling green hills, plush pine trees. it seemed to be so close, so all-encompassing. i've been haunted by the same urge that i felt that day when i was looking out that window.

i want to just step into that painting. put my toes on the sunny ledge of that window and just step into that peaceful, green scene. all my self-loathing and self-doubt would evaporate as I was absorbed into that ethereal, pastoral landscape. i long to just disappear into that clear blue sky...

i've been listening to so many lies lately. i'm being beat to the ground by the accuser. who's the accuser? me or satan? probably both. I have no idea.

please help me, God. i want to be free of the walls that close in on me, of the limits that bind me...

I'm high on a yummy overdose of Cinnamon cappuccino, so hyper with ideas it's hard to type and totally wired from an amazing time with my small group. On top of that my emotions have just been extreme lately. I've had the urge to vent anger, frustration in exaggerated, sarcastic ways lately. (mostly in poetry or blogs) Today I was listening to Alanis Morrisette's angry emotional song, "You Oughta Know" and longing for that kind of venue to let out frustration and pure unadulterated emotion. To just be able belt out at the top of your lungs your hurt, your shame, your anger to an awesome beat. Can you feel it? Doesn't it just make you want to go into a forest where no one can hear you and just shout your brains out?

Recent inspiring thought: "I'm most myself when I'm walking in the Spirit because I was made for fellowship with God." a rough quotation of Pastor Young-ho

I've been under such a weight this last week. Mostly feeling pain over how my job has become something to get done instead of a way to love and serve people. I came back from the church B-B-Q and took a nap perhaps trying to avoid facing this load of sadness. But when I got up I knew I finally had to face it...what kept me from really plowing through it earlier this week was the excuse, "It's too much to work through right now. I'll pray about it later." That excuse just causes more problems and it seems to be a frequent excuse of mine. So after my nap I spent a couple hours journaling and praying. I think I worked through it to a pretty satisfactory point. I really wanted to cry though because I know I needed to. But for some reason I wasn't able to hit close enough.

I think I've decided that I hate writing essays for grad-school applications. I suppose it shouldn't be but it's so mind-numbingly boring. Yes, that would be one of the key words I would use to describe my day: tedious, boring and inefficient. I've been sitting here in my living room all day trying to type out my vocational goals in a coherent and professional manner. What's so hard about that!!!! I have no idea. Please give me a call if you know. Because it takes me stinking foreverrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!!!! I suppose I have about two paragraphs more to write for it but this is just my rough draft and it needs a lot of work. *very annoyed sigh* The bummer thing about this is that I could have written this essay a long time ago had I realized during my winter vacation that I would be this serious about Biola. It makes me wonder was I just not listening to God? I remember being close to filling out the Biola application but then I thought, "na, I'm not that serious about that program". It also didn't help that at that time I was in work visa HELL trying to work out the very strange, elusive problems with my work visa. Well, whatever the case I have come to feel very sure that SIT is not the right program for me and as far as I can see Biola is ideal.

It seems I always get inspired to write poetry at the most inopportune moments. I often become pensive and over-flowing with emotion when I'm grading or doing office work. Countless times I've scribbled poems all over the back of some student's old homework or an old department notice as I work. Ironic-isn't it? That I get inspired while I'm doing something I despise and that is totally contrary to my nature. I'll be working away and then unexpectedly I start sinking into some emotion that I haven't had a chance to dig into. Then suddenly there's a direct line to my heart and I can try to squeeze the juice out of that feeling while it's in me or I can go back to correcting grammar. So often I end up grabbing a piece of paper and jotting down what comes out. Case in point. Here's today's spillage from grading boring paragraphs...

E G H
I once knew a man
what a conundrum
a stern, illegible face
unflinching stability
the absence of emotion

but in his eyes you could see the secret
eyes that smolder like coals
giving away an intensity well-hidden
under layers of cold, sheer rock

a fountain of surprises
perched in his tower
surrounded by ever expanding green rice fields

can you see the warm light flooding out of his round window?
he's pouring over his books late into the night, no doubt
grasping for his image of stability, of approval, of success
with his unquenchable, quiet passion

can I climb the never-ending spiraling staircase
up and up to where you are?

there you are in your white tower
studying in the golden light of your womb
immersed in the black ink of the sky
in your solitary tower

putting out the fire that burns in your soul
throwing sand on the unpredictability of who you are

you are E G H

oxymoron, contradiction, paradox

the one I always wanted to reach
but still I stand alone
in the echoing darkness of the rice fields below you
always outside your tall tower
gazing up at the warm light of your window

So many things have happened lately that it's like holding back a flood writing here. Where to begin? It looks like I've totally changed directions as far as where I'm going to grad-school. I feel the Lord has led me away from SIT and I'm applying to go to Biola in the fall at this very minute. (That’s actually what I should be doing right now.) Another big change is that I've decided to change from a MA in TESL to a MA in Intercultural Studies with an emphasis on TESL. The last week and a half has been a whirlwind of anxiety, prayer and relief. Many times this week I've been suspended in uncertainty looking down upon my once stable, certain career plan. But you know, I'm growing to welcome that. May all my dreams come to ashes, that His dreams may be birthed and bloom from that death! The most recent phrase on my lips has been, "Whatever you want, Lord, I'll do it! Just show me!" By the way, that's a great phrase to constantly repeat and adjust your heart to when you're seeking your next step.

It's also looking like I'm going to be going to Central Asia again on another missions trip. This is totally God's idea. I'm wishy-washy about it but I think it's what He wants. So here I go again on another challenging adventure. The two main thoughts driving this latest mission trip are, "Do you only attempt for God what you can do in your own ability or do you attempt things that only God can do?" and "Dream His dreams, live His love".

more to come...

I'm so excited and enthralled right now I'm actually drooling. (ok, not really but I am really excited right now.)

1. I've been finding a lot of "old school" blogs lately. Blogs of people from my college and/or my past. This is an extremely pleasing discovery for me because for quite a while it felt like all of my friends in the US were completely out of touch with the online movement. (blogger, on-line journal...duh!? What's that?) My on-line community consisted of friends I've met in the last two years (who I adore, of course) and just a couple "old school" friends. (Ro and uhhh...Ro) Which was sad for me because one of the things that caused me to be interested in this form of communication was that I was so often living in different countries, thus always separating from friends. It's also so amazing to hear these voices and places from the past come to life once again through the written word. Before the blogs I usually randomly clicked on(links on other friends' blogs) were results of someone else's past, someone else's friendships. But when I click on multnomah blogs like these (Hutch,Tre), I'm reminded of my own past even though I might not know some of these people. There are people that come from a background similar to mine actually on-line! Wow.

2. Speaking of "old school"!!!! I've found David Johannes' on-line journal! David Johannes, David Johannes... Wow, the memories he brings back. The last time I saw him was during the summer of 1997 at Carrie and Ryan Miller's wedding. We were both in the wedding party. Man, we had a blast goofing around and playing the guitar while Carrie's family was frantically preparing for the wedding around us. I still have a pic of Dave and I jumping in the air while kicking our heels together "Irish jig" style. At that time Dave had a passion for China, if I remember rightly he was taking Chinese classes even at that time. He had brought this Belgian non-Christian guy with him to Carrie's house that he had met in his Chinese class. I remember we had interesting talks with that Belgian guy. I also vaguely remember Dave mentioning a girl that also had a passion for China and now I just found out they're married.

But I can go back even further than that. I remember the first time I talked with Dave. Was I his phone counselor at Teen Mania? I can't remember exactly. But I'm sure that I first met him over the phone. I was a 95-96 intern at Teen Mania and he was going to be a 96-97 intern. He was preparing to start the internship in January, so he was probably calling to ask some questions. All I remember from that conversation was that I was supposed to encourage him but he ended up encouraging me more than I encouraged him. And he wasn't even in the internship yet! Then I remember clearly Dave passionately pacing up and down with the phone glued to his ear as he prayed for teenagers raising money to go on summer missions trips with Teen Mania. Yes, Dave and I worked in the good ole' call center at Teen Mania where our job was to basically function as telemarketers for Teen Mania. A job that many interns easily got discouraged by because of its monotonous non-stop calling pace. But I truly remember looking over at Dave's eager, intense face and being challenged not to give up.

Now I've found this voice from the past once again on-line and once again I am challenged and encouraged by his life. Today he's blazing a trail in China with his wife and I'm so excited to once again be connected to his ministry.

I love on-line journaling...

random question: Why do people tend not to comment on serious entries (myself included) like the entries before this one but people easily comment on light, goofy ones (like the entries I usually write)?

"As unimaginable as it seems, slavery and bondage still persist today. Millions of people around the world still suffer in silence in slave-like situations of commercial sexual exploitation from which they cannot free themselves. Trafficking in persons is one of the greatest human rights challenges of our time. It is, as the International Labour Organization (ILO) points out, the "underside of globalization."'

Why?

"Traffickers exploit the aspirations of those living in poverty and those seeking better lives. They use dramatic improvements in transportation and communications to sell men, women, and children into situations of forced labor and sexual slavery with virtually no risk of prosecution."

A perfect example of this "no risk of prosecution" is Mr. Tom Peters of the documenatry "Easy Prey". He is the British man that I refered to in my May 3rd entry that was doing unspeakable things with young boys in Romania and using them as a sex business for Westerners. But when the documenary came out he wasn't arrested but easily traveled to another country and was just put on a "sex offender" list. Read this very informative report from the U.S. State Department. Don't just turn away but be informed about "the underside" of our riches: one of the greatest human rights challenges of our time.

I had a feeling this was going to happen. This last week I had started to doubt if it was God's will for me to go to SIT this fall. I started to question this because I started to get the feeling that I wasn't going to be accepted. I had interviewed with one of the faculty three and a half weeks ago and had still not heard any response concerning my acceptance. I had been told by the faculty member that I would hear from the school within 2 weeks. So for the last couple days I had been really praying and asking God for his direction. Just a couple days ago I read in the "Experiencing God" workbook, "If you've been praying about something and God answers your prayer in a different way then you expected then follow God in that and adjust your life to God." When I read that I thought, "that's about SIT". So from that point on I started thinking in the back of my mind that I wasn't going to be accepted.

Then last night I was praying and thinking about grad school this fall. I read again in "Experiencing God" this great advice, "If you are in a time of decision pray this prayer as you seek his will 'Lord, whatever your will is I will do it. I make this commitment even before you show me your will.'" Last night I realized that even if I am accepted to SIT that maybe I need to give that up. I realized that I need to step back and ask for God's direction about grad school again. I wish I could just know where I am going and what my next step is. I'm tired of giving people ambiguous replies about my next step. However, I realized last night that this part of faith, trusting God in that time of indecision. So last night I entrusted it to God again and said I was even okay just not knowing. Then this morning I walked in to my office and checked my email. There it was. The acceptance email from SIT. So I've been accepted but now I'm not even sure if I'm going.

Last night I thought this might happen....